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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I scarring my child for life

229 replies

BettyBoo246 · 10/01/2019 11:50

My 5 year old ds has recently started getting out of bed at night. It all began when he saw a scary Panto which we have now overcome but it now ranges from not wanting to be on his own to being scared of the dark. He’ll get up around 10-20 times a night. And it’s never a peaceful affair, he starts crying and screaming, which makes me start crying and screaming sad I am making things 10 tens worse and I don’t know what else to do, I say some horrible things that probably just make him feel even more scared and unsafe, things like he’lol have to go and leave at grandmas or daddy can’t leave here anymore as he keeps waking him (dh has to go work at 4am) I really have tried being nice, talking about his worries and reassuring him but after a few nights it all reverts back to this horrible screaming at each other. I hate that he sees me like that and last night I was crying again pleading with him to stay in bed, he told me to stop crying for god sake and he wanted his real mummy back sad I am heartbroken and desperate for help. I do have an 8 week old dd so I do believe this and starting year 1 at school is all contributing to his anxieties/insecurities, I just feel out of my depth. I have posted this in sleep section too as I just don’t know where to turn to for help

OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/01/2019 13:00

Can you let him stay in your room for a couple of weeks and then tackle it later after youve caught up on some sleep and have got a proper plan.
Whatever happens it wont be like this forever. Sleep deprivation is awful, and I too have shouted when at the end of my tether. Of course it doesnt help the situation and makes it worse, but please be gentle on yourself and on him. Youre both tired, youre both not getting proper nights sleep, but he is the baby and remember he just needs you right now as much as he ever did. He wont be scarred for life, but you do need a better strategy and to find a way of just all getting some sleep for now.

ID81241 · 10/01/2019 13:03

Darling, if he starts sleeping in your bed, he'll never leave. Your husband might, though. Sorry to be blunt, but I have friends who have learnt the hard way in this situation!

@SincerelyMinty Sorry, I don't agree. My siblings and I slept in our parents' bed whenever we were scared, and they always welcomed us in. However, it wasn't a long term thing and once we were more confident again, we went back to our own beds.

My 2.5 year old sleeps in our bed some days when he is scared/ ill - then happily goes back to his bed when he is better. A misguided sense of pride/fear shouldn;t stop the OP from providing comfort to her child who obviously desperately needs it.

A star chart? Seriously? Would you get comfort from a star chart when you're ill/ sad/ scared? We're not talking about a child that is acting up, but a frightened little boy having constant nightmares. How is a sticker chart going to help?

waterrat · 10/01/2019 13:03

I would bring him into your room for now so you can all get more sleep

OneForTheRoadThen · 10/01/2019 13:03

I sleep with both my children (2.5 and 9 months) - it can be done safely. The set up we have is bed guard, 2.5 year old, me, baby in sleepyhead, bed guard. Alternatively you could have baby in a next to me crib. DH sleeps in the spare room.

In the early days I went to bed with the toddler and DH looked after the baby from when he got home from work, did dream feed and popped her in bed next to me about 10pm. Often she settled with me holding her hand in bed and the sleepyhead made me feel a lot safer about co-sleeping. It gets better Thanks

Twirliegig · 10/01/2019 13:03

Please don’t shout and scream at him, saying things like he’ll have to live at grandmas house and that his daddy can’t live there anymore because of him must be so so upsetting for him. Can’t dad resettle him or sleep in his room with him if he’s too tired? I have a toddler and a small baby too so understand how difficult things are but please don’t take it out on your ds, he’s only little and needs you. He’s probably also a bit unsettled/confused about having a new sibling as well which might take a little while to get used to so he needs comfort from you.

BettyBoo246 · 10/01/2019 13:04

We have tried reward charts and have tried taking things/toys away but these have no effect on him, I suppose as he’s at school most of the day he doesn’t miss the toys I’ve taken off him, I do think though at this point whatever I say consequences wise will not work.
He was ill once when he was about 3 and dh did sleep with him a couple of nights but it was a nightmare after as he then expected dh was going to stay with him every night but I guess he was younger then

OP posts:
AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 10/01/2019 13:04

What Yabbers said about SincerelyMinty's tremendously helpful comment.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 10/01/2019 13:06

OP, he's scared. Fear isn't a behaviour you should be disciplining with rewards and consequences. You're teaching him his feelings are inconvenient and unacceptable, that he needs to shut them in to gain approval. Never mind rods for your back, this approach could be storing up great trouble for all of you in the future if you continue to pursue it.

