Am I scarring my child for life

[BettyBoo246]

My 5 year old ds has recently started getting out of bed at night. It all began when he saw a scary Panto which we have now overcome but it now ranges from not wanting to be on his own to being scared of the dark. He’ll get up around 10-20 times a night. And it’s never a peaceful affair, he starts crying and screaming, which makes me start crying and screaming sad I am making things 10 tens worse and I don’t know what else to do, I say some horrible things that probably just make him feel even more scared and unsafe, things like he’lol have to go and leave at grandmas or daddy can’t leave here anymore as he keeps waking him (dh has to go work at 4am) I really have tried being nice, talking about his worries and reassuring him but after a few nights it all reverts back to this horrible screaming at each other. I hate that he sees me like that and last night I was crying again pleading with him to stay in bed, he told me to stop crying for god sake and he wanted his real mummy back sad I am heartbroken and desperate for help. I do have an 8 week old dd so I do believe this and starting year 1 at school is all contributing to his anxieties/insecurities, I just feel out of my depth. I have posted this in sleep section too as I just don’t know where to turn to for help

Ps we had to be strict about nightlights and work through it without. At one point her room was like the Blackpool illuminations, but actually nightlights disrupt sleep. She just has a small orange one now.

You are shattered, I'm sure, but I don't think saying horrible things will help any of you. I don't think it will help him get better at sleeping, worry that his dad will leave or he'll have to live at Grandma's. Grandma's will become a place of fear at 5 years old.

It will get better.

Some of these Panto's can be really scary for a young mind. My daughter loved Snow White, till she saw the panto.

@BettyBoo246

IMHO, with a newborn and a husband with a busy job, you just need to focus on getting the sleep right now however you can. Worry about "sleep training" both children, together with a new routine, once you're ready to tackle that with DC2. Kids are flexible - you can introduce a new routine to a 6 or 7 year old if you need to. Don't stress yourself (and him) about it now. :)

if your husband leaves you because you tended to your frightened kid and responded to his needs, then that would make him quite the dickhead. It would usually mean that he would have left anyway

I let my daughter sleep in with me for as long as she wanted, whichever nights she wanted too. After some time she wanted to sleep in her own room. They won't be in your bed forever if you let them sleep with you. My daughter is 10 now and on the very, very rare occasion she wants to have a cuddle it's ok. She had really bad night terrors around 3 years old, they scared me to be honest as she was just so distressed. Being reassured is what kids need. You're not a horrible person for responding poorly when sleep deprived, you are just sleep deprived. Forgive yourself, make this a fresh start and I hope you all manage to sleep well tonight.

I feel your pain regarding the lack of sleep, and hopefully it is just a passing phase. Our youngest daughter (9) has never slept well, we've been to sleep therapy about it which has helped, but it takes time.

We've done the shouting/screaming thing out of sheer frustration (it really doesn't work), but have now got into a routine that generally works with about an hour of "quiet time" with mummy and daddy together in bed, watching tv, and then it's bed time - with the bed set up as a den, and lego lights as a nightlight (I think they're called light stax). She still comes through to us occasionally and ends up sleeping with us but I'd personally us all rather get some sleep rather than have the complete and utter hassle of trying to get her back into bed again on the occasions she does now come through (which are substantially less than they used to be).

It will get better. It takes time (a hell of a lot of time) and a lot of patience. Keep strong!

I don't understand why you have to start screaming and crying and saying horrible things. Why can he not just get into bed with you, have a cuddle and sleep.

You don't have to take him into bed with you at the start of the night. Just put him to bed like normal and tell him that if he gets scared, you're there for cuddles, and let him come in with you then. In theory when he gets used to the fact that he can come to you any time, waking will be less scary and he will come in later and less often.

CmdrIvanova thank you! You’ve been really helpful as have other pps. I’ve suggested to dh we rearrange and decorate ds’s room make it how he wants it, try the music as ds did mention that his friend at school has music and I will tell him if he really is too scared then to come in to me and I will be there for him. I will put dd’s monitor in his room and say she wants him to have that as that plays music with lights etc just to see if that helps him. I’ve also found an app that has soothing stories and music. Above all I will make sure he knows he can come to me when he’s scared and if I feel like I’m about to start shouting I will look back through these comments

I agree with CmdrIvanova - put him to bed as usual, with lovely bedtime - stories and cuddles - and tell him if he has a bad dream, or wakes up worried, he doesn't need to be upset, he can come straight to you and get in your bed.

Mine always started off in their own beds and invariably toddled over at some point in the early hours - my 9yo still does, but usually not till about 5am; I just lift up the duvet and he creeps in for a cuddle. He either falls asleep or goes off again back to his bed 10 minutes later because it's too hot.

I think once he feels secure, he might come without all the crying, and will probably settle down fast. Mine were usually half-asleep when they came over. Sometimes we didn't even notice - we'd just realise in the morning that there was a small child curled up in the bed with us.

Sorry, x-post!

...you're telling your 5 year old that he'll have to go live with his grandma or his dad will leave if he doesnt stay in bed? Exhausted or not that's just plain wrong. No wonder the poor kids scared at night if his mums acting like a hysterical banshee every time he wakes up.
Get your DH to see to him or sleep in his bed and ffs stop telling him he'll have to leave.

