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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re school exclusion

516 replies

mummy207 · 09/01/2019 20:31

I posted a while back about my DS being inappropriate at school, he asked a teacher to add him on snapchat and was isolated for it. The reactions on here were split between whether this was an overreaction by the school or acceptable. I accepted it and sanctioned him at home and fully supported the school after reading all of your helpful responses. Lots of teachers responded.

Unfortunately today there has been a follow up and I have been told my son needs to be excluded tomorrow and stay at home. I totally agree he is being absolutely unacceptable , he apparently lifted his top up and asked the teacher whether she liked his abs. I know it's fucking insane, don't get me started.

They have said because this is his second "Sexually inappropriate offense" (question whether the snapchat thing was sexually inappropriate!!) , he needs an external exclusion which will go on his record. Although I agree he is in the wrong, this again to me seems really ridiculous. What is making him sit at home all day going to achieve? He will be on xbox! Also some of his peers have had several fights, bullying, etc and not been excluded. Exclusions are really rare. I am absolutely devastated. Is there anything I can do about this? It says on the paperwork I can challenge the exclusion?

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 10/01/2019 23:43

FamilyOfAliens
Lounging around in pants with his mates and his mum, casually sending pics of himself on social media showing their gym bod #abs, openly oggling the latest round of nudes doing the rounds on Snapchat, joking and how totes hilar it was when he told miss Jones to add him on Snapchat, meanwhile his mate boosts his ego by saying 'she was totally checking your abs out bro', then they can decide how they'd show all these girls and women a good time... until home time and then leave the house in pants because who has time for trousers.
Grin

MaisyPops · 10/01/2019 23:43

Brilliant Greensleeves
And I agree.

Lovingbenidorm · 10/01/2019 23:44

Also, how dare you say that those of us who have teens are either deluded, in a minority or “blissfully unaware”
It will probably come as a big surprise to you but it really isn’t a minority of young people who don’t think it’s normal to post pictures of their genitalia, press others to do so and harass teachers.
Guess what?
SOME teenagers are working hard to study for their exams so they can achieve their dreams and forge happy lives for themselves and their families.
There, sadly, will always be the dregs.
While there’s nothing remotely wrong in walking around in your pants, there is a time and a place, and your attitude is bewildering

FamilyOfAliens · 10/01/2019 23:45

Trousers, the truth - who needs them?

Nursepolly · 10/01/2019 23:46

Maisy
I know you are a highly educated and experienced lady, and you do like to think you know more than others. And most of the time you probably do.

However it is not about me ‘minimising actions in this thread’ it’s more about how facts here are misinterpreted, embellished and misconstrued.

Why throw words around like mysogynistic, harass, objectify and intimidate? These are strong words with depth and implication and not appropriate for facts which have been outlined in posts.

I think maybe your strong views (and words) are based on personal experience

MaisyPops · 10/01/2019 23:47

SOME teenagers are working hard to study for their exams so they can achieve their dreams and forge happy lives for themselves and their families.
Correction, MOST teenagers.

Teenagers are a pleasure to work with. They drive me to distraction some days (hello teaching and hormones and the up a and downs) but they are, on the whole, incredible people to work with.

But Yes, I do agree with you.

Nursepolly · 10/01/2019 23:48

Loving - you really shouldn’t take things personally this is the internet

I’ll forgive you for referring to my family as the ‘dregs’

Lovingbenidorm · 10/01/2019 23:50

Ok Nurse here it is in simple words with no flowers
Abs
Show
Teacher
Phone
Nude
Children
Exclusion
Punishment

mickeymacca · 10/01/2019 23:50

Not sure if it’s been mentioned but if you’re the adult paying the contract for your teenagers phone and there are under age pics on there it’s you who could be prosecuted not your child. It scares me what teenagers can access on their phones and how few parents monitor the usage.. slightly off topic but relevant...

FamilyOfAliens · 10/01/2019 23:51

Loving - you really shouldn’t take things personally this is the internet

Says the person who posted:

I think maybe your strong views (and words) are based on personal experience

MaisyPops · 10/01/2019 23:51

I think maybe your strong views (and words) are based on personal experience
Absolutely.

Experience of working with students and parents who minimise inappropriately suggestive and sexual behaviour from students.

Experience of seeing colleagues feel unable to work with students who have repeatedly made unwanted advabces to them.

Experience of seeing teenagers crushed because what they thought was a private image was being shared and commented on.

Experience of students feeling pressure to engaging in peer to peer sexual images of children.

How awful of me to think thay harassing teachers repeatedly and having nude photos of children is wrong. I must go and find my woke pills so next time a pastoral situation occurs I can ignore the victims and hug the perpetrator. Hmm

Nursepolly · 10/01/2019 23:52

Loving - you proved my point by completely over reacting and adding your hysterical opinion to a situation which didn’t warrant that reaction

Lovingbenidorm · 10/01/2019 23:52

I certainly did not refer to your family as “dregs”
And indeed am not taking anything personally
And I definitely do not require your forgiveness

Lovingbenidorm · 10/01/2019 23:54

So do tell me Nurse what would your reaction be as a mother in this situation?

goldengummybear · 10/01/2019 23:55

Keeping nudes of classmates and targeting the young female teacher is misogynistic. Would he have lifted his shirt shown his abs to his male pe teacher or female teacher the same age as his mum?