Dimsumlosesum · 10/01/2019 13:06

My middle one is also going through similar, moved her bed next to mine, she dream shouts and yells so it's easier to just lean over, give her a gentle pat or shush and then I can sleep. There nothing wrong with it, don't be ashamed to have him in with you you're not "failing" x

Magicpaintbrush · 10/01/2019 13:07

I have personal first-hand experience of this. The best advice I can give you is to continue reassuring your child as best you can, and under no circumstances ever threaten them that you will leave or that they will have to go live somewhere else if they don't behave - if you do that you are only feeding the anxiety and making it worse, it is literally the worst thing you can say, no matter how desperate you feel at the time. And believe me I understand, because with my DD it got so bad I actually self harmed on a few occasions, I felt like I was losing my mind.

The thing you need to get your head around first is that the behaviour your child is displaying is not coming from a place of naughtiness, it is coming from a place of anxiety, and while that anxiety still exists so will the behaviour. Punishments will not work, I can guarantee it - the anxiety will be more powerful than the fear of punishment.

My DD developed Separation Anxiety at bedtimes just before she turned 8 - it started on Christmas Eve in fact and I think it was triggered by anxiety about Santa coming in to her room, plus an overnight trip with Brownies that she had been on. She couldn't be left in her room alone to fall asleep, she would scream and cry if I left the room. For 4 months I had to sit in with her, sometimes for hours, until she fell asleep. We tried everything, literally everything - I could write a list a page long of everything we tried - reassurance, talking, discipline, help books - and nothing worked. We also had the problem that it was me, not my DH that she developed this clingyness to, so we couldn't even take it in turns to sit with her, it was all on me. I used to sit in the dark in her room doing the online shop on my phone just to feel like I wasn't wasting my evening. We gradually increased how far away from her bed I was sitting, until I was outside the door, but I had to sing nursery rhymes so she could hear I was there, and then it progressed to her knocking on the wall and I would knock back. It took about 7 months before I could go downstairs and I had to check on her every ten mins until she was asleep. It was a long and frustrating process. There were nights when she had to sleep in bed with me etc. It put a hell of a strain on our marriage as well, my DH threatened to leave etc, it was a nightmare.

Now two years on she still has separation anxiety and is nearly 10, but it is MUCH more manageable. She might sleep in bed with me once a week, it really depends. She will sometimes be clingy at bedtime but I am firm and about 60% of the time she will accept that and go to sleep. Other nights she is great and settles straight down. She reads in bed for 15 mins, at which point I pop back in and tuck her up etc. Sleepovers are totally out of the question, she can't cope with them at all. We have also noticed it gets better during term time, we think because she is in a routine etc. We talk through her anxieties, reassure her it isn't her fault and one day she will grow out of it.

I can tell you that on her bad nights she has said that she feels like once I am out of sight, even if I'm only in the next room, she is scared that I have disappeared and she'll never see me again. She also has dreams fairly regularly that me and her dad have died (usually eaten by a dinosaur or something!). We have gone through the school to try and get her some help, however it's been about 16 months since we made that call and we are still waiting for the initial assessment (apparently they are really busy!)

It must be really so much harder for you with a new baby, I can't imagine it. But your DH absolutely needs to step in and help too. Just remember, reassurance is key and don't make threats to leave or anything similar. Try not to let it escalate into a meltdown on your part, it won't help in the long run. I know that's easier to say than it is to do though. Good luck, I hope it's just a passing phase.

loolooskip · 10/01/2019 13:07

You're taking things away from a child who's scared? You may not be meaning to be but your actions are very unkind and are only making things worse.

Raspberry88 · 10/01/2019 13:10

Darling, if he starts sleeping in your bed, he'll never leave. Your husband might, though. Sorry to be blunt, but I have friends who have learnt the hard way in this situation!
What a shitty thing to say. Any man who breaks up a family because his wife is tending to his distressed child is an actual disgrace. Any co sleeping will be temporary and sounds like just the right thing to reassure your DS. I agree that we have a strange attitude to it in this country.. it's so natural.

Stopwoofing · 10/01/2019 13:10

no, my elder DD is like this, when something's driven by anxiety taking things away and rewards don't work for us either, isn't it reinforcing the 'you are less important' message? Getting her to buy into the solution when she's calmed down does but getting her anxiety level down can take some days.

