re school exclusion

[mummy207]

I posted a while back about my DS being inappropriate at school, he asked a teacher to add him on snapchat and was isolated for it. The reactions on here were split between whether this was an overreaction by the school or acceptable. I accepted it and sanctioned him at home and fully supported the school after reading all of your helpful responses. Lots of teachers responded.

Unfortunately today there has been a follow up and I have been told my son needs to be excluded tomorrow and stay at home. I totally agree he is being absolutely unacceptable , he apparently lifted his top up and asked the teacher whether she liked his abs. I know it's fucking insane, don't get me started.

They have said because this is his second "Sexually inappropriate offense" (question whether the snapchat thing was sexually inappropriate!!) , he needs an external exclusion which will go on his record. Although I agree he is in the wrong, this again to me seems really ridiculous. What is making him sit at home all day going to achieve? He will be on xbox! Also some of his peers have had several fights, bullying, etc and not been excluded. Exclusions are really rare. I am absolutely devastated. Is there anything I can do about this? It says on the paperwork I can challenge the exclusion?

No he isn't over invested, his friend has MH problems as does my son, she supports him when he is feeling down by going for coffee & something to eat or going for a walk together, he supports her by doing the same or buying her chocolate at PMT time as her MH suffers at this time. They both look out for each other, my son had an awful flu like cold a few weeks ago, she brought honey & lemon, cough sweets & essential oils when she visited him, what is wrong with friends supporting each other? I would rather my son be like he is than making crude jokes about periods like some other boys do.

Hello

For people asking about my daughters and me not mentioning them and what they think, it isn't really relevant as they are MUCH younger than him, they are primary aged. I have not told them about the incident. He also has an older brother who is 16 nearly 17, who is of little to no use in this scenario. This is why I haven't mentioned my other kids. We had the boys when very young, yes their parenting may not have always been as good as I'm sure yours has been.

I also have not run away, but work busy hours and have received a lot of criticism on here, so forgive me for not wanting to reply to everything.

I had to go in this morning for a re integration meeting which went well. I did not mention the nude pictures in this meeting as it didn't feel appropriate. However I have asked for a meeting with the head of year next week where I intend to discuss my concerns. I also discussed wth DS at length about the pictures, whre they came from etc. He said one of the girls is all over him and sent it him without him even asking, out of the blue and asked him to link up but he's said no. He said the other girl he was "seeing" (news to me!) and they sent stuff to each other. I have explained all of what you have all said about it being illegal and the police getting involved. However I am sorry but have no intention of reporting my son to the police.

DS also said he spoke to the teacher today after the lesson and apologised for everything.He said she was actually really nice about it. He asked her if she wanted him to move class and apparently she said no not at all I just need this to stop and you need to focus on getting your GCSE!

So hopefully end of that. Time will tell. Thank you for the nice replies and constructive advice i have had.

Here’s hoping one of the girl’s parents does report him. And “all over him”. Bet she would tell a different story.

Good luck with it all OP. Hopefully it has given your son a bit of a shake and reminded you to perhaps stay on to of such issues a little tighter than before. Everyone is just trying to do their best and no one is perfect.

Are you going to inform the Head teacher about the Nudes? It is highly important that you. Regardless of the circumstances in which they were sent, the headteacher must be informed. It does not matter if one of the girl fancies your son or the other is his gf (if we take what he says at face value ). The headteacher must be informed.

Nobody is suggesting that you involve your daughters!

What we are suggesting is for you to imagine that these were your daughter's nude photos saved on a male classmate's phone and how you would feel then and how you would like that to be handled.

Glad you are meeting the school next week but I hope you will do more than 'intend' to discuss the photo's, you have to make the school aware.

I did not mention the nude pictures in this meeting as it didn't feel appropriate.

Still not getting it are you.

He said one of the girls is all over him and sent it him without him even asking, out of the blue and asked him to link up but he's said no.

