...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

My full time desk job in health & carpentry hobby mean I know more than DP who worked in construction management when it comes to building an extension. I"m going to announce a meeting then ignore any prior research and develop everything from first principles, thus inventing insulation, building regs, floor joists, etc. The construction industry will thank me.

If I stay up late, I'll just come to bed without turning the lights off or shutting the cat in the room where she sleeps (if I don't she'll wonder round the house yowling at 5am).

I'll not put the bins out 50% of the time even though this is one of the few jobs that's 'mine'.

Junk mail on the mat is invisible, but I can see my own post.

Delicate items are fine to go in on a normal wash aren't they?

I will never again suggest or book a holiday or day out.

I'll leave my tax bill to the very last moment most years and sometimes borrow the money off my mother as I never save a third of my income for the tax, as my DP suggests and indeed believes t I did.

I will eat the children's packed lunch food and act surprised when told that individually wrapped things are obviously for eating outside of the home.

Like many others I'll leave the hoover out in the middle of the floor any time I use it.

I'll ask where everything is. All the time. Even when it's in it's place and I haven't yet looked there.

I'll frequently decide to have a bath at 10.30pm and wake the children. Even though I've been told it wakes them, and seem them blearily come out of their bedrooms to ask what the noise is, I deny it.

I will cut myself massive slices of bread and slather them thickly in butter, always take second helpings after being given a good-sized meal, and drink alcohol 5 nights out of 7 and then tell my partner I 'only eat vegetables really' and can't work out why I'm 3 stone overweight.

I will ask my wife where she wants to eat yet turn my nose up at every suggestion until she says the place that I want to go.

I’ll moan about being unhappy with my life, refuse to contribute anywhere near a fair share of the work needed to run our home / family and then act shocked when my wife asks me for a divorce.

I shall continue in the same vein throughout divorce proceedings and allow my wife to do all child sorting, paperwork, house selling, organising etc. (Despite still living off her income as I am too bone idle to get a job). Thus reminding her regularly that she is doing this none too soon.

I have decided to adopt a much more 'Dad' approach to packing for our family summer holiday. This will involve:

At the time of booking- agree that we do not need to pay for extra luggage, we just need to be more organised when we pack
3-4 months before- decide one evening to get all the suitcases we own out of the attic to measure and weigh them. This includes older tatty ones we only use to store winter clothes. In the process I must also bring down an assortment of other random crap.
1-2 months before- prompted by my partner, I will try on my holiday clothes from the previous year. I will decide that most of this is unsuitable and that I need to buy new clothes. I will reject the idea of ordering online as I want to be able to try the clothes on and am convinced that I will get the same for less in a shop.
1 week before- I will go shopping for new clothes. I will be infuriated that shops have all but sold out of summer clothes at the end of August and struggle to find anything I want. I will spend at least one full day driving around nearby towns expecting to find fully stocked shops somewhere. I will buy an assortment of clothes without any thought about what I will wear each item with. I will refuse to try anything on. I will then try the clothes on at home and decide that 90% of them don't fit or are worse that those I already own. I will hide them at the bottom of my wardrobe for 'someone*' to return next time they are shopping.
2-3 days before- I will moan about how much time my partner is spending getting 'her stuff*' ready and packed- packing more than 24 hours in advance will just result in creased clothes.
24 hours before- I will turn the house upside down looking for something irrelevant that has not been seen for years. I will then leave several huge piles of clothes next to the suitcases. These will clearly take up almost half of the space available for 4 of us. I will then take the DC out so that my partner can have a 'rest*'
a few hours before leaving- I will open all the suitcases to check that some random item has been packed and just shove everything back in. I will be confused to see that my toiletries (than no one else will use) are still in the bathroom and push them in to the top of the cases.
On holiday- I will declare that the state of the clothes in the suitcases is due to packing too early (and definitely not my last minute unpacking and cramming half open tubs of hair products in next to my favourite shirt). I will spend most of the first day shopping as I realise I have not brought any clothes that actually make an acceptable outfit.

• for those who do not speak fluent Dad, here's a translation: Someone= anyone other than me. usually my partner Her stuff= anything not exclusively mine. in the case of toiletries however this clearly should include shaving foam/hair gel etc that only I use A rest= doing necessary housework when I am not present

I will complain constantly that I am putting on weight and say I'm going to go to the gym and then get really affronted at the weekend when my dp suggests I go for a walk or to check out said gym, or cooks a healthy version of a meal I like.

Love this @TheLastNigel!! My DP to a T!

I will let the DC have any toys/ unnecessary items they want on our visits to the supermarket. Mummy never lets them - Mummy is so mean! On arriving at the checkout, I will express incredulity that the bill is much higher than usual, and blame it on my DW's frivolous purchases such as bread, loo roll and potatoes.

I'm going to get home and sit down for an undetermined amount of time before I shower, and then i'll make remarks if dinner isn't served 5 minutes after the completion of my shower routine.

DIL will get home from the office an hour later, she's always the last one home so we have to wait to be fed, her time management leaves much to be desired!
She'll ask me when I was planning to shower and i'll snap at her for rushing me - I really enjoy yelling at her, if I do it right she cries real tears!

These modern girls have no idea!
All she has to do is guess when i'm going to have a shower, and guess if its a quick shower or a proper shave & shower, and then have dinner ready at the appropriate time!
She doesn't even cook for me properly! I mean, I begrudgingly eat it in between grumpy sound effects and complaints.
I don't know how many times I've told her "I don't like trying new things and don't like eating the same thing all the time"

(I'm very fortunate that my DH does not take after his father and we no longer live there!)

I will show no interest in things that my DW is buying for the house, such as door mats. I will look at the choices she is showing me, and declare that I don't mind, she can chose whatever she wants.

Then when said doormat arrives, I will look at it, and then say "Oh. I didn't think it was going to look like that", making it perfectly clear that I don't really like it at all.

Seriously ladies just do what they do. Fart, burp forget things be completely useless when you feel like it. Scratch your lady parts be rude to his mate who won't leave. I refuse to learn where anything is in the kitchen. I sit in my pants all day. I play Xbox and eat junk food. I don't let anyone have an opinion on me when the other person barely manages to survive let alone be pleasant around. The men that even do do all that stuff always act grumpy and like they are waiting for a woman to look after them. Like its pretty easy to keep on top of housework if its just you and you tidy up after yourself. It takes me like an hr a day to do the whole house on my own. With a partner its like three and soo much more shopping and just random bits that I would do automatically without thinking about it

I love all the packing relating ones. In our house it would be:

Ensure MY packing is a sacred and respected event. DP must pack for DP and DC. Then they must vacate the room. Preferably the house.

At the point, far too near to the flight, thus begins my sacred packing ritual.

Do not attempt to interrupt this ritual. Do not attempt to add even one sock to my meticulously packed case.

DP’s case may overflow with all the many things she must pack. My own case must be just the right amount of full, lest my clothes suffer even one wrinkle.

This sacred ritual will take many, many hours.

I may, if necessary for my optimal packing conditions, request that DP unpack their entire case, so that I may reassess whether I might allow one small item of DC’s into my case, to achieve a perfect volume of items into my case.

a malevolent Yankee Candle named ‘Feet’

LOL!

We have it's companion in this house - "CurryFartz"