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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to terminate a 3rd pregnancy for financial reasons?

180 replies

3rdChild · 11/01/2019 14:42

We have 2DC and feel our family is complete but I have just found out that I’m pregnant (6 weeks) despite taking precautions.

Really conflicted about whether to go for termination or not. It’s still early days so I would just have to take the tablets for a ‘medical termination’. Would you have the unplanned 3rd child if it would cripple you financially?

Background info to avoid drip feed...I recently started a new job so wouldn’t qualify for any decent maternity pay. We couldn’t afford to survive on DH salary alone and even if I went back to work pretty soon after birth, childcare in London for the youngest 2 DC would be more than my take home pay. We have no family nearby who could support with childcare. WWYD?

OP posts:

user139328237 · 11/01/2019 15:14

@Aquamarine
Hopefully no respected practice would allow any woman to book their partner/husband in for a vasectomy as it is not your body that is being operated on and therefore not your choice. Forcing a man to have a vasectomy is just as gross as forcing a woman to have an abortion.

kaytee87 · 11/01/2019 15:15

I would get the tablets as soon as humanly possible and then I'd be booking a vasectomy for my husband.

Exactly this. Your current family come first imo. Can you go private?

kaytee87 · 11/01/2019 15:16

the most literal interpretation of a post goes to .. @user139328237

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 11/01/2019 15:19

It's a perfectly valid reason so YANBU.

Dartilla · 11/01/2019 15:19

I've been TTC for a very long time so personally I can't imagine wanting to terminate.

Luckily I can see between my situation and yours and so absolutely no one can judge you for your choices, and I fully support
the 'any reason' brigade RE termination. It doesn't make you less of a great mum or less of a good person, it sounds responsible and sensible.

What a tough situation, best of wishes

AlaskanOilBaron · 11/01/2019 15:20

the most literal interpretation of a post goes to .. @user139328237

Yep.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 11/01/2019 15:21

Your reasoning is as valid as any other.

I'd do the same.

Stopwoofing · 11/01/2019 15:21

so the only way you could feasibly carry the baby is if you either got into a lot of debt, or completely changed all of your lives to afford to live with the 3rd DC, I can completely see both sides of this, whatever you decide is what's right for you and wouldn't judge you either way.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/01/2019 15:22

I don't think you'd know what you'd do unless you were in that situation.
I mean its very easy for me to sit here and say "I'd never have a termination, but as the staying goes " Never say Never.
I feel very sorry for you. Despite the fact that you've taken precautions and done everything in your power to prevent a pregnancy. Here you are in this situation faced with the toughest decision a women could make.Its so bloody unfair. Aside from using birth control what else are you supposed to do, give up sex.
I.do however find it concerning that you make out that it would be an easy decision and no brainer for an unwed 16 year old. I highly doubt regardless of age or marital status a termination is a no brainer for anyone.

Megan2018 · 11/01/2019 15:22

Impossible to say what I would do - I am not you.

But I think that your reasons for termination are completely sound and I would think entirely right - your financial situation with 3 sounds incredibly difficult.
However only you and your partner know what is right for you and your family. You shouldn't do what you think you should do either if it is not what you want.

Hope you can work it out - if you can afford the private costs I'd do that.

bengalcat · 11/01/2019 15:22

I would yes . I’d feel bad but at this moment in time it’s for the greater good for you and you family . Sorry you’re contraception failed .

Neverunderfed · 11/01/2019 15:24

Do you want another child? In your situation I would terminate with no concerns.

I fell pregnant with an unexpected#3 a couple of years back, total surprise as I had a coil fitted. It was a total shock as #2 was nearly 6 so we had been out of the baby years for yonks. However our financials were different, I was at home with the others, low outgoings, reasonable DH salary so while it took a bit of getting our heads around he's here and a delight. If our situation had been different, or the age gap had been smaller I would have terminated without a second thought tbh.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 11/01/2019 15:25

I wouldn't hesitate to terminate for that or any reason that lead me to not want another child.

AlaskanOilBaron · 11/01/2019 15:27

I feel very sorry for you. Despite the fact that you've taken precautions and done everything in your power to prevent a pregnancy. Here you are in this situation faced with the toughest decision a women could make.Its so bloody unfair. Aside from using birth control what else are you supposed to do, give up sex.

For some women, it's really not a tough decision. I've had an abortion, it was easy.

It doesn't have to be dramatic.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 11/01/2019 15:28

'This isn't the right time' isn't 'I don't want this'. That would give me pause, in your shoes.

But as far as the rest of it goes, you don't need anyone's moral absolution (much less that of a bunch of online strangers) to terminate if you don't want to be pregnant any more. I have three (and also a load of miscarriages) and if I were to find myself pregnant I would probably terminate. A fourth would stretch us too far - financially perhaps less than it would you (but we live in a country with much more sensible childcare costs), but in terms of time, space, disruption. It wouldn't be a conflict-free decision by any means. But I wouldn't be letting anyone else - who, after all, wouldn't be dealing with any consequences of my not terminating - assume that their principles should direct my decisions and impact my life.

SushiMonster · 11/01/2019 15:29

Yes 100%

Financial security is worth a hell of a lot more to me than a bung of cells that isn't remotely possible of staying alive on their own at this point.

Neverunderfed · 11/01/2019 15:29

I had a termination in my twenties (just past the pill stage so required an anaesthetic) and didn't find it a difficult choice at all. I didn't want a baby, didn't want to be a mother. My feelings about that termination haven't changed since having children and I feel no regret or sentiment about it. I may be unusually pragmatic though. 🤷

mama1980 · 11/01/2019 15:29

I am sorry you are in this position and I hope you come to the best decision for you and your family.
Other people's opinions don't really matter here, I didn't have a termination even when my life was at risk so personally for me I wouldn't in the circumstances you describe, but I would in no way judge if an abortion is what's best for you right now.
It is a deeply personal decision and I wish you all the best.

AcornLane · 11/01/2019 15:31

Not great timing and circumstances but maybe you will find a way it can work. Sometimes the little ones who were unexpected can be the ones to change the family for the better and bring immense joy. My friend’s mum had her unexpectedly after two much older children. She was devastated but my friend is now the one who cares for her in her old age.

Hope everything works out for you and your family

VeganCow · 11/01/2019 15:32

I also see it as a baby and wouldnt terminate but understand that for many, they would.

Loopytiles · 11/01/2019 15:32

Read somewhere that a significant % of terminations are for women who already have DC. Presumably for reasons like yours OP.

Apileofballyhoo · 11/01/2019 15:33

Is there any chance that your financial situation could change for the better? Promotions at work or anything like that in the next couple of years? If family can't offer any childcare support, are they in any position to help financially?

It's very difficult, OP. I don't know what I'd do myself.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/01/2019 15:36

You didn't choose to be pregnant and you have the right to choose again not to be pregnant.

And if you decide not to continue with this pregnancy, well it's only reasonable that you might feel sad and guilty and wish things were otherwise. Even if you are sure you have made the best choice.

Good luck OP.

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/01/2019 15:36

This is a very personal decision. I wouldnt myself, but I would not be critical of someone who did. Make the decision YOU need to make

AlaskanOilBaron · 11/01/2019 15:36

Read somewhere that a significant % of terminations are for women who already have DC. Presumably for reasons like yours OP.

I've had a couple of abortions, all since becoming a mother. I don't think I would have ever had one before I became a mother, because I simply did not grasp how much of my resources they'd demand.

I had my BC on absolute lockdown before I was married, so it was never an issue anyway.

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