I can imagine why the young female teacher feels intimidated. A boy who's probably bigger than her is hitting on her which is a sackable/police matter of it were ever suggested that she encouraged it. Neither the teacher nor the rest of the class should have to see his bare abs, however chiseled they may be.

myrtleWilson · 10/01/2019 23:59

This would be Nursepolly - the cool mom

goo.gl/images/2ESLe2

Nursepolly · 10/01/2019 23:59

Loving - you’re just being goady because my opinion is different to yours. I won’t share how I would react because there are some really wound up posters here tonight.

I can confirm I certainly wouldn’t be thinking my child would be some of the adjectives which have been thrown around here tonight.

goldengummybear · 10/01/2019 23:59

My son is a typical teenager who likes to lol around in his pants - that’s why he didn’t have trousers on

No way is that normal. Topless - yes but most boys outgrow the wearing just pants age by around age 8.

MaisyPops · 11/01/2019 00:00

You don't understand golden, all of that is totally normal you see.
It's us who are wrong and misguided and should open our eyes to see that this is all normal teen behaviour.
Grin

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/01/2019 00:06

There some serious over reactions on this thread - I suspect by many parents who possibly don’t have teenagers.

Wrong. Try again.

So he got in the car in his pants.

Yeah right Hmm

sometimes some perspective is needed and remember you only get snippets of information here- the rest is in your imagination.

The facts are he behaved inappropriately towards a teacher for the second time in a couple of months. He has been correctly excluded for it. He seems to have nude pictures of underage girls on his phone.

His DM and DM seem to think it is no big deal

Lovingbenidorm · 11/01/2019 00:08

I fail to see how a simple question can be regarded as ‘goady’
You appear to be somewhat missing the point here.
I honestly don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask you how you would feel if you discovered nude pictures of your your sons classmates on his phone.
Surely, that’s one of the main points of this post.
Please don’t take it personally, it’s the net

PBobs · 11/01/2019 00:08

I'm a teacher in a school where the sending and receiving of nude photos is taken VERY seriously. As are all the other apparently mundane and insignificant events people are describing on here. For those of you who think flashing abs to a teacher to gain his/her approval or walking around in your underwear is "normal", the only reason you think it's normal is because people like you have tried to downplay it and normalise it. None of this behaviour is normal or OK. I've worked with teenagers from across all social, racial and religious backgrounds. From all over the world. I've worked in high needs behavioural units and "posh" private schools. I have seen this type of behaviour in all contexts but there is not a single context where anyone I work with thinks it is OK.

The internet has made life for teenagers incredibly difficult because boundaries are blurred and it's so easy to be faceless and nameless. Or even to not really truly appreciate that the photos you are looking at are of real people doing real things to themselves or eachother. Because of that some young people have trouble recognising that replicating many of the actions that they see online is not appropriate. It's the job of adults (family, friends, teachers, etc) to ensure that boundaries do still exist and young people know how those boundaries apply to their lives. Regardless of what seems OK online.

As for the case of the OP - I know that in the past a couple of teenage boys have had a soft spot for me. I found it strange since I'm over twice their age but I suspect it was more to do with having a caring adult in their life (not saying that you are uncaring - this is just my take on my situation). Their friends found it hilarious. The boys themselves all managed to keep their clothes on and just be nice and extra polite to me. I don't see that fancying someone means flashing abs is any less abusive or threatening.

To others if your child is receiving unsolicited dick pics or nude photos (of girls or boys) then you need to report it to the school. This is actually classed as child pornography and if the school is worth their salt they should deal with it. Not necessarily with police intervention but with strict consequences and conversations with parents and students. If it persists then yes, I personally would want to be in a school where police are involved - if only as a caution.

I think people are naive to think that the world isn't changing how people view sexuality and privacy due to media and modern communication methods. Suggesting that young people who think it's OK to spam eachother with naked photos (and this applies to girls and boys alike) are just engaging in harmless fun because others are doing it is unbelievably short sighted. We need to be talking to our young people about these issues. Looking through their media and discussing what is and is not OK is important. I'll get off my soap box now.

rededucator · 11/01/2019 00:08

If he is being that sexually inappropriate to a female person of authority in public I'd hate to imagine his potential for how he behaves towards girls his own age in private. You have a SERIOUS issue on your hand regarding the lack of respect your son shows towards females. Yet, you seem to want to challenge the school? Please open your eyes to the true picture here OP.

Nursepolly · 11/01/2019 00:13

Please define ‘normal’

Lovingbenidorm · 11/01/2019 00:14

PBobs nicely put