Am I scarring my child for life

[BettyBoo246]

My 5 year old ds has recently started getting out of bed at night. It all began when he saw a scary Panto which we have now overcome but it now ranges from not wanting to be on his own to being scared of the dark. He’ll get up around 10-20 times a night. And it’s never a peaceful affair, he starts crying and screaming, which makes me start crying and screaming sad I am making things 10 tens worse and I don’t know what else to do, I say some horrible things that probably just make him feel even more scared and unsafe, things like he’lol have to go and leave at grandmas or daddy can’t leave here anymore as he keeps waking him (dh has to go work at 4am) I really have tried being nice, talking about his worries and reassuring him but after a few nights it all reverts back to this horrible screaming at each other. I hate that he sees me like that and last night I was crying again pleading with him to stay in bed, he told me to stop crying for god sake and he wanted his real mummy back sad I am heartbroken and desperate for help. I do have an 8 week old dd so I do believe this and starting year 1 at school is all contributing to his anxieties/insecurities, I just feel out of my depth. I have posted this in sleep section too as I just don’t know where to turn to for help

I think you know that the way you’re talking to him is hurtful, but it really does sound like you are exhausted. Lots of good suggestions above about sleeping in the same room, night lights etc. In the meantime try to remember that if he’s insecure and anxious, you can only make it worse by crying. Hope it all calms down for you soon

Darling, if he starts sleeping in your bed, he'll never leave. Your husband might, though. Sorry to be blunt, but I have friends who have learnt the hard way in this situation!

Another one confirming this is utter nonsense. All three of my kids slept in our bed at various times, none do so now, and DH and I are very firmly together still.

We’re going through this with our 2 year old at the moment. He suddenly became really scared of being alone at night and would run out of his room in a panic every hour. He wasn’t trying to manipulate, he was scared. We also have a 4 month old and I think he was feeling unsettled because of that.

I admit one night I tried returning him to his room every time he woke and it ended in us both sobbing. I just couldn’t stand the thought of him being scared and me leaving him alone.

So we decided to go in the opposite direction, for the last 3 nights he has started the night in our bed and he has slept through! The baby waking has had little effect on him. It’s meant we have our evenings back and DS is no longer exhausted. We’ll give it a few weeks and then attempt him going back in his room.

Please speak to a HV or GP about how you’re feeling. You aren’t failing, you just need a little support. Motherhood is tough and sleep deprivation is brutal.

Darling, if he starts sleeping in your bed, he’ll never leave. Your husband might, though

What a load of bollocks. Frankly, any man who wanted to leave me because I was comforting their child would be helped to pack. Children have two parents and a real man would be supporting his wife to be the Mother she wants to be, not getting in a fucking huff because he’s not getting any

Cmdrlvanova that’s a lovely idea. Seriously scrap the music idea. Get that wee boy in your bed. Even if he starts in his own bed, tell him if he’s scared to come through to you and climb in with you. Let him snuggle in and feel safe. My wee boy done this until he was 6, he became so stealth we just used to wake up and find him there!
He’s 5, it won’t last long, they’re little for such a short time, he’ll be a gangly teenager before you know it. You honestly will end up much happier in the long run x

I totally get that me dh and dd are all in one room and is on his own, I have tried to tell him this is only temporary and soon dd will be in her own room but I think it’s more the fear of the dark and him being on his own that he doesn’t like. I was going to tell him dd is in her room now but I know he’ll just get up check lol

I really could do with all of you pp’s support and advice through the night

Darling, if he starts sleeping in your bed, he'll never leave. Your husband might, though. Sorry to be blunt, but I have friends who have learnt the hard way in this situation!

Complete and utter nonsense. If your DH is that jealous of your children that he’d rather leave than help you all get a good nights sleep, then good riddance.

This thread is so upsetting
Why isn’t he allowed a cuddle with his Mummy when he’s scared and sad??
Seriously just let him get in your bed for a bit! I really don’t get the angst

We bought a bigger bed.
I had a rule that if children woke me or stopped me sleeping they had to go back to their own bed.
He will not be joining you in bed when he is 18! My friend who had a "family bed" and whose husband slept in the attic, still had all her children in their own beds by 9 or 10. (And is still married, about 30 years duration).

Eventually you disturb them.
With a tiny baby you are exhausted, and night time is always the hardest time to cope.

Get sleep, have naps with the baby. Make a resolution to not turn bedtimes/night time into a battle ground.
Yes your DH needs to do his share (or buy in help!). My DH had a high pressured job, worked long hours, but still contributed to night duty - especially when we had a tiny baby.

Cmdrlvanova
What a great idea. Think that's really lovely.

what does your dh do/say about all this? I'm sorry but just because he works and gets up early does not mean you can survive on no sleep and have to attend to 2 children in the night. it's obviously affecting your mental health. he needs to step up.

OP I don't want to make you feel worse but he is terrified and probably already scared deep down that you prefer the baby. What is he going to think about being told he has to go and love elsewhere? That will have a terrible impact IF you don't address it (which you clearly want to do, so no meanness of judgement here). But keep stressing how much you love him and that you would NEVER ever want to be without him.

Fear of the dark is horrible and reward charts don't help with real terror. What use is the promise of a toy in a week if you are going to be eaten by a monster NOW? I say this as an adult who was terrified of the dark as a child. The upside though, the imagination which tortured me as a 5 year old has helped my professional life. Much as this probably doesn't help now, your DS may be displaying a gift as well as a curse.

Is he scared of monsters/ghosts etc?

