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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I scarring my child for life

229 replies

BettyBoo246 · 10/01/2019 11:50

My 5 year old ds has recently started getting out of bed at night. It all began when he saw a scary Panto which we have now overcome but it now ranges from not wanting to be on his own to being scared of the dark. He’ll get up around 10-20 times a night. And it’s never a peaceful affair, he starts crying and screaming, which makes me start crying and screaming sad I am making things 10 tens worse and I don’t know what else to do, I say some horrible things that probably just make him feel even more scared and unsafe, things like he’lol have to go and leave at grandmas or daddy can’t leave here anymore as he keeps waking him (dh has to go work at 4am) I really have tried being nice, talking about his worries and reassuring him but after a few nights it all reverts back to this horrible screaming at each other. I hate that he sees me like that and last night I was crying again pleading with him to stay in bed, he told me to stop crying for god sake and he wanted his real mummy back sad I am heartbroken and desperate for help. I do have an 8 week old dd so I do believe this and starting year 1 at school is all contributing to his anxieties/insecurities, I just feel out of my depth. I have posted this in sleep section too as I just don’t know where to turn to for help

OP posts:
Yinv · 10/01/2019 12:27

I went through this. What you need to realise is that in British society, we wear it as some kind of badge of honour that our baby can sleep in their own room. It’s shit.

In fact, we are animals. That little boy is your cub and he just wants to be with his mummy, he is programmed this way. Either stick him in bed with you or get his bed into your room. For as long as it takes.

I struggled with no sleep and peoples’ judgements for ages. Eventually what I did was to remove all furniture from our bedroom. We have our large bed remaining and I bought another bed for each of my 2 kids and got them into the room as well. Ok the room is tight with thin spaces to walk and no other furniture. But my kids were extremely happy and content. I have a friend who did the same, she was able to get 2 double beds into her bedroom (again removed all other furniture). One double for her and her dh and her 2 little ds’s in the other double. Again, Kids very happy. Another I read on here just put covered a bedroom floor in mattresses for her entire family.

I still kept a bed in their own bedrooms for them. So my kids have 2 beds each. They move out any day they choose as they know their bed is always there for them in both rooms.

It’s not even expensive if you get the second bed from ikea - my dds (kids) bed cost only £35 and then you can get a mattress for a similar cost. So, well under £100 and you can guarantee you get to sleep all night for the foreseeable future and your child is happy.

saoirse31 · 10/01/2019 12:29

Why don't you just take him into your bed, poor little boy must be exhausted himself.

Stopwoofing · 10/01/2019 12:30

ha i never knew i had a temper before I had kids. But adults don't tend to scream in your face relentlessly when you want to go back to sleep as mine have done! I hate the feeling I'm not coping but him doing the odd school run is not a sign that you aren't coping!

I'm wondering if you have any other back up?

It helps me to remind myself that it's not personal, they are venting their emotions not trying to make you sad or angry.

Yinv · 10/01/2019 12:30

Also when my 2nd was born, my first was not remotely disturbed being in the same room as a baby waking for feeds. He might wake up, but it wasnt upsetting of frightening and he would go straight back to sleep, comforted by the presence of his family.

DoulaDaisy · 10/01/2019 12:31

Why would you never let them in your bed, do you like sleeping with your husband beside you? I know I do mine, it's comforting to me, so you can imagine if it's comforting to an adult how comforting it is to a child. Mine always sleep way better beside me or my husband than by themselves.

Please stop shouting at him, he's 5 and please see your health visitor/publin health nurse/GP about your post natal feelings.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 10/01/2019 12:32

We had this with my ds, do used to get into bed with him to settle him (and usually ended up falling asleep with him). We bought a bt baby monitor that projected stars and moons onto the ceiling and played music, and the receiver was two way, so when he woke we could talk to him reassuring him that we were there. For a while after DD was born I put him and the baby in with me, after a few weeks we bought him a high sleeper, he realised we couldn't get into his big boy bed with him and he settled! It is exhausting, as pp said this won't last forever-do what ever you can right now to keep your self on an even keel, everything else can be sorted later

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2019 12:32

I’ve always been of the generation ‘never let them in your bed’ which is probably the only option left

That's not generational. My children came in with me nearly 40 years ago.

You do what you can to get sleep. It won't be forever. And I absolutely think your DH should sleep with your son.

oh4forkssake · 10/01/2019 12:34

You’re exhausted. Go for quick fixes that solve your problems now and deal with them long term in the future when you’ve had some sleep!

^^this. A 1000 times this.

I don't have a baby but do have a five year old with a vivid imagination. I've given in to the odd hour in her bed with her when I'm too shattered to do anything else. It means we both get some sleep. She was a klingon baby and I spent so long trying to persuade her not to be. But it's who she is and there are other ways I can make her independent and confident while maintaining my sanity.

Get him a little bed for your room and everyone will sleep better.

And once she was weaned off me she NEVER stayed in my bed until recently. I was very much of the "everyone sleeps in their own beds" mindset. But sometimes little ones need their mums and that's ok too.

BertieBotts · 10/01/2019 12:34

What about a bed made up on the floor in your room if you don't want him directly in with you?

RosemarysBabyDress · 10/01/2019 12:35

What I would you is send my husband to sleep in the spare room, and put my 5 year old in bed with me! You need to break his cycle of waking up scared, so being with you would be the first step to try. You can always work on putting him back in his own bed later once that is sorted.

