...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

I am going to assume that school uniforms will be ready and ironed miraculously for the kids to put on when it's my turn to take them to school

I've had years of this shit, no more though the tide is turning...slowly!

DH filled dishwasher tonight, however I did remind him later he'd not actually switched it on! It's a steep learning curve bless him, we're still on babysteps

Assume that all laundry can be boiled, dried on the radiator so it's solid and worn instantly. That children's hair is self styling.

That my ex spouse is entirely psychic and a paid employee

In the evenings I will come home, take my pants off and leave them on the living room floor.

In the mornings I will should where are my pants? When presented with a drawer full of clean pants I will be very surprised that my favourite ones are not in there, simply because I wore them yesterday and then left them on the floor.

I will expect the highest of high praise when I hoover once a month. I will remind DH what a difficult job all the stairs are. I will do this continuously despite it being the only cleaning chore I am required to partake in.

I will look at the hose to the shower attachment and announce it needs cillit bang on it.

I will sit next to DH on the sofa at 9.30/10pm and ask for some obscure food item to be added to the shopping list - the same list that's no where near us and in the kitchen. DH must remember this item for the next update/time he shops which may be a few days away.

I will yell HUSBAND from whatever room I am in the house, then I will proceed to either mumble quietly or yell my request so loud it's inaudible until he comes to me to speak to. Regardless of the fact he's probably busy. I am being lazy.

And my final one. The one that pisses me off to the point I could smother.....For context we have bottled water in our bedroom ..... I will wake DH up at 3am because I've run out of water. The bottles are no further from him than they are me, but I'll wake him up with a pathetic "water....need water" fully expecting him to get out of bed and get me one. WTAF

Every time i need something i will ask him where he’s put it.

where have you put the remote?
Where have you put my keys/glasses/phone?

Then get him to help me look for it before finding it exactly where i left it.

I will not be able to use the washing machine without guidance, despite having a high level technical job and access to the internet. I will however be able to tell my partner what she is doing wrong with the washing.

Ditto the washing up

I will hoover and put a load of washing in and then recount this task in great detail to DW to emphasise what i have done, ignoring the fact that DW does household tasks all day every day but does not feel the need to share.

I will whistle, every waking moment. But not normal, tuneful whistling. That breathy, humming whistling. That has no melody and is just a never fucking ending collection of random notes.

I have never laughed so hard at a thread.

I am always going to sneeze in multiples of 4. Each and every sneeze will be window-rattlingly loud. My dh will hope after sneeze number 4 that the hellish racket is over. Sometimes it will be. Sometimes there will be 8, 12, 16, 20 sneezes even. But they will ALWAYS be in multiples of 4. And they will always be fascinatingly loud. His irritation will increase with each and every sneeze until he forgets that even likes me.

Sometimes I will leave leave snot on the wall. It will set like cement and I will fail to see it. If my dh tries to clean it off, the paint will come with it. Then I may notice the mark. I will wonder what on earth caused it.

I will have a special bowl of weetabix when my wife has gone to bed. I will hide the finished bowl somewhere around the house so it goes all crusty and mouldy and she has to find it in the morning!

Bloody hell if ever there was a thread to make me grateful my ‘DH’ left me, baby and 4yo for a younger woman this is it!

It’s actually great living on your own. I’m sex starved and I have to remember what day the rubbish goes out but in every other respect life is better....

I’m going to stop pulling my DW handbrake up so far so it doesn’t take her 10 minutes to release in the morning because she doesn’t have stupid strength like me and has arms as strong as twigs.

I do still live with the kids, I hasten to add!

I am going to work at home but be unable even to put a wash on or do the dishwasher, because I am doing Important Work. So my wife, who also works at home, will have to do it. But she is a woman and can multi-task.

Oh and also, my mother.

I will pretend not to know what a remote control is and get someone else to change the tv channel.

I will pretend not to know about the internet and get her to “go on the computer” and order my shopping, insure my car, “searching up” old john who i heard died.

I will say I don’t like driving and get someone else to run me into town every day because i can’t work internet banking or bus timetables.

I will suggest an impromptu trip to the beach, put on a pair of shorts and then wait by the front. I will complain that I've been waiting ages to go while my partner gets the towels, togs, spare clothes, nappies, baby wipes, water bottles, snacks all packed up and the kids dressed in suitable beach clothes.

I will arrange nice nights out safe in the knowledge someone else will organise a babysitter and get the kids ready for the night. Also that person will be the one who repays the babysitting favour anther time (never me).

I will never need to refill the ice cube tray again. I can use the last ice, leave it on the counter next to the sink, and it will miraculously be refilled and placed in the freezer.

This thread began as funny, but now I'm just fucking depressed.

Why are so many men so fucking selfish/lazy/lame?

All of the above

And I will leave the room immediately before any meal is served and disappear.

Even though I have been informed 5 minutes previously it is about to be ready.

Every. Single. Time.

I will always forget where my youngest's spare underpants are. I assume all toilet's are self cleaning just like the oven (which isn't). I will assume my FIL will just fix anything and privately feel emasculated even though I did not even try (not even for a second).

@biffsboys the bathroom fairies last came just before new year, they're currently enjoying the break and aren't sure about coming back.

I'm sure at some point they will miraculously appear out of nowhere possibly when I realise DH really cannot see dirt in the bathroom

Decide that if 'I don't know where it goes' I am no longer responsible for putting it away and can just leave it where it is or put it on the bench/floor for someone else to put away.

I will helpfully suggest "I might have thrown it away" whenever we are looking for an important document or anything in a hurry!

Blimey, this is actually depressing.

Why do you put up with this shit.

I will attend any supermarket shop, with a face like a melted welly. Then at the checkout, I will stand looking confused and useless while DP packs the bags, arms blurring with speed and efficiency. I will then tuck the multipack of bog rolls under my arm and sigh with relief that its over for another week.