One thing you could try is giving him some sort of protection amulet or charm. I was afraid of vampires as a child and my mum gave me an enchanted crucifix that she put above my door so that they couldn't get me in my room. I vividly remember that when I started to get scared about the vampires I would remind myself that I was protected and it calmed me enough that I could sleep.

oh i didnt realise you had the baby in your room.
I honestly think let him in your room. I think this is just part of parenting. Responding to their fears and their needs. Yes it can get annoying and tiring, and you get a lot less privacy than you might wish for, but I can assure you it wont be forever. My eldest is 17. He co slept for years. He grew out of it. My middle child (11) quite often comes in and i find him on my floor with his duvet in the morning.
I think that it wont actually be long now that he wont need me at all and i might even miss it.
I think we can spend a lot of time stressing about them getting into a habit they wont break, but in my experience, it doesnt work like that.

Scoop him and put back into bed. The end. Don't try to reason with a child in the middle of the night. Rules are rules.

It sounds as though you are totally exhausted, it is hard enough with being woken just by a baby, but at intermittent times by an older child as well means you are probably totally sleep deprived. But the screaming at him and making him feel insecure by saying the things you are will only make him more worried, and maybe there is a separate issue of him feeling displaced by the baby? If it were me I would try to reset the bedtime thing, could you reorganise his bedroom and maybe repaint it a different colour so it looks totally different? And get some nice low lights - my son has a mushroom shaped one which is a low light but is fun too with a remote control to change the colour. Then maybe make a fun thing of asking him if you could go to his 'for a sleepover', watch a funny movie or something while the baby sleeps? Lots of opportunity for hugs and some giggles to make him feel more secure. The next night you could spend most of the night but not all, the next night a tiny bit less, etc. It would be disruptive to you and your routine of course, but it sounds totally unworkable at the moment anyway.

Oh just saw that you have the baby in your room - you could let your son co-sleep for a while then, he probably feels terribly hurt that your baby is allowed in there with you but he isn't.

It sounds like it is psychological but maybe worth talking to him to rule out anything physical. My friend had a really difficult time with DS and up to the age of 5 he got up through the night and woke at 4am. Finally discovered he had severe reflux and since he has been given medication, he's fine. I've known others really suffer with growing pains. It's probably not any of these things but just consider if there are any other symptoms that may have been overlooked given the huge change in the household. Good luck. And sod the state of the house and get your head down whenever your baby sleeps in day

His main worry is about someone coming in in the night or me and daddy not being there! Which strangely enough my greatest fear is that of being burgled since I was young but I’ve never once told ds of this. He’s always had his bro clock which always worked a treat but like everyone has said his fears are obviously too overpowering dh does try he has said he would get up to him but I feel guilty if I let him, he can home this morning just to take him school for me and in the night when I am shouting he does tell me I need to calm down, it’s when he leaves for work it gets worse unfortunately

Scoop him and put back into bed. The end. Don't try to reason with a child in the middle of the night. Rules are rules.
Wonderful, problem solved...the perfect way to deal with a frightened little boy.

Gro not bro clock

This sounds so similar to my Dd when she started preschool in Sept. Things spiralled and we were up for 2hrs every night for over a month and couldn't sort. This is what finally got us there. Bedtime tokens. Have a family meeting to talk about how important sleep is and agree nighttime rules. Dd suggested hers and drew them, we stuck them together to make a book that lives by her bed. Her rules are, stay in your bed, no shouting, wait until the sun comes up on your clock. Then you make tokens. Loads of them. Every time you visit them in the night or they forget their rules, it costs them a token. If they have tokens still left in the morning, they get a reward. We filled a bag with penny sweets for a lucky dip. The first night, have more tokens than you need, so that you're not setting them up to fail. We used 22. Then gradually reduce them. We got down to 6 quite quickly then got stuck for a bit, had to have a word with ourselves about doing it properly etc, then got down to 3 which she still has now but never really uses. It is slow. It took 2 months for Dd to start sleeping through again. Somewhere along the way she stopped asking for the sweetie reward. This approach gives them control and worked for us. We had tried everything from letting her come into our room (she still wouldn't settle) to quietly taking her back to bed (it would start quiet but she didn't like it so the situation would escalate). We had tried a bed tent, which she loves but didn't help. I really really recommend this method. It's written up in science direct actually and statistically proven to work but hard to find much mention on the wider internet. It's called bedtime tokens sometimes online. Good luck!

Darling, if he starts sleeping in your bed, he'll never leave. Your husband might, though. Sorry to be blunt, but I have friends who have learnt the hard way in this situation!

Don't listen to this ancient view. Reassuring a scared child is top priority and a decent husband would do his bit to be doing the reassuring as well.

OP he feels left out - he is scared and he knows everyone else is in one room. Your responses are making him feel even more scared and unsafe and not part of the family. Its not a logical response but an understandable one.

Just let him in he will work through it and be back before you know it. Maybe both could go to their own rooms at the same time

And I do wonder what generation had never in your bed its certainly not mine (80s child)

Tbh if my husband wanted to leave over this I'd consider myself well shot!

I'm in my 50s & remember sleeping in with my parents.

It could be more to do with wanting to be in with you because the baby is, but I'd say let him in & get a good night's sleep.

One thing you could try is giving him some sort of protection amulet or charm. I was afraid of vampires as a child and my mum gave me an enchanted crucifix that she put above my door so that they couldn't get me in my room
This is a good idea but please don't say it is to 'stop them getting to you' because then you are affirming that you believe they exist. Instead you could say that it is to 'scare away the bad dreams'. I used to use an empty spray bottle which I decorated and I used to spray it around my son's bed and told him it was to stop nightmares. We even used to take it on holiday, and he totally believed it so he stopped getting them.