Am I scarring my child for life

[BettyBoo246]

My 5 year old ds has recently started getting out of bed at night. It all began when he saw a scary Panto which we have now overcome but it now ranges from not wanting to be on his own to being scared of the dark. He’ll get up around 10-20 times a night. And it’s never a peaceful affair, he starts crying and screaming, which makes me start crying and screaming sad I am making things 10 tens worse and I don’t know what else to do, I say some horrible things that probably just make him feel even more scared and unsafe, things like he’lol have to go and leave at grandmas or daddy can’t leave here anymore as he keeps waking him (dh has to go work at 4am) I really have tried being nice, talking about his worries and reassuring him but after a few nights it all reverts back to this horrible screaming at each other. I hate that he sees me like that and last night I was crying again pleading with him to stay in bed, he told me to stop crying for god sake and he wanted his real mummy back sad I am heartbroken and desperate for help. I do have an 8 week old dd so I do believe this and starting year 1 at school is all contributing to his anxieties/insecurities, I just feel out of my depth. I have posted this in sleep section too as I just don’t know where to turn to for help

I am guessing that with an 8 week old you are exhausted. Your anger may be linked to post natal hormones, exhaustion, do you have any history of PND? So I am going to be as gentle as possible, but you already know you are being very unfair and unkind to a frightened small child who is undergoing greet upheaval.

You need to make your child feel more secure. To be honest in your situation I would go to bed early with the baby and your 5yo all in the same bed. Your DP can sleep in the 5yo's single. You'll all get morw sleep, your older child will feel safe and comforted, and in a few weeks you can address moving him back to his bed in a slow and gentle manner.

He is 5! You need to show him love and care for him not scream and cry. Put him in bed with you and cuddle him.

You sound exhausted op! What does your dh think of the situation? Could he sleep in sons room and you share with ds in your bed for a little while?

Not every one will agree with these ideas but does he have lights on in the room? My daughter went through a phase of sleeping with the light on,
Also music on at a low level.
I also gave her a book and after she got up I would say “I know you’re not tired/nervous etc but now it’s bed time so if you can’t skeep you can read/look at your book but you stay in your bed,” 9/10 she’d just fall asleep on the book.

It sounds like you’ve a lot going on with him starting school and an 8 week old baby , I know how it feels - you’re exhausted, your child is anxious and you feel like you’ve done all you can to reassure them. Please please try not to get into a screaming match I know it’s so hard right now but it won’t last forever.

Your dh needs to do something regardless of getting up at 4am. You sound utterly exhausted.

You sound exhausted but yes, the way you are speaking to him and the things you are saying are probably having a negative effect on him and could be making him worse.

Your DH needs to help, I second the suggestion that you all sleep in one bed for a while with DH in another room. Once your five year old starts feeling more secure you might find things will improve.

if he's 5, can you sit him down and explain mummy is very tired, and what would help - suggest night lights, calming music that he can put on when he wakes up to help him relax, explain at length how safe he is in his room, make his teddy bears have magical guardian powers (works for my 4 year old, the teddy bears watch over her). I do think you need to calm him down first with a few good nights sleeping together so he's more reasonable, and then put the strategies in place that he's bought into, with a sleep all by yourself sticker or reward in the morning.

i'm sure it's not being helped by the new sibling feelings of displacement and starting school is a huge upheaval. Always try and stabilise them first so they're not tired, then try and fix the sleeping. You must be on your knees, can anyone have the baby for small stretches so you can get a bit more rest?

Saw Tanya Byron I think do a serious session with a similar frightened child talked about the fear and addressed it “ it’s not possible for the witch to get in the front door is locked” etc. My parents did similar with me at this age my father had a fencing sword and it was explained that no baddie could get me because dad had a sword. I was sufficiently reassured not to bother my parents in the night any more. Maybe try that? Kids can be quite literal.

Sympathy though sounds a nightmare x

It's not safe for a baby to co-sleep with an older sibling, but perhaps you could put a mattress on the floor for him? Or better may be, his dad sleeps in his room with him so they can both get a good night sleep and not be waken up by the little sister (that is if you are doing all of the night feeding).
I think when they are highly anxious like that it can then become a habit to wake up so he might need a few easy/quiet night to reset. Perhaps his dad could have a nice snack ready and a story (or something he likes to watch) for the 1st few nights. It seems counter intuitive but you need positive emotions to get the anxiety to go away.

I am exhausted, but I just feel like I’ve completely failed him as a mum! My dh does try but he’s out the house for 14hrs of the day, he will put ds to bed for me but then I feel like I should be the one to get up to him through the night because of dh’s early starts! I would love it if dh could have a normal 9-5 job as feel this would help a lot but it’s just not possible in his line of work.
I’m scared if I let him in to our bed I’ll never get him out again? He does have quite a few night lights on and landing light on with his door ajar, a lot of the time he says it’s noises waking him, he can literally hear a pin drop, I coughed in bed one night and he cane running in, he must not be asleep at all! I did think about playing music as he has mentioned this but what sort of music, for how long and is it played all night?
I have thought that maybe I am suffering with pnd but don’t want to admit it to myself I guess

You sound knackered op. My 6 yr old started this. I’ve ended up putting a lamp on and leaving it switched on overnight in her bedroom. I’ve had countless conversations with her about the fact werewolves, witches, ghosts don’t exist etc etc. The last one she was afraid of was the bloody elf on the shelf. The light seems to have calmed her down and we’ve had a few none disturbed nights now.