Love to hear her side.

mummy are you at the wind-up? No-one asked about what your DDs think. The problem is what you think -- if "everyone" is really passing round nude pictures of underage girls from school, then why aren't you worried about your DDs? If that's so normal then do you not worry that in a few years their pictures will be out there too, passed around with or without their consent? Or do you think your DDs will have some kind of magic immunity?

I also discussed with DS at length about the pictures, where they came from etc. He said one of the girls is all over him and sent it him without him even asking, out of the blue and asked him to link up but he's said no. He said the other girl he was "seeing" (news to me!) and they sent stuff to each other

He's very good at telling you what you want to hear. And you are very good at not challenging his version. You have a hard road ahead.

I have asked for a meeting with the head of year next week where I intend to discuss my concerns.

I wonder if talking about the nude pictures will "feel appropriate" on the day. Especially since the head of year might question why you said nothing earlier.

So hopefully end of that.

You reckon?

she said no not at all I just need this to stop and you need to focus on getting your GCSE!

That's very nice of her but the school don't have a complete picture of what's been going on with your DS, do they? They think it's all over. You know it isn't.

Good luck. Well, rather than leaving it to luck, you and your DH need to raise your parenting game. I wouldn't be fannying about hoping your DH can get some work in London. I'd expect him to seek work actively near home, including work he doesn't usually take and work that pays less than usual. The two of you have about three years to turn this round, and that's not long.

Well unless there's serious sanctions at home (which have not been mentioned) and continuing discussion/education on how women and girls SHOULD be viewed & treated I predict a permanent exclusion in his near future.

Seconding the pp who said "still not getting it"

I have a very unpleasant feeling that op isn’t going to mention the pictures at all. I think she’s worried about it being brought out into the open with the possibility of police involvement.
Op, please please don’t try to deal with this yourself. I’m afraid it’s already gone too far and will undoubtably get a lot worse if you don’t handle it properly now. Your son really needs to understand the severity of what’s been going on.

What's your older one's attitude to women?

He said one of the girls is all over himand sent it him without him even asking, out of the blue and asked him to link up but he's said no.
Obviously because he's some chic magnet with sexy abs. The girls must be throwing themselves at him. That way he can pick and choose who he is "seeing".

One has to ask (assuming it was genuinely random nude sent to him out of the blue with nothing before to lead to it which is highly unlikely but he knows mummy will defend him and understand why all the girls are desperate for a piece of her gym boy son ) what sort of reputation he has if girls in his year think the way for him to notice them is to send an indecent image of themselves.

After all to have girls sending sexual images to him without any encoruagement is the sign of a boy who has a reputation for paying women and girls attention based on sex and sexual messages. It's a bit if a grim and creepy reputation.

So if he's "seeing" one of these girls have you asked for her parents' contact details so that they can be made aware that their daughter is sending nude pictures of herself to your son?

"After all to have girls sending sexual images to him without any encoruagement is the sign of a boy who has a reputation for paying women and girls attention based on sex and sexual messages. It's a bit if a grim and creepy reputation."

Or alternatively Maisy, it's a sign of a girl with poor self esteem, who has been treated as an object by males and thinks nude selfies are proof of her value. She's grown up in a world where women are routinely sexualised, so it is no surprise she sees nude selfies as the expectation.

OP I believe you sons' explanation for the pictures. It sounds plausible. Also well done on apologising to his teacher. She sounds like she has handled the situation with such class.

Now though, you'll need to be having the sex talk with your son as, if the girl he's seeing is sending nude selfies, they're probably either having sex or likely to have sex in the not so distant future.

For the record, i think his behaviour is poor and is sexual harassment. But if he is trying to fix what he has done, then you need to let that happen.

Or alternatively Maisy, it's a sign of a girl with poor self esteem, who has been treated as an object by males and thinks nude selfies are proof of her value. She's grown up in a world where women are routinely sexualised, so it is no surprise she sees nude selfies as the expectation.
I agree with the vulnerable bit.

But they won't be sending them to most boys in the year.

In my experience when vulnerable girls send such images to boys it's the boys with a reputation for being up for that sort of thing.

