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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman in cafe, is this a new form of space invading?

211 replies

Bahhhhhumbug · 10/01/2019 11:57

I know this has been done to death, the usual thing of people standing too close in queues, sitting next to you in an empty carriage etc etc. but this was a new one on me yesterday and l can't fathom why it bothered me so much, but here goes.
Went for a coffee whilst shopping yesterday and as it was late some of the popular window tables were free so l went and sat at one watching out the window as you do.
A man came and sat at the next window table to me and was then joined by a woman both middle aged, fiftyish. She took off her coat and turned to me and rather bruskly asked me if the seat behind her at my table (directly opposite me) was taken. I said no and to help yourself, resist g temptation to mimic her brusk tone. With that she put her coat with big fur collar around the back of the chair, turned round and started sorting out her coffee etc, leaving me sat at my table opposite her coat and partly blocking my view outh window.
Wtf? Just to clarify these tables have four seats around them so l had three empty she had two but they are small tables and only realistically seat three comfortably.

OP posts:
MrsWillGardner · 10/01/2019 13:23

@MsLexic

That pesky scrambled egg. Always falling in pockets. Darn the stuff!

elQuintoConyo · 10/01/2019 13:24

Perhaps she was a bored MNer and wanted to see if she could get a thread started about her...

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 10/01/2019 13:28

I sat down for hotel breakfast the other day, left my laptop on the table and suitcase next to the table (in a bit of a hurry) and went to the breakfast buffet. When I came back, an older couple who had come in after me had sat down there Shock I brazened it out, sat down on one of the remaining chairs and ate my breakfast while they gave me funny looks. Still don't know what they were thinking.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/01/2019 13:28

I once left a Creme Egg in the pocket of my favourite suede jacket and sat on it all evening in the pub. Putting my hand into a pocket full of unexpected warm goo may have scarred me for life. And wasn't great for my jacket either. Shock

GabsAlot · 10/01/2019 13:29

were the chairs all the same was the one on your table bigger or something

look at it this way it would prob stop people sitting there

SaturdayNext · 10/01/2019 13:36

Why didn't you say something? You could have said something like "Sorry, I thought you were asking because you needed the chair for someone. If you only want to put your coat on it, would you mind using the chair next to you, as your coat is blocking my view?"

MsLexic · 10/01/2019 13:37

TinklyLittleLaugh
Love that name!

GOTBackThisYear · 10/01/2019 13:38

I think it's bloody weird!

Maybe she doesn't like cluttering up her table space so figured she'd clutter up hours instead.
I'd definitely feel perplexed and I guess annoyed too. It's the equivalent of people moving dirty plates onto the end of your table instead of theirs. Or that prat in KFC who didn't want his tray on his almost empty table so popped it onto ours. (I too slid it back)

In your position I would have asked the lady if she wouldn't mind moving her coat onto her own table as I wouldn't want to be responsible for watching someone else's property which is pretty much what you were doing. She put it in your space and turned away from it.

Jellyonawonkyplate · 10/01/2019 13:39

Sounds like there was more space at your table and it was a big coat.

She doesn't sound the most considerate person you could meet but you sound ..'angsty', commenting on her tone etc, looking to get cross over nothing

Strugglingtodomybest · 10/01/2019 13:39

Was the chair she put it on in a position where the coat couldn't be knocked off by a passer by? Maybe she didn't want it to end up on the floor.

Was the chair she put it on the closest chair to her and as you said that you weren't using it, she used it?

Are you bothered because of her brusque manner?

I don't really see the problem, let alone it being cfuckery. That's not to you OP, there's nothing wrong with asking why people do things but there's no need to be judgy about it. Imo.

JingsMahBucket · 10/01/2019 13:40

@YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine well done! Especially because you were 18 or 19 and a lot of young women don't have the confidence to do something like that in front of men at that age. What was their reaction?

And OP, YANBU. That woman was weird. She could have used the other free chairs at her own table to rest her coat. That would feel like invasion of space to me and I would have asked her to move it after I realized it blocked my view.

adreamofspring · 10/01/2019 13:44

I was at the theatre last week and the person behind me kept trying to hang their puffa jacket on my seat and flopping it onto my head so I gently brushed it off thinking it was an accident. This went on for about 15 mins and on the third try I gave him my best ‘mum look’ and then everything was ok for the rest of the play.