The only reason I would get rid of my husband ,temporarily, would be to let him sleep and give me more space in the bed, from 1 year old, little children are fidgety as hell at night Grin

Your husband should also take 2 or 3 days off, and do a night shift with your 5 year old (sending you into the spare bed). It would do you a lot of good to sleep, or as much sleep as you can get if your 8 weeks old is breast-fed.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 10/01/2019 12:36

He is so exhausted yes I can see his little face when I pick him up from school and he looks so tired, I could cry. All day I cry about how cruel I’ve been to him and then as soon as he starts getting out of bed I seem to turn in to some horrible cow! We snuggle in the evenings and constantly tell each other we love each other and I say sorry and so does he but then it all starts again that night.
I really do appreciate all your advice it’s really helping me realise there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think I will try the music tonight and that sleep tent looks great but not sure it will fit double bed. If it’s not successful then I think he will just have to get in with me and dh in his bed. I just hope dd doesn’t keep him up with her noises!

OP posts:
CanaryFish · 10/01/2019 12:37

With my daughter I just let her have whatever songs she likes at the moment- songs she hears on the radio/movies etc but it’s on at a low level so not over stimulating or disturbing her if she is ready for sleep. We used to turn it off say at midnight or whenever we went to bed but the odd time she’d come in to us around 2 or 4 and complain it had turned off !! If we told her before hand we’d be turning it off when she was asleep she’d be nervous.
We have concerns of course that’ll she be dependent on it but for now her sleep is more important than some far off sleepover

NC4Now · 10/01/2019 12:37

That’s true Nanny0gg.
I can still remember getting in bed with my mum if I had a nightmare or I was poorly. I used to try and breathe at the same time she did and I’d be asleep in no time.
I’m 42.

CmdrIvanova · 10/01/2019 12:38

I swore my DC would never sleep in my beds but then when DD was a baby I literally fell asleep holiding her more than once, I was so exhausted. So she slept in with me for a while, then got moved, then came back in with me for a while, now does approx 11 solid hours every night in her own bed. Everything with DC is a phase, nothing is fixed and permanent, do what works until it stops working then do something else.

And if you still feel totally rubbish when you're getting some rest please speak to your GP.

CmdrIvanova · 10/01/2019 12:40

You'll be amazed at how well kids can sleep through each others racket, DD sleeps peacefully through DS's loudest shit fits, and yet can hear my key turning in the lock when I'm leaving at 5.45am for an early shift.

Madratlady · 10/01/2019 12:40

You sound exhausted and sleep deprivation can make people short tempered but it also sounds like you’re making the situation much worse. He sounds like he feels very insecure and he needs you to help him feel safe, threatening to send him away or for his dad to leave him is going to male that so much worse. Have him in bed with you, or dh sleep with him. Does he have a night light or is he in the dark? Try some calm instrumental music or an audio book so he’s listening to that not listening for ‘noises’?

bookwormnerd · 10/01/2019 12:41

If you search on YouTube there is a lady called elaine Martin. She does sleep hypnosis stories for children. They are brilliant at getting children to relax, my children love the story bonnie. I also talk to my eldest after school to basically tell me any worries and anything on mind. Elaine Martin has some stories which are related to anxiety and worries especially for children. My children can fall asleep very quickly with this. My youngest sleeps through everything where oldest wakes up at anything. I find the stories help her sleep more deeply

oh4forkssake · 10/01/2019 12:42

Honestly, OP, for the longevity of your marriage - DH in his bed and him in yours mightn't be a bad idea!! This too will pass.

DD2 does occasionally say sleepily "I'm alright now Mummy, you can go back to bed." which usually happens on warmer nights if she's getting too hot with me in there :-) If DH is away, and she comes in my bed, I've known her to toddle off back to her own room and wake up to find she's not there.

This will pass - which is SO hard to see through sleep deprivation!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 10/01/2019 12:42

Just put him back into bed.

My DD is 5 and has been through a phase like this and I just say 'it's bed time now' I take her back to bed.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 10/01/2019 12:42

I know I need to lose this stupid idea that letting him sleep with me or dh is us failing.

It wouldn’t work with dh sleeping with him as when he gets up at 4am that would just wake him and when ds gets up from 4am onwards there is no chance of him going back sleep.

OP posts:
Stopwoofing · 10/01/2019 12:43

Ahardmanisgoodtofind we had that moon and stars projector - my DD loved that.

Remember on the music that you have to keep giving the coping mechanism, i've found very few magic bullets, it's better to think of it as conditioning, you build the association of music = time to be calm and fall asleep over several nights.

I totally sympathize, some people withstand sleep deprivation better than others, I am no good with it, DH and I were both up at 4 and murderously grumpy this morning.

daisypond · 10/01/2019 12:44

Is there a reason why he's in a double bed? The bigness of a big bed might be too much for child to feel secure. Can you get him a single bed? The sleep tent thing looks great.

Auntiepatricia · 10/01/2019 12:44

Try story cd’s. Something to relax and listen to, a bit of company and distraction. You can give a quick cuddle and switch it on. If he’s up screaming and ranting anyway he’s getting no less sleep using this for a while.

oh4forkssake · 10/01/2019 12:45

@BettyBoo246 that is NOT a stupid idea. At all. It's perfectly natural as it's what we're conditioned to think. But it's not necessarily the right one for your and your DS right now.

@Thesnobbymiddleclassone that's fine in theory. And works a dream with DD1. Not with DD2. She gets horrible restless legs and gets very very distressed. It can't be a one size fits all approach.

Cheby · 10/01/2019 12:45

Seriously OP, don’t bothe trying sleep tents or any other gimmicks at this point. They might have worked previously but I think you’ve gone way past that point now, for all of you.

When you collect him from school, tell him you love him, you’re sorry for shouting at night time and that from now on, for as long as he needs to, he can share with you. That he will go back to his own room, but only when he’s ready. Do bedtime stories together in bed while you feed the baby, you in your PJs too. Then the second both kids are settled, you go to sleep too. Today, nothing else is as important as getting you all some sleep.