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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to terminate a 3rd pregnancy for financial reasons?

180 replies

3rdChild · 11/01/2019 14:42

We have 2DC and feel our family is complete but I have just found out that I’m pregnant (6 weeks) despite taking precautions.

Really conflicted about whether to go for termination or not. It’s still early days so I would just have to take the tablets for a ‘medical termination’. Would you have the unplanned 3rd child if it would cripple you financially?

Background info to avoid drip feed...I recently started a new job so wouldn’t qualify for any decent maternity pay. We couldn’t afford to survive on DH salary alone and even if I went back to work pretty soon after birth, childcare in London for the youngest 2 DC would be more than my take home pay. We have no family nearby who could support with childcare. WWYD?

OP posts:
FridgeFullOfChocolate · 11/01/2019 15:37

I say it's your choice, but why the hell has your husband not had the snip if you really can't afford more?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 11/01/2019 15:37

Regardless of what you decide re the pregnancy, if you both feel your family is complete after the 2 or 3, I think you should discuss with your partner his having a vasectomy.

SparkleTea · 11/01/2019 15:41

YANBU, in the circumstances you have described.

I myself wouldn't be able to go through it. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Purpleartichoke · 11/01/2019 15:42

I’d think about how important financial stability is for my existing children and very likely terminate. Also think about what it would mean for the family life we have right now that I absolutely adore.

I would also sort out some permanent birth control going forward.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 11/01/2019 15:42

I have 4 DC's and past miscarriages, and if we fell accidentally pregnant at this stage I would terminate, although with a heavy heart. To us, our existing children come first, before a potential future baby.
It can absolutely be the right decision for some people in some circumstances. If you Google you can find Caitlin Moran's article about her termination of a third pregnancy.
If you call Marie Stopes they will give you free and very unbiased telephone counselling, as often as you need until you reach a decision. I called them when we had a planned pregnancy with severe complications and they were fantastic (fwiw, we decided to go ahead, but then lost it, they never pushed at all for termination).

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Rodenhide · 11/01/2019 15:43

I think it would be a good idea to have a termination, for your DC if nothing else. Too many people have children without proper financial stability. Be kind to yourselfFlowers

Mistlewoeandwhine · 11/01/2019 15:45

I did exactly that. We couldn’t have coped with DC3. It wasn’t nice but my husband and I were not really coping with DC2 who still wasn’t sleeping at all at night and DC1 had just been diagnosed with a medical condition. Also we didn’t have the space or money. It was the right thing to do for the whole family. I do have days when I think ‘what if?’ but really it would have finished us all off.

MitziK · 11/01/2019 15:45

What do you WANT?

Do you want this baby? Keep it and you will manage.

Do you want this to end? Have a termination.

All the logic in the world means nothing if you regret it the moment you take the first pill.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 11/01/2019 15:46

Have an abortion. don't give it a second thought.

Amicompletelyinsane · 11/01/2019 15:46

I was in your shoes. 2 kids, everything was going well etc. Then I was pregnant. I couldn't bring myself to abort, it's a tough choice either way. We didn't believe we could afford another etc. We were just moving house and had no money. No family to help. But he's here and yes we don't have a fancy lifestyle and we financially just survived but now he's about to start school and things are turning round and our lives are back to more stable, with my 3 kids. Sometimes things do turn out ok. But no one can say what is right for you guys. I know it's the hardest decision to make

RhubarbTea · 11/01/2019 15:46

If you're really conflicted there's a chance you may regret it, and the fact you're posting on here means it isn't a cut and dried choice for you. I can understand the headfuck as well given your past attempts to conceive.
I personally couldn't do it and would have the child, but I don't judge anyone for making a different choice. Essentially it's a difficult situation whatever option you go for. I wish you luck and strength.

Yabbers · 11/01/2019 15:47

Hmm, tough one, as I am that child! But will caveat that it was 45 years ago and things were very different then. My parents had absolutely no spare cash but mum was a SAHM and one of those make do and mend type people.

On balance, I don’t think I could do it. Childcare costs are relatively short term and I think I would just find a way to muddle through. But I have only one and wish I had more so that might be influencing me.

