AIBU to terminate a 3rd pregnancy for financial reasons?

[3rdChild]

We have 2DC and feel our family is complete but I have just found out that I’m pregnant (6 weeks) despite taking precautions.

Really conflicted about whether to go for termination or not. It’s still early days so I would just have to take the tablets for a ‘medical termination’. Would you have the unplanned 3rd child if it would cripple you financially?

Background info to avoid drip feed...I recently started a new job so wouldn’t qualify for any decent maternity pay. We couldn’t afford to survive on DH salary alone and even if I went back to work pretty soon after birth, childcare in London for the youngest 2 DC would be more than my take home pay. We have no family nearby who could support with childcare. WWYD?

Totally not unreasonable. At all.

And I hope you can do it, and avoid all the attempts by other people to induce guilt in you. You do not want to be pregnant - you were using contraception. No contraceptive technique (except complete abstinence) is 100% successful.

Only you can answer the question ,AIBU to terminate a pregnancy for your reasons...if I ask myself the question,it will always always be no to terminate.because to me it's a baby from the start..but it's your life,so you have to make the difficult decision .x

If you think you will regret it ,don't do it .where there's a will there's a way x..could you get a nanny / au pair for the 3 of them ..might be cheaper than nursery fees.

At 6/7 weeks, yes, absolutely I would. I miscarried a much wanted pregnancy at 8 weeks many years ago and it was heartbreaking - but it wasn’t a baby.

I would terminate and ask DH if he would consider a vasectomy.

that's hard.
What does your DH want to do?

I don’t think I could even though I probably should IYSWIM. X

YADNBU. It’s your body, your life, your bank balance and your stress levels, so you get to choose.

Having said that, if it were me, I’d borrow money to get over the financial hump and have the baby. But that would be my choice, not “the right thing” to do.

If I let finances be the decider I wouldn't be a parent at all I guess that is true of many parents!

OP In view of your previous history, I think I would be inclined to let nature take its course. Que sera sera and all that.

There is a difference between #1 child and #3.

@Jellymaker How can you put a price on a human life?

Try that line on the private IVF clinic and see how far it gets you!

I would

YWNBU to terminate for any reason at all, as long as it’s your choice.
this

This decision is personal for YOU what other people would do is irrelevant as their decision would be based on their situation and feelings.

I was in your position 10 months ago. Also had two children aged just one and two! We were both so shocked, upset and angry at ourselves. After many tears, debate and several appointments to terminate we realised we couldn't do it and welcomed our third child last month. We don't regret our decision.

You must do what is right for you.

You are in a new job. You have child care for 2 in place.
You took precautions. You both agreed DH would have the snip.
But yet....DH wasn't so absolutely certain his family was complete that he booked an operation.
You are not so sure your family is complete that you are now wondering about one more child. You are in two minds.
If you and your DH talked about his getting a 2nd job, at weekends or evenings....
Re-training, promotions, job hunting, re-location, looking on-line for benefits assistance, child benefit......

You have to prioritise the welfare of your current children. I really don't know what I would do in your shoes, but if a friend of mine in your situation decided to terminate I would fully support her decision.

I think you will manage. Worst case scenario is to leave London and downsize in someway.

I don't want to scaremonger but I've known a few people who have lost children further down the line, illness or accidents. A relative has two children one with a life threatening inherited condition, it was absolutely not on the cards to have a third especially with the risks involved of that child also having the condition. In the event, there was an accidental third who luckily escaped the condition, and they are stretched but adore the third. But it seemed like a foolhardy impossible situation at the time, on paper it did not make sense.

You will manage financially because mums/parents do, in all sorts of situations, single parents, parents with unexpected multiples, sickness in child that prevents work, people living in smaller houses, less pleasant locations, locations where work is less plentiful.

Early pregnancy is pretty depressing at the best of times, you feel ill, dispirited, often people mirror your own mood back to you, and don't present an opposing view or an alternative view because they don't want to offend you. But sometimes it is supportive to challenge assumptions of what is the "right" "sensible" decision. I have three btw. I wish I had four. But that is only years later. I know plenty of friends who had 3 but stopped there because it seemed selfish to have four, nowadays everyone is pretty geared up to thinking children are a luxury no one can afford

While this pregnancy might be a mind fuck, thinking that won't get you through the stress of who can have shoes this week and where are the nursery fees coming from. Don't feel that because this has happened when previously it's been hard to conceive means you have to struggle with an unplanned baby.

Which decision would be easier to live with?

I think you're being sensible to consider not having it.

But if you do have the baby, you'll be able to make it work, somehow.

What form of contraception were
/are you on so you can look at alternatives?

Remember that people have children being able to afford them, but sometimes things go wrong financially and they're left struggling to take care of the children they could afford.

You never know what hour financial position could be in the future.

You are not being unreasonable at all OP and must absolutely do what's right for you. We decided to go for child number 3 and although it's been financially challenging you do find a way. If I had stopped at 2 children I may have been able to afford nicer things, and not have to work as much as I do - but then I'd be so much poorer in many other ways that you can't put a price on. Good luck with whatever you decide OP x x

DC3 was unplanned and come to think of it DC2 was too - both after an initial miscarriage and then a very planned DC1. Financially it was difficult and we're only just coming out of that now, with DC3 now 18.

It's for you and DH to decide together, and for you and DH to book him in for the vasectomy if this scenario to be avoided again, if you both feel your family is complete and if you personally don't want any more children and neither does your DH.

Neverunderfed
If you are unusually pragmatic then I am too. Had a termination when DS was 10 months. I knew I couldn't cope with another. I have barely thought about it again, I feel completely comfortable with the decision. In OPs position I would terminate as I think existing DC should come first. Financial security is such an important thing and something that many people would love to have. YWDNBU to terminate for any reason as long as that is what you want to do.

A very difficult decision. My advice is discuss this thoroughly with your DH and no one else. People will judge even though it has no impact on them whatsoever. Good luck and be easy on yourself whatever you decide.

Not trying to say don't do it, just hoping to help you think it all through. You say you can't afford two in childcare but how long would that be for? When will number 2 hit 30 hours and then into school? if DC2 is already 2 he'll be on 30 hours not long after the birth. If carried to term this one would also be young for their year so a year less in nursery overall than worse case scenario. I would do full mat leave if your salary doesn't cover the cost of nursery. We have stuck some stuff on interest free cards which mature once our kids are through nursery, if you will never be able to afford to repay that would be irresponsible, but we see it as medium term cash flow. Good luck with whatever you choose.

I've had a termination of an accidental 3rd pregnancy, I took the surgical route under sedation, after much deliberation, as I think the medical route would have been more traumatic for me. I was just over 7wks. I wouldn't say it has never affected me or that I've not felt regret. And I felt total relief at the time. It's a huge decision and something I believe stays with most women.