Having a sibling is a crisis of sorts and 8 weeks is about the point when the penny has dropped it's all permanent.

MrsBobDylan · 10/01/2019 13:11

I would put him in your bed. He won't still want to share with you when he's 18 and it will get you through the sleep deprivation you are currently suffering.

It is not good to be threatening your 5 year old with his Dad leaving, but you know that. I have my 3rd dc sleeping in my bed because when he was born, his disabled brothers only slept 4 hours a night and I couldn't get up for a baby and a four year old without nearly loosing my mind to sleep starvation!

Good luck, it will get better.

frenchknitting · 10/01/2019 13:13

Firstly, just bring him in with you in the short term and cuddle him. Once you are over this phase look at ways to get him back in his bed, but for now just comfort him when he needs it.

Secondly - make sure you are getting the support you need. Speak to the HV and your DH about how you are feeling, and ask for help.

Finally, try and get help from DH to spend quality 1 on 1 time with DS during the day. I know it's easier said than done with a 8 week old, but I remember just a 30 min swim just the two of us making a massive difference at that age.

Stopwoofing · 10/01/2019 13:15

i generally don't want children sleeping in my bed, I'll admit, and I am such a dinosaur to think it IS bad for relationships in the long term, generally my children don't sleep in bed with us - there are exception times though, such as times of high anxiety such as this. You'll have a better chance of fixing it when all is calm and the relationship is repaired with your DS.

I've shouted at my DD at times when she's been utterly obstinate about things and felt ashamed, I'm sure most of us have.

BettyBoo246 · 10/01/2019 13:15

Thank you magicpaintbrush that’s really helped Flowers
I know everything I’m doing is adding fuel to the fire. I do love him so much I know it sounds like I probably don’t. I just felt like I was out of options but reading the comments have made me realise I haven’t and I need to realise I’m the mother and he’s the child

OP posts:
ambereeree · 10/01/2019 13:17

Very similar situation to you OP. Ask your DH to sleep with DS or you have him in your room. Its the easiest way for all of you.

nooddsocksforme · 10/01/2019 13:19

You must be exhausted so no wonder you lose your temper . My youngest was like this and it did last a while. I went to sleep in my own bed but got in beside him if he came in though the night feeling frightened. I did it with as little fuss as possible. He soon fell back to sleep. Sometimes I woke up in his bed, sometimes I got back to my own. I did get a sleep tho. My dh was understanding ( as any decent dh should be imo ) and didn’t rush into the arms of another woman.
Then suddenly it all stopped and he was fine. I never regretted doing it because I am scared of the dark myself and what helps the most is knowing there is someone in bed beside me.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/01/2019 13:20

All four of mine have had little spells of needing to come into our bed for a cuddle. It's fine and normal and it passes. They have all grown up to be secure, well adjusted people.

I think you need to work on him feeling loved and safe and he rest will fall into place.

Sickofthispain14 · 10/01/2019 13:22

My son had a similar reaction to a panto at this age and was genuinely terrified by it. So much so it affected him in school. I was a single mum at the time and so if he got in bed with me I really didn't mind.
He did get over it but it took time and a few years of not going on the annual school trip to the panto at Christmas. Your dh should be supporting you more. Your son will grow out of it but what he needs is calm and logical reassurance that the baddy can't get to him.
And you need some rest and support too.
Good luck

SincerelyMinty · 10/01/2019 13:23

Any man who breaks up a family because his wife is tending to his distressed child is an actual disgrace.

Oh, I don't disagree with that. I was just trying to warn OP that this is exactly the kind of situation which can quickly become a bad habit (and put a massive strain on any relationship).

I am sorry if I offended anyone.

oh4forkssake · 10/01/2019 13:24

Quite the opposite OP. What comes out really clearly is that you do love him very much but are completely shattered with exhaustion. Do whatever you need to so that everyone gets some sleep and everything will start looking up.

Best of luck to you Thanks

Quartz2208 · 10/01/2019 13:25

First off don’t try punishment or rewards these are for rational behaviour he can’t control it
But don’t go irrational either stop with the tears and the screaming as well

Reassure him and don’t underestimate the sibling impact

CmdrIvanova · 10/01/2019 13:30

Just an idea, but if you do bring him into bed with you, maybe tell him "BabyDD wants you to sleep here until you're not scared." Put the baby on his team.