My middle DC has been, shall we say, high needs from the beginning (bloody exhausting!). When she was 4/5 she went through a long spell of waking in the night for the first time since she was approx 18 months old. She would wake up around the same time screaming, I think she’d had a night terror if I’m being honest. The only thing that helped her was being in my bed close to me so that’s what I had to do. She also insisted on bringing every single teddy in with her so I had 20-30 soft toys on the end of the bed . This went on for a few months but she did grow out of it as with any phase. She’s now seven and a half and hasn’t been in my bed for at least two years.

It won’t last forever but I really would suggest he joins you in bed for cuddles instead of having a screaming match in the early hours.

You've just had a new baby, he is likely to be worried about his place in the family - please don't shout at him. Speak to your midwife/HV as you may need support, the adult crying and screaming every night is not right and really not good for you to feel that bad

I know you think it was the panto, but was that the same time as your baby was born?

I agree with others. We put a small mattress on the floor of our room with a duvet and pillows when DD was 3 and DS arrived. We put her to bed but she knew if she needed, she could slip under the covers in our room without disturbing us. We all slept (as much as you can with a newborn) and it settled her fears.

7 years on DS occasionally does the same if dr who is scary! This will pass but it's awful if you don't sleep.

If it’s noise that’s bothering him could you use audiobooks? Or sleep stories? There’s lots on Spotify and YouTube and you could pop them on. Better than music imo because it gives your brain something to focus on until you fall asleep. Lots of the sleep stories on Spotify have a timer on them so they won’t play all night

I'd let him sleep in my bed. The first time he gets up I'd take him in with us, cuddle up, breathe slowly deeply and evenly, and see what happens. You might actually all fall asleep again until morning.

When I was a child, my siblings and I would go through phases of nightmares. My elder sibling would get into my dad's side of the bed, my youger sibling would get into my mum's side of the bed and I would get into my grandmother's bed.

No fuss at all. They'd just squash up a bit, put an arm round you and we'd just fall asleep again. There might have been a tiny bit of whispering.

Try it. Do you know any 18+ years olds who sleep with their parents? Probably not.

@BettyBoo246 I think your plan is a good one. Good luck tonight. Let us know how it goes tomorrow if you like.

It's a temporary need - it may never happen or it might last weeks or months or years - but i think it is part of being a parent. Just like any other need.

If you meet it all is well - no need for special measures. They are happy, secure and rested and so are you. If you don't meet it but try and make it go away the result is misery - insecure, sad etc and for you gut-wrenching daily guilt because you know that you are destroying trust and the effects will be life long

Don't do this to your DC or you. Don't try and train that no one will be there when you need them or try and train yourself not to be there when your child needs you. It is totally unnecessary.

They won't be in your bed forever. Both my DS are autistic and had problems sleeping in their own beds and now that they are teenagers I miss the cuddles and intimate chats but celebrate their independence. But that is normal parenting - missing the dependence but celebrating when they are ready to take independent steps.

We have the rule where they go to sleep in their he'd but if they wake up they can get in our bed. Ours are 6 and 2. They often don't even wake me, they just need to be close to me if they wake up. The 6 year old sleeps through more often than not, the 2 year old gets in most nights but will generally go straight back to sleep.

Honestly OP, let him know he's safe and loved by getting in your bed. It's more important at the moment than your husband's needs - he can sleep in the spare room or on the sofa for a bit if your boy getting in your bed will wake him up. Hold your boy close, he needs you right now.

In their he'd = in their bed. Stupid phone!

I’ve not read the whole thread but just wanted to say your son sounds like mine. He had dreadful night terrors and nightmares and didn’t sleep through the night until he was seven. He didn’t sleep through consistently until he was almost 10!

Some things that made our lives easier were a new duvet to stop the nightmares coming, turning his pillow over “to the magic side” to help him drop off again. I put glitter (Barry M Dazzle Dust because it was all I had!) round the windows and said it was magic dust to stop the bad dreams getting in. We made a dream catcher. We did all sorts! Nothing worked like a charm but I think together they might have helped. He also just came in with us when he wanted to.

He is now 12, a huge hulking tween as tall as me, and he still doesn’t sleep brilliantly but he doesn’t sleep in our bed any more. And my husband is still here!

1- Seems like you are suffering from PND. Get support and treatment for that. Anxiety manifests itself in the shape of anger at times.

2- How big is his room? can you put a mattress there and sleep with him. My husband is completely against letting our daughter sleep with us as according to him she develops a habit of it and he is right. Plus he doesn't get any sleep with her in our bed. What I do is sleep with her in her room. That way she is not out of her room and knows that I am there with her. May be just move into his room for a few days till it settles down.

We also got calm app and my daughter loves to listen to their night time stories. They also have breathing exercises for anxiety. May be you both can try them. It also has white noise and ambient sounds.

one more thing I remembered, we were told by a sleep consultant to use blue light at night as that is more relaxing and doesn't affect sleep. Now we have a night light plugged in but even that is covered to give a very little light so that things are visible but not too bright.