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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re school exclusion

516 replies

mummy207 · 09/01/2019 20:31

I posted a while back about my DS being inappropriate at school, he asked a teacher to add him on snapchat and was isolated for it. The reactions on here were split between whether this was an overreaction by the school or acceptable. I accepted it and sanctioned him at home and fully supported the school after reading all of your helpful responses. Lots of teachers responded.

Unfortunately today there has been a follow up and I have been told my son needs to be excluded tomorrow and stay at home. I totally agree he is being absolutely unacceptable , he apparently lifted his top up and asked the teacher whether she liked his abs. I know it's fucking insane, don't get me started.

They have said because this is his second "Sexually inappropriate offense" (question whether the snapchat thing was sexually inappropriate!!) , he needs an external exclusion which will go on his record. Although I agree he is in the wrong, this again to me seems really ridiculous. What is making him sit at home all day going to achieve? He will be on xbox! Also some of his peers have had several fights, bullying, etc and not been excluded. Exclusions are really rare. I am absolutely devastated. Is there anything I can do about this? It says on the paperwork I can challenge the exclusion?

OP posts:
WofflingOn · 09/01/2019 20:46

What has he learnt from last time? That you will minimise and try to explain away his behaviour, and that you think school over reacted.
So now he’s flashing bits of his anatomy like a cheeky toddler. No sense of having understood why his choices got him into trouble last time, and now he’s escalating his stupid behaviour.
What an interesting adult he will make. What do you think he’ll be doing at 18?

titchy · 09/01/2019 20:47

If you/school don't nip this in the bud now your ds is going to be someone that thinks yelling 'Nice jugs' to a complete stranger is just harmless banter....

sproutlove · 09/01/2019 20:47

The snapchat thing in isolation appears overkill - but the snapchat thing alongside bearing his chest to a teacher seems to be flagging up a pattern of inappropriate behaviour. Presumably these are female teachers he is behaving this way towards?

crazyoldfish · 09/01/2019 20:49

I would think this is an exclusion, I do get that he just totally misjudged it, but part of growing up is realising that other people may interpret how you act differently and you need to be careful. He obviously upset the teacher, even if unintentionally. However, I came on to the thread really to say please do not panic about an exclusion. Is he year 10 or 11? If it is a one off it is very very unlikely to have any serious impact on his future particularly not if he is still in year 10. Even sixth forms recognise that kids make mistakes. However, emphasise to him that an isolated exclusion is one thing, a string of them a very different thing so he needs to rein it right in right now.

Original poster
mummy207 · 09/01/2019 20:49

Sorry I really don't want to sound like I condone his behaviour, I am just really annoyed at both things I guess, and disappointed my son has an exclusion. I know it's his fault. I guess he deserves it, I just thought exclusions were REALLY rare. I don't really know what would be an appropriate punishment though since he has been inappropriate with this teacher before. yes it's the same teacher for those asking, he clearly fancies her or god knows what! I wonder whether I could get him moved out of her class? Any suggestions what I can do with him? I've shoved him in his room since he got home, I didn't want to speak to him or look at him while I was so furious!
You're right though, I will take his x box and phone to work tomorrow. Good plan.

I guess I just thought I could take him in tomorrow and speak to the headteacher and try and think of another way forward!

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 09/01/2019 20:50

OP, this is exactly what exclusions are for - when students don't appear to have learnt from what happened due to previous behaviour, and continue to behave unacceptably or inappropriately.
Exclusions are very serious, and you need to impress that on your son - but at the same time they are not irredeemable if he learns to behave differently in future.
I agree with others that you definitely need to take his xbox away. If you need to go to work, take his phone and the WiFi router with you so he can not access anything 'fun' - but make sure he has work to do first.

cowfacemonkey · 09/01/2019 20:50

He’s not being excluded for being a stupid boy he’s being excluded for sexual harassment. You’re son is intentionally harassing women. How can you not see how worrying this is.

titchy · 09/01/2019 20:50

He doesn't fancy her OP - he's being very subtly threatening to her...

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/01/2019 20:51

Take the xbox away.

Prehaps exclusion will stop him being an idiot. You need to back the school on this. His behaviour is completely inappropriate.

MissMarplesKnitting · 09/01/2019 20:51

No, you can't just take him in and talk to the HT. That makes you "that parent".

Imagine that teacher was your daughter. How would you feel?

mineofuselessinformation · 09/01/2019 20:52

X-posted with you.
Maybe you could get through to him by getting him to think how he would feel if someone did this to you / his sister / his Aunty? It might make it a bit more real for him.

