...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

I will spend all day doing some man job that would usually take 1/2hour in the house, then expect all household members to examine closely, listen to an explanation of how difficult the man job was, then demand praise for the high level of skill as well as remind household members how much a tradesman would have charged for such a task.

I will spend much of my days off on the toilet with my iPad and randomly plan a load of tasks for myself and my hobbies without bothering to see if anyone else would like to do anything and get really grumpy when my tasks are not accomplished even though o never told anyone what the plan was.

As with previous poster will also work late/leave early/go for dinner and just announce it whilst never really getting what a luxury it is to have a partner who enables me to live at the office so I can “make my name”

Will suddenly lose my ability to see dirt/poo in the bathroom/toilet and feel I should be gratuitously thanked for “cleaning” the bathroom because I have sprayed flash on the sink and bath (but not wiped it at all)

Will complain that my pants haven’t taken precedence in the wash so now have no clean ones.

I shall grandly offer my spouse a lie in providing they fully wake up to wake me up to deal with the kids. I’ll then mention my generosity at every available opportunity whilst conveniently forgetting it wasn’t a lie in if they were awake and unable to go back to sleep, and that it happens once in a blue moon because I hoover them all up.

I’m also not going to take the car to the garage, so that I can complain about how much it cost, that x y and z didn’t even need doing, and that they saw me coming.

I will assume the kitchen sink is self-cleaning, safe in the knowledge that any food detritus collected in the plug hole at the end of the day will have miraculously disappeared by morning.

When I open any post I will leave the discarded envelope or packaging on the coffee table for the fairies to dispose of.

I will spend 45 minutes in the bathroom each morning and then get grumpy when DW spends longer than 10 minutes having a shower, getting dressed and eating breakfast all together.

I will shave over the bathroom basin but I won't rinse it. It's so much more fun when the sink dries and all the little foamy hairs stick to it like weetabix to the side of a bowl!

I will lie on the sofa, legs akimbo, scratching my fanny.

I will pretend that I don’t know where anything goes, so that I don’t have to put it away.
I will refuse to wipe surfaces or put anything back in its place.
I will pretend that I can’t see mess, so that I don’t have to tidy it.
I will expect everyone to be quiet when it’s my lie in, and then pretend I have no control over the kids when it’s her lie in, I can’t stop them running in and waking you up by jumping on her.
I will go for a shower where chaos has descended and then get out once the kids are tucked up in bed.
I will spend hours fannying about in the garage/driving about on pointless errands/in the garden.

*saw them coming.

I will fill every single surface in our house with stuff. Then I will complain to DW that there is 'stuff all over the table' and that we should all make an effort to be tidy. When DW clears any of the surfaces in any of the rooms in our house I will immediately put something new down in the middle of it, even if this item is say, a sweet wrapper or a used tissue or a screwed up receipt that probably should be thrown away...

Fuck me, I’ve just chuckled out loud at this thread as I removed his cutlery and crockery from the manky washing up bowl and put them in the empty dishwasher as he relaxes in front of the Stuart Copeland documentary about drumming. We ARE all married to the same bloke!

I'm going to half screw the lids back on of any bottles or jars to save me having to unscrew them fully when I use them again

I’ve just asked DH if he can actually do this one so I’ve got half a chance of getting the damned things open.

And I might ask for the list of things “that need to be done” at the weekend...

And maybe I’ll leave the kids weetabix remnants in the bowls tomorrow morning so that it is impossible to scrape without soaking.

If i wash 2 coffee cups, I will announce I've washed his dishes. Then look at him expectantly, as if I'd split the fucking atom.

I will ensure that when my husband is working from home to catch up and needs just an hour of peace, that I immediately bugger off into another room to tinker about on my computer leaving the children to pester him until he gives up and has to stop working. I will also look affronted when then asked what I’m doing.

I will no longer know where anything is, what time anything takes place or on what day. I have people for that.

I will develop allergies that mean I cannot vacuum the sitting room because of the dust. But I can randomly vacuum to very dusty attic because I have music equipment up there that I want to play with. It’s not that kind of allergy.

I will get myself a lovely clean fluffy towel from the airing cupboard and stuff my damp one in the laundry basket to fester and make everything in there smell mouldy before washing it, and only it, and no one else's towels.

Whenever anyone needs anything done, neighbours, family or randoms, I'll say, "Oh DP'll do that."

I will expect praise and thanks for doing anything for the kids like they're some randomers kids.

Divorce my own arse because no one should put up with this shit

I am going to take 6 sausages and 5 pork chops out of the freezer for dinner tonight for just the two of us then complain we spend too much on food.

I'm also going to faff about all morning on my ipad then complain bitterly that I've not washed nor had breakfast when it's time to go out whilst you've miraculously got yourself ready, got the baby up, fed, dressed, napped, and a packed his snacks, milk, fed the cat, and a put a wash on, a cleaned up the cat shit in the hall.

I'm going to stop arranging family meals, birthday cards, presents and cease all conversation, texts or phone calls with said family because you'll do it all yes?

I'm going to fart and burp with gay abandon, as loud as I can, without any self awareness what so ever, I'm going to be so comfortable doing it I won't even be aware I am doing it anymore. I'll look like a dog surprised by his own bottom if you bring these bodily expulsions to my attention.

I will insist on every single dish needing to “soak” before someone else eventually washes them up.

@ Justmuddlingalong

Just spat my tea out 😂

*RomaineCalm

No, no, no. To do packing properly, you must leave a pile of clothes and your toiletries on the bed, then wander off to make a CD of songs relevant to your upcoming trip for the 30 minute drive to the airport. When your wife appears concerned that there is a lot to do and not many hours in which to do it, you will tell her to "relax, you're going on holiday".