Am I scarring my child for life

[BettyBoo246]

My 5 year old ds has recently started getting out of bed at night. It all began when he saw a scary Panto which we have now overcome but it now ranges from not wanting to be on his own to being scared of the dark. He’ll get up around 10-20 times a night. And it’s never a peaceful affair, he starts crying and screaming, which makes me start crying and screaming sad I am making things 10 tens worse and I don’t know what else to do, I say some horrible things that probably just make him feel even more scared and unsafe, things like he’lol have to go and leave at grandmas or daddy can’t leave here anymore as he keeps waking him (dh has to go work at 4am) I really have tried being nice, talking about his worries and reassuring him but after a few nights it all reverts back to this horrible screaming at each other. I hate that he sees me like that and last night I was crying again pleading with him to stay in bed, he told me to stop crying for god sake and he wanted his real mummy back sad I am heartbroken and desperate for help. I do have an 8 week old dd so I do believe this and starting year 1 at school is all contributing to his anxieties/insecurities, I just feel out of my depth. I have posted this in sleep section too as I just don’t know where to turn to for help

You both sound exhausted. Just have him in bed with you. Do you really think that's worse than shouting matches and no sleep during the night? For your own sanity, and for your son's health (the lack of sleep can have serious consequences on growth and development), just bring him in bed as a temporary measure until you can work something out that will suit your family for the longer term.

Also, try and see it from his perspective. He sounds genuinely terrified. Say you could hear creepy noises in the night and were scared, but all alone in your room, how would you feel if the only people you lived with and could provide comfort kept sending you back to your room to deal with your fears alone? Even as an adult I couldn't deal with that when I'm scared, how much less a child...

Get pans, rattles etc, anything that makes a loud noise, get everyone to make a huge noise with them to scare the monsters away, make it fun, it worked with mine x

You need to talk to your HV for support advice and sleep management. There has been a lot of advice on here about sleeping with him in your room which would make life harder later. For a very short term, you could put a mattress in his room provided you planned a graduated withdrawal It ie easier to move yourself out of a child's room than the child out of yours. If he has become afraid there are lots of lovely story books you can read to him, eg The dark by Lemony Snicket. You are in a state at the moment so if a grandma would he
ave him for the odd night it would help. He will also be aware that he has competition now in a small baby which will upset him. When you feel the emotion rising too high you must walk away and ask for help

i know I need to lose this stupid idea that letting him sleep with me or dh is us failing

What you're doing now is failing him, reassuring him and letting him sleep with you is quite the opposite

I have 3 children no have slept in my bed at various points, they have never woken each other up. There is no such generational thing about bringing children into your bed, my siblings co slept in my parents bed, the oldest is nearly 50, I am mid 50’s.

Sorry to sound harsh but saying sorry after is not going to cut it, it means nothing if the cycle just carries on. Yes you will be exhausted, I have been there but he is very little, sounds scared and has had major changes in his life recently, he is clearly telling you that he needs you. My middle son is 6 and still comes into my bed sometimes, he tells us that our bed feels like the safest place in the world, that is what your son needs, he wants to feel safe.

DH needs to step up I assume he has days off he also has 2 children and needs to co-parent in good and bad
Maybe speak to his school to see if they can give you any advice my ds school is always keen to hear about issues at home and may be able to help.
Let him sleep in your room to start with and see if that helps
and lastly please speak to your HV or GP about your mental health over this.

No he was just given out old double bed and now refuses a single bed lol think he thinks he’s gonna fall out of it! Although his bedroom is really big and I often think maybe it’s just too big and not cosy enough. I’m currently searching for some sort of story telling/music playing toy or bear that has some sort of light

*am mid 50’s should read mid 30’s.

Also worth seeing the GP. Constant night terrors and hallucinations could be a sign of another medical problem. My DH had this as a child for years and was a terrible sleeper, but all went away when his reoccuring ear infection was treated properly.

Mine has been going through this phase again so I let him sleep in with me. It's gradually started helping him feel secure again, and personally has worked wonders for him. His behaviour has improved at school, he's less restless at night. Doesn't work for everyone obviously.

It's much less exhausting to wake up, shush the child next to you and go back to sleep than physically getting up and walking to his bedroom to comfort him.

Take him in your bed, or sleep in his bed, but that would be my first step to try to solve this out. Just think that if you shout at a child at night, you scare him, so he's more likely to have a nightmare straight away, wake up again and it's a vicious circle.

Darling, if he starts sleeping in your bed, he'll never leave. Your husband might, though. Sorry to be blunt, but I have friends who have learnt the hard way in this situation!

Perhaps there's a way you can make bedtime fun for DS. How about a star chart? If DS stays in bed, he gets a star. If he manages a couple of nights, he receives a reward or little surprise - something for his bedroom, maybe?

Back in the day my DS loved glow in the dark stars. When he eventually grew out of them and we took them down they pulled the paint off the ceiling, but they were still worth it!

Take care of yourself.

I had awful night terrors when I was a kid. My parents would come in and yell at me. I still remember the fear mixed with the shame and sadness.

Letting him in to your bed really isn't a big deal compared with him remembering this for life.

I think you know that shouting at his isn’t going to help matters.