Fiveletters · 09/01/2019 20:53

Single day exclusions arent “rare” at the school I teach at. And this second incident would certainly warrant one after the snapchat comment.

I think he’s trying to make this teacher feel uncomfortable or he’s trying to impress her because he fancies her. The poor woman is just trying to do her job. One wrong comment about your son’s “abs” and she could be in all sorts of trouble. I agree that you should be taking it more seriously.

flowerpott · 09/01/2019 20:53

Exclusions are really rare. Unfortunately, your son has earned one by being sexually inappropriate towards his teacher. Stop justifying his behaviour and start working with him to improve it.

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 20:53

Last time you minimised his behaviour.
I remember the thread.
And now he’s been even more fucking out of order.
No wonder he’s excluded.

WofflingOn · 09/01/2019 20:53

Being a cock is one thing. Repeatedly choosing to be a cock, learning nothing from other people’s disapproval and efforts to educate him on how not to be a cock is another. Exclusions can impact on his future choices, what’s he planning on doing when he leaves school?
Or is he still at the ‘Gamer/Youtubestar/Footballer’ stage of fantasy?

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/01/2019 20:53

I guess I just thought I could take him in tomorrow and speak to the headteacher and try and think of another way forward!

No you can't. Your DS is being sexually suggestive towards a teacher, to gain attention. You need to deal with hia behaviour not try and find a way to get him outbof punishment.

ShalomJackie · 09/01/2019 20:54

Tell him he need to stop sexually harassing the teacher. He needs to realise this is what his behavior amounts to.

Make him do revision or likewise while he is off or updating his notes.

Turn off wifi. Remove x box controllers.

Madders45 · 09/01/2019 20:56

If your son didn’t get excluded, then it would send a message to every other boy at that school that they can sexually harass and humiliate female teachers without any real consequences.

Exclusions might be really rare, but what your son has done is without a doubt serious enough to deserve it.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 09/01/2019 20:56

I would ask to see his behaviour log and see what else is going on, and if other situations have escalated to an external exclusion.

Has he had internal exclusions or sanctions for other behaviour? Low level, persistent disruption or not following instructions for example.

Howhot · 09/01/2019 20:57

It's the same teacher? The school need to come down really hard on him, as they are. His behaviour is awful.

Original poster
mummy207 · 09/01/2019 20:57

For PP asking we pay his gym membership, he has had it a while as we thought it was a good thing for him to be doing, recently he has got more into it, I don't really want to take it away as important for kids to exercise!

He is in Year 11.

I really do not feel i am "minimising" his actions if you actually read the thread

OP posts:
Knittink · 09/01/2019 20:58

Exclusions are not really rare and his is totally deserved. You need to take this seriously. You sound a bit clueless tbh. Why did it take a bunch of people on a forum to make it even occur to you not to let him be on his Xbox all day when he's meant to be being punished fgs? I don't even let my ds be on his PS4 all day if he's off sick!

LosingNemo · 09/01/2019 20:58

Just to show that I think that the punishment is not too punitive or unusual - your would be excluded for this in the school I’m in.
You have said that he clearly fancies her, that he’s made inappropriate comments before and is 15 (therefore I’m presuming, he isn’t small). I would find this inappropriate and intimidating and would expect an exclusion as a sanction.
An exclusion wouldn’t affect your DS’s future but may it teach him a lesson about consent that will serve him well in the future.

Greensleeves · 09/01/2019 20:58

Thing is, being sexually inappropriate to a teacher in the way that he has - it sounds like he is leering and basically humiliating her - IS equivalent to making a racist comment. It's appallingly disrespectful. I would be beyond furious and ashamed if one of mine had done this (they're 14 and 16) and there would be no xbox in his immediate future, and no trips to the gym either. You need to stop complaining that it's not fair, back the school and this teacher to the hilt and get a handle on your son's attitude now, before he turns into the kind of sexist intimidating pig no woman wants to be around.

And I'm very often critical of school behaviour policies!

Hippywannabe · 09/01/2019 20:58

No, don't take him in! This is a 'I am your mother and will stand by you but I support the reasonable action of the school' moment. I would imagine the teacher is in real stress tonight. He has harrassed her, disrespected her authority and flouted socially acceptable norms. She has to deal with that whilst maintaining control of a class of 30 teenagers.
He needs to understand that he has done a really bad thing. Never mind you asking for him to be moved, you will be very lucky if she agrees to have him back in her class again.