Birdsgottafly · 10/01/2019 13:46

Was it a case of the chair she used being out of the way, so no-one would be walking past etc?

That makes sense.

greendale17 · 10/01/2019 13:47

I can see the issue - it's weird behaviour rather like the coffee shop equivalent of manspreading but performed by a woman. Why did she not put her coat on a chair set at her own table? Why did she not put her coat on the back of her own chair? Why was she brusque with the OP?

^This. I agree with you OP

roundtable · 10/01/2019 13:47

Maybe she had put her coat on a chair next to her on another occasion and scrambled egg had fallen in her pocket?

Birdsgottafly · 10/01/2019 13:50

X post with another poster.

To me it sounds like she used a chair that wouldn't be used because it was tucked out of the way. You can't judge when a big group would come in and need the other seats.

'Social Worker' is one job, there's no such thing as 'some sort'.

WrenNatsworthy · 10/01/2019 13:51

I'd be more worried about the fact that a confidential conversation was talking place in a public space.

I have decided (apropos of knowing nothing about anything) that this is what was going on.

Social worker in job with no resources requires quiet space to do something with service user. Arranges to meet at cafe because it is quiet. Meets clients at this time because it's usually not busy.

Walks in sees person on table next to empty table. Feels inwardly frustrated, Perhaps has hangover. Thinks of ways to create some modicum of privacy, so uses coat in passive aggressive manner to create ineffective barrier, and speaks in loud voice hoping random stranger will eventually leave because random stranger works out what is going on.

Or maybe she's just a narcissist. Or maybe just hates January and wishes she was on an island instead. One without Brexit and tax returns.

I may be procrastinating :D

tillytrotter1 · 10/01/2019 13:52

When I went to the butchers, be about 14,when it was my turn I put my hand into my pocket for the money and found two eyeballs, a grinning boy across the counter. Calmly, I removed them, put them on the counter and said 'Lost your balls have you?', he went so red and the butcher clouted him, back in the day when you could!

sproutlove · 10/01/2019 13:53

I wouldn't expect anything else from a woman over 50.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 10/01/2019 13:53

It was a weird, space encroaching thing to do.

But, what was even weirder was the fact you didn't go through her pockets and try it on. After all, anyone seeing you would just assume it was your coat as it was at your table.

Also, I would not leave any of my belongings at another person's table, there would be no way i could get to it if it looked like someone was trying to steal it or rifle through it, be it coat, bag or pushchair.

I wonder if someone had tried to take it if she would have held you responsible for it, demanding you replaced it. And after you left would she take it back as it was unsupervised? Or maybe she was expecting more people later and was bagsying another table ready for after you left.

Either way, i wouldn't be letting it happen again.

Scaredofthegym · 10/01/2019 14:03

What she should've said is "would you mind if I put my coat on this chair if no-one else is joining YOU? Its rather bulky/my patient here has an aversion to large furry coats/whatever reason she felt necessary" - i suspect then the op wouldn't have been too bothered. But what she did was lead the op to believe she was asking to save the chair for someone else by being ambiguous. Then plonked her coat on it. Cheeky and very strange behaviour. It's sort of like when an acquaintance of mine texts saying "do you have anything on next tuesday ?" And then when you say no thinking perhaps they re inviting your child for a playdate or something replying "would you mind looking after my DC for the afternoon then ?" They know if I reply "well I'm busy in the morning" I've basically told them I'm home in the afternoon, Instead of just outright asking "can I look after my kid?" Or whatever, they try to cordon off your answer beforehand. I'm wise to it now and just say "sorry I'm busy" right away !

bigKiteFlying · 10/01/2019 14:05

leaving me sat at my table opposite her coat and partly blocking my view outh window.

Did you not just move the chair so you could see out again?

Fresta · 10/01/2019 14:07

A woman put her coat on an unused chair! What is the world coming to?

Fresta · 10/01/2019 14:11

Scaredof the gym- does it matter what the woman wanted to do with the chair? The OP wasn't using it or intending to use it either. Should she have said, "No you can't use it for your coat, only for someone to sit on! I want to be surrounded by empty chairs, coats upset me if they are too close to me- like at the other side of my table."

floribunda18 · 10/01/2019 14:25

It's probably a good thing, as her "reserving" another seat means that someone else is less likely to join you on your spacious table.