The fact OP's son has multiple nudes on his phone and admits to sending and receiving images from a girl he is "seeing" confirms he is the sort of boy who is known for giving attention and sharing and being involved in sexual images.

Nothing in these posts about his behaviour is a one off.

Someone in a relationship sending or receiving a sexual image can be explained as teenage naivety (however illegal) and would probably be handled pastorally. Someone routinely sending and receiving sexual images of peers and explains it away because 'well all the girls want me they're just throwing themselves at me and anyway everyone does it' is not normal behaviour from a teenage boy. It's someone who sees themselves as gods gift to women and girls know that if they want his attention then pics are the way to go.

In your scenario then K1233 presumably the OPs son - being the enlightened chap he is - should have deleted the nude himself and spoken to the girl to say he doesn't want to receive such photos and that she shouldn't send such photos to anyone as she has no power of their future distribution and exposure.... But no, he kept the nude, presumably had no such chat with the girl....

Good luck with all your interventions op and I hope the head of year handles the situation effectively when you meet up next week x

No offence but it’s nice to see that the school has taken a strong stance regarding his inappropriate behaviour - if he continues the punishment will only get harsher! It’s good that they’re not brushing this under the carpet.

Sorry but as a 22 year old, his behaviour is vile. Yes teens date/have sex/send nudes etc - to each other NOT people outside their age group. His behaviour towards the teacher is sleazy and nasty - yes pupils might say ‘X teacher is fit’ to their mates, but even the ‘lads’ at my school wouldn’t have lifted their clothes and ‘flashed abs’ at a teacher. That’s just overstepping all boundaries, did he really expect her to enjoy that or act pleased? His teacher could get fired and barred from her profession if she added him on social media, let alone anything else; these incidents aren’t even occurring off of her own accord but she would still be accountable for the twat’s actions.

Sorry but if he’s starting to enjoy his appearance and wants to start dating/sex then he needs to find someone his own age and not be persistent/pushy/forceful to others in the process.

I'm a bit shocked at how the
Op was treated on this. Absolutely her ds behaved very poorly and should absolutely have deleted the photo the girl sent him but I can see his actions being that of a silly immature teenager not automatically a pervert. He has apologized to the teacher and had an a exclusion, I don't believe it's time to throw away the key just yet.

Oh dear.
“The actions of a silly immature teenager”
Can you not see that this is incredibly worrying and wrong on so many levels?
Op has continually minimised the severity of the situation and even now wants it all to go away with a cuddle and a “there there son”

I'm absolutely not minimizing his behavior, he was excluded and sanctioned and rightly so but the tone of the more recent texts was just short of calling him a sexual deviant. He's 15 years old.

I'm a bit shocked at how the Op was treated on this. Absolutely her ds behaved very poorly and should absolutely have deleted the photo the girl sent him but I can see his actions being that of a silly immature teenager not automatically a pervert. He has apologized to the teacher and had an a exclusion, I don't believe it's time to throw away the key just yet.

I agree. I think some posters on this thread have been particularly nasty to the OP. Yes, she's downplayed her DS's behaviour, but get real, folks, what mum is going to agree that her DS is on the way to becoming a sexual deviant, of course she's going to defend him online! It doesn't mean that she won't sanction him in RL.

Agreed Amaried

I have to disagree with “what mum is going to agree that her son is on the way to becoming a sexual deviant “
I love my dc and would take a bullet for them if needed BUT I would not ignore such alarms.
Why does anyone think that a 15yo who has nude pics of classmates on his phone and intimidates a teacher in this way is just being “silly and immature “?
I know several teens, including my own, who are absolutely horrified at the thought of dick pics and the like.
It’s NOT NORMAL!
Guess what? Not all teens are drinking,smoking,doing drugs, in gangs, knifing people or sending and receiving pictures of genitals and tits.
The ones that are, and the parents that think this is “just what teenagers do” need a bloody good kick up the arse.
It’s the bloody complacency that is so fucking depressing

It doesn't mean that she won't sanction him in RL.

Eh? She originally thought a days exclusion meant playing in the Xbox all day - so some twisted logic there