No, you need to find another way. This isn’t doing anyone any good.
Can you or DH sleep in with him, or as others said, music, nightlights etc?
My youngest needs audio books to sleep.
You sound really strung out, and that’s a hard place to be, but this will be making it worse. You need to be really strong here. Easier said than done I know
It won’t always be like this.

i've got a tablet and we stick on amazon music - there are lullabies, there are also youtube kid relaxation videos to try, classical music for sleep. My DD loves moana though, she has moana on loop, all night, every night. When I was little i used to fall asleep to storyteller tapes. She's pretty noise sensitive too.

It's hard to tell what's PND and what's sheer bloody exhaustion isn't it? I know my 2 won't accept daddy when they want me, especially if it is sibling jealousy related. Talking to the HV couldn't hurt if you have a nice one.

In the kindest possible way, you need to stop with the crying and screaming.

Put a mattress on ds' floor and get your dh to sleep with him for a few weeks. Yes he has an early start but you have a young baby.

Or alternatively, put a mattress on your floor and tell him he can sleep there.

@Cmdrlvanova has hit the nail on the head for now. All 3 of you go to bed and DH in your sons room for now. Get some sleep all of you and no screaming and crying in the middle of the night. Certainly sounds like PND as well so see your GP.

My 5 year old is going through similar. Since he was born I've suffered from horrific insomnia so DH has now taken over. He sleeps in with DS and has done for months now. He also has a 4-5am start and a bloody hard physical job.

Your dh needs to buck his ideas up and help more.

Just let him sleep in your room. It’s a phase and you all need sleep. Once he realises he can go to your room and be as welcome as the baby, the issue will probably fade away.

I know you’re tired, lord knows I have been there and I really truly sympathise, but you have to stop treating him this way because not only will you make him feel unloved and unwanted but you will make him resent his sister, who is presumably allowed to sleep in your room with you. It’s really isolating for a little one, seeing all their family sleep together in one room when they are out on their own.

DD1 was 4 when DD2 was born and we had to do a lot of work reassuring her about why the baby was in with us and she had her own room. We let her fall asleep in our bed and carried her through to hers, DH went to her in the night if she needed him. We showed her pictures of her in her cot in our room when she was a baby so she knew she had done the same.

I would start by letting him sleep on a blow up bed in your room for now. He needs to know he is safe and wanted, not pushed out. That or DH moves in with him for a bit. All with a view to getting back into sleeping in his own room alone eventually, but with the immediate aim of making him feel secure again.

My DD slept in my bed when DS was born - I had had a few hospitalisations, she was anxious about me disappearing and leaving her (DS was in a co sleeper crib and DD was on the other side of me to him). She stayed there for a while, until she felt secure, but she sleeps perfectly happily in her own bed again. If you let your DS in your bed you will all get a lot more sleep than you are now and you can get him back in his bed later - he will not still bed in your bed in secondary school - what you are doing now to try to get him into his bed is a total failure, so try something else, get some sleep, cuddle your boy.

You’re exhausted. Go for quick fixes that solve your problems now and deal with them long term in the future when you’ve had some sleep!

Get DH to sleep in your son’s bed/spare room and have your son and baby in with you. You could buy a camp bed or air bed and have him in that if not in bed with you. I understand you’re worried about what the long term consequences of that are but you need to do something to fix this so that you can get some sleep today. He won’t be in your bed when he’s 18, I promise you that. You’ll be much more able to negotiate moving him when you’re not on your knees.

A friend of mine had a similar problem & she bought one of those dream tents which seemed to help a lot, I'll try & find a link....

www.smythstoys.com/uk/en-gb/toys/pre-school-and-electronic-learning/dream-tents/deluxe-dream-tent-wonderland/p/164957?gclid=CjwKCAiA99vhBRBnEiwAwpk-uDI3wlV2PrYDB-E2r_qUT4MwLhEQhn60dx7K5-FELRriHxsFnil24BoCQnUQAvD_BwE

Thank you all. I know I’m making things ten times worse for him and just feeding his insecurities I don’t know why I seem to have such a short fuse with my temper. In the cold light of day I realise everything I did the night before was wrong and I am racked with guilt. I try and spend as much time as I can talking calmly to him about the night before but he says now he’s fed up of talking about it. Last night/this morning was the worse it’s been I even had to get dh to leave work so he could do the school run as I could not stop crying and was exhausted but I feel like this all means I’m not coping and I hate that feeling!
I’ve always been of the generation ‘never let them in your bed’ which is probably the only option left