If you don’t want him to sleep in your bed what about if he makes a little bed on the floor in your room? He has the security of you being in the room but won’t be in the same bed. You could move it nearer the door every night and get it back into his room. Or else spend a few nights sleeping on the floor bed next to his bed (my mum did this for me when I was ill and it really helped me feel secure and knowing she was there). When he wakes up worried you can reach your hand up to him and tell him you’re there and everything’s ok. I’m not sure how that would work with a baby, guess you’d bring the baby in too. You could set it up like a fun sleepover together and then once he’s managed a couple of nights ok and feels a bit less scared he might manage on his own. It sounds like he’s got in a habit and it must be really horrible and scary for him.

My dd has a number of sleep meditations aimed at children (she has ‘the rabbit who wants to fall asleep’ cd and other specific sleep meditations aimed at relaxing children). Often we have one set up in a CD player and she has the remote by her bed so if she wakes up in the night and needs it she knows how it start it by herself.

I don’t agree with the thought on ‘if I give you this spray you can spray the monsters away’ type of approach as to me that just makes them think their fears could be real. If you’re giving a child something to defeat the monsters then monsters must be real and they’re not making it up. I think you need to always be up front that there aren’t any, having a look under the bed etc to check if necessary. Having a light on somewhere sounds like a good idea as in the dark shadows can look creepy.

My dd also has a night light that has stars come up on the ceiling and gradually change colour, that helps dd drift off as well.

Put smooth radio on in his room quietly? They play a relaxing playlist all night. I have anxiety and struggle to sleep and that's what I play.

Like others have said, in your situation I would have him in bed with me.
Both of mine used to sleep in own beds, but now sleep in bed with me (long story how we got to there - it wasn't the plan!).

But I have found I like it. Mine are 2 and 5 and that quiet time together has really helped me and DS1. I have found that having that secure time together at the end of the day has meant that DS1 has opened up to me about his feelings and things that are bothering him, that he never used to.

I agree with a pp who says the no kids in bed thing is like a weird badge of pride in the UK.

I no longer live there and where I am now most people co sleep.

Not one person I know has an older child sleeping with them. And who cares if they do? I'd love to be less of a light sleeper so I could curl up with ds. They'll be gone before you know it.

Just a CD player in his room for stories, then you can buy new cds and mix them up. Paddington and Winnie the Pooh are really good for his age.
My DS is 12 and has a lovely knowledge of classic children’s literature from his night time listening habits. It started out of necessity but has been really good for him educationally too.

Use heavy covers as well and maybe bank pillows up around him .

I know I need to lose this stupid idea that letting him sleep with me or dh is us failing.

It absolutely isn't. And he has a double bed! Pop in beside him, put baby in the room and for a while all sleep there. Whatever works to get you sleeping right now is what matters.

Give him a big "I'm Sorry". Tell him of the change and get some sleep. Forget lights and bears and music etc, he wants his mummy and right now with no support from your OH, you aren't equipped to be sorting him out. DD is nine, she goes through phases of this (like, once or twice a year) the only way to get past it quickly is to let her have a few days in with me.

Just do it and get some sleep. And DO NOT beat yourself up for the angry shouting. We've all done it, and if anyone says otherwise they are lying. He's 5 and he will get over it.

And, your OH doesn't put your child to bed "for you" he does it because he is the child's father.

I do feel very sorry for your little boy.

He needs to be not shut out, nor kept at arm's length. Don't listen to the rod-for-your-back brigade. Don't employ endless strategies to keep him in his room and away from you at night. Have him in bed with you, on the other side of you to the baby, for as long as he needs. There is some damage to undo. Some of the things you have said to him re sending him away or his father leacving are unforgivable (sorry), and seeing you screaming and crying will have been terrifying for him. He needs closeness and security until his world is restored.

Children need different things. My first kept coming into our bed at night until he was 8 or so, my second rarely did it beyond three. Both co-slept with for the first couple of years. You need to go with what he needs atm. Life will be easier when you're not constantly on the alert for the upper parenting hand we are talked into believing we need at all times.

Him wanting to sleep in your bed is no kind of ‘failing’ - you just didn’t expect it. You and your son are both exhausted. Put the baby on one side of you in bed and your son on the other while his father goes in your son’s room. Or, put a bed/mattress in your room & your son or his father can sleep on that.

One day your son will want to go back to his own room. I think your understandable exhaustion & stress may be feeding his insecurities.

After my H and I split up my daughter (then 7) would frequently sleep with me. She went back of her own accord.

As long as his father is ‘on side’ of course - it will be temporary.

By all means try other things first OP but please ditch the idea that if you let them in your bed you'll never get them out. Even if it does become a problem later on you will be a lot more equipped to deal with it when you're not already exhausted and there's no guarantee it will be a problem, my DD switched to her own bed with no drama when she was ready.

Do go and see your GP too, if you do have PND you can't tackle it alone and getting treatment for an illness is the furthest thing away from failure it could possibly be. Come back and talk here if it helps too, you'll get lots of support

Darling, if he starts sleeping in your bed, he'll never leave. Your husband might, though

This is utter bollocks. Ignore this.

I imangine rhe eight week old is a far bigger root cause of this for all of you than you're willing to admit, and you know telling a scared five year old he will have to leave the family is adding dynamite to the situation and escalating it.

If he needs security bring him in with you. It's not a failing. Screaming, crying and threatening him with leaving the family is though.

See your doctor as likely you have some post natal depression coupled with sleep deprivation, and you need to break the cycle.