I would take a look at if there were ANY way it could work first because I would probably regret it down the road, wondering “could we have done it”. You have to do what is best for you but I do get the feeling it might trouble you later.

Original poster
3rdChild · 11/01/2019 15:48

He is keen to have a vasectomy, it was on his to-do list, but he hasn't got round to it yet. He is mortified about what has happened and he feels responsible for putting us in an awkward position. Obvs he’s not the only responsible party here as it’s taken both of us.

OP posts:
Starfish28 · 11/01/2019 15:50

In your shoes I would have a termination. The welfare of existing children would be my main consideration.

Fundays12 · 11/01/2019 15:52

I am pregnant with my third it was unplanned but we had no concerns about having the baby as financially we are stable, live in a nice bought house and have no childcare as I only work when dh is home. Under the circumstances you describe I am not sure we would have gone ahead with the pregnancy to be honest. Nobody can tell you what’s right but you need to decide what you an live with. My heart goes out to you what a hard decision to make.

BrendasUmbrella · 11/01/2019 15:54

Would you have the unplanned 3rd child if it would cripple you financially?

No, I wouldn't.

blinkerss · 11/01/2019 15:55

No I wouldn't but honestly only from my experience.

I wanted to terminate my 2nd dc for pretty much the exact reasons you have just said plus I wasn't happy with her dad. Booked the appointment and the worst day of my life. I couldn't do it.

I got through it and all the other problems. She's 7 now.

I don't mean to sway you either way. That's just my story.

pineapplebryanbrown · 11/01/2019 15:55

If i was confident my marriage would whether the storm i would continue with the pregnancy. But if i felt truly awful about all the implications of raising a 3rd child I'd terminate. Really totally up to you.

blinkerss · 11/01/2019 15:56

At the end of the day if you do choose to have the baby, you will manage. You have no choice in the matter. It will all work out.

jellymaker · 11/01/2019 15:57

How can you put a price on a human life? Of all the reasons to have an abortion, this surely can't be one?

vdbfamily · 11/01/2019 15:58

You have asked so I will add to those saying I would not. There would be a way of making it work if you chose to. Kids do not need to cost much until they are teenagers. Maybe you could both work condensed hours with a day off each or more part time to save childcare costs. Clothes can be Preloved. Holidays can be in a caravan or tent or staying with friends and family. You need to decide what you want but I personally think the health of the mother should be at risk as per current law. If you are prone to losing babies as I was too, you could proceed and see what happens. If it's a sticker, it will make the decision for you. You do sound unsure and conflicted.

HoustonBess · 11/01/2019 15:58

Well, YANBU whatever you decide to do, it's your body.

It depends whether you actually want another baby, really. To go through the whole caboodle, plus the changes you would have to make to cope financially - sounds like this would involve moving away from London, new jobs etc.

If I was in your position I think I'd terminate unless I really wanted to have the baby so strongly that I thought it was worth it.

DragonMamma · 11/01/2019 15:59

Yanbu and I would do exactly the same in your position. We could just about afford a 3DC but it would leave us in an extremely financially precarious position and that’s not fair to either of our existing 2 DC.

Those who are saying you can ‘make it work’ are deluded. It’s simple maths in most cases. Nursery costs X and income is X. It’s not rocket science to see if the figures stack up or not. You can ‘make it work’ sometimes if you have family support to keep costs down but many can’t.

All the best OP, what a shitty situation to be in.

Merename · 11/01/2019 16:00

Sorry for your conflict and difficult decision. I’d never terminate for those reasons, or any in fact. For me life begins at conception, and in a week it will have a heartbeat and be able to move with intention. I know that’s not a popular view but you did ask WWYD. I’d be thinking about what practical changes we could make to make it financially viable to support the baby now that it’s here.

HoustonBess · 11/01/2019 16:00

@jellymaker how can you put a price on a human life? You simply tot up what it will cost you to support an extra child on top of your current family, and see if you have enough money. It's not like OP's choosing shoes over a baby or something, it's about whether a new baby will cause upheaval due to reduced earnings/increased outgoings.