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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed we were still expected to pay?

233 replies

Mumosa · 09/01/2019 19:14

Hi all some advice would be appreciated as i’m unsure if i’m right in feeling this way. So the situation goes, a friend of mine was having a party and wanted to hire a hot tub for it. There was only 3 couples attending this small party and we all agreed to split the cost. However the day of the party my husband got severe food poisoning and ended up in hospital so obviously we couldn’t attend. Our friends continued with the party and enjoyed the hot tub. However the day after they asked for our part of the money. I was surprised but paid up as didn’t want to get into a debate. The thing is at the time I was off on maternity leave and financially we weren’t doing great. The other 2 couples have no kids, full time jobs and living very comfortably. I just felt it was a bit shitty of them to ask for the money after everything that happened? What do you think? Cheers

OP posts:
Getmeoutoflondon · 10/01/2019 19:19

I wouldn’t have asked you for the money straight away but definitely would have expected you to cough up. I’m not sure why you believe you don’t have to pay?

2cats2many · 10/01/2019 19:21

Hot tub party?

Confused Shock

Hector2000 · 10/01/2019 19:22

No I’m sorry, whilst I completely understand your disappointment, you should expect to pay and shouldn’t have waited for them to chase you up on it. It’s irrelevant that they have more money and no children, frankly. I have been in the position of volunteering to organise something and someone not paying. It’s bad luck on you that you couldn’t use the hot tub, but why should they find you?

Hector2000 · 10/01/2019 19:23

“Find” not “find” - sorry!

AtomicSquirrel · 10/01/2019 19:29

You've said yourself that financially you weren't doing great. Why agree to the hot tub in the first place?

mikado1 · 10/01/2019 19:42

I would offer to pay, yes, the joint split was obviously the clincher to get the tub. However, as a pp said, if I was them I wouldn't have asked, iyswim, though I don't know the cost involved. Years ago my DF was in ICU following a sudden illness and we had to pull out if a trip away with a group, one of whom we were to share an apartment with. To my shame we didn't pay the full half cost, I can't even justify it really, we were out of pocket of course, and v stressed etc but I really regret it and later gave a large sum for his wedding, that we were unable to attend.

nicoala1 · 10/01/2019 19:45

I'd rather pull my eyeballs out with a tweezer than share a hot tub with two other couples, or should I say my OH would just laugh and say not a chance!

But that is not the point, pay up love.

AmIIntrouble · 10/01/2019 19:56

Try putting yourself into their situation, one of the couple can't make it the last minute, you are expecting to pay extra to cover the unattended couple?

Sickoffamilydrama · 10/01/2019 20:15

Another vote for you should have offered, you have no idea of their financial situations. People think I'm rich because my father is what they don't know is he doesn't give me any money and my hubby & I live on average wages in the expensive south. The other couples mortgage could be twice yours.

Think carefully do you have form for leaving your friends with the bill?

It actually sounds like your friends have good boundaries my mum has form for letting others book and pay for group things then not coughing up. It's actually left me short and worried about bills for my family and kids. I've started to learn better boundaries and with anyone that owes me money I ask, I'm damed if I'll put myself under stress because someone else is flakey.

It was obviously important enough to them for them to chase you about the money as a friend can you not understand they may have a different perspective to you?

nicoala1 · 10/01/2019 20:17

Sorry, but the hot tub thing has me laughing. A party in a hot tub? OK....

I am sure it is a wonderful experience to share yourselves with two other couples in a large roundy warm bath. But it does sound a bit..... ooh Matron to me. But each to their own. What the heck is wrong with beer and prosecco and a bit of nice grub and a laugh fully clothed?

PAY UP and move on.

whassupmissus · 10/01/2019 20:44

I absolutely would have paid my share without question YABU op

MoaningSickness · 10/01/2019 20:48

I also don’t see why your DH was “furious” at the photo. I would be happy my friends were having fun and still thinking of me and wishing me well.

I must admit I too was surprised by the people who thought the pic was a bad thing. If I couldn't attend an event at the last minute and received a pic like this, I'd think how nice it was that even in the middle of their party they were thinking of me and missing me.

But then, I like my friends! Them having fun is a good thing to me.

I would never stick my friends with a bill because I couldn't attend an event. I wouldn't compare my husband being sick one night to a death ether. Both are pretty shitty OP.

seven201 · 10/01/2019 20:57

Of course you pay.

KirstiiieA · 10/01/2019 21:28

Sorry but YABU. You agreed as a group to hire the hot tub knowing that you were sharing the cost 3 ways. It’s unfair to expect them to cover your third because you didn’t turn up. Would you have done the same if one of the other couples couldn’t attend given your financial circumstances?

Also, please never presume people are ‘comfortable’ because they have ‘good jobs, no kids’. You never know what’s going on behind closed doors. If they asked you for it they must need it too.

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2019 21:34

I think it's one thing if a friend has a hot tub and you all have a few drinks and get in. It's a whole other thing to hire one specially for three couples to party in 🤣

YouDancin · 10/01/2019 23:00

@Flanuary

They offered for us to keep they’re half but we gave them the money back

If you’d have offered them the money, they might have done the same

But OP said her DH had been in hospital that night and they messaged first thing the next morning asking for the money. She hadn't had a chance to offer the money!
I mean fucking hell... nice friends there... not at all Could they not have waited at all?

YouDancin · 10/01/2019 23:06

OP I understand why you feel let down especially the timing and also the couple not remembering when you didn't take money off them. I'd feel really sad too.

Just one thing - I presume they weren't the ones hiring the tub or you would have said. So it wasn't them asking really and they probably don't know or it didn't occur to them. It was the hiring couple who asked still asked for your share rather than a group decision. And in the fun the others probably won't have thought of it.

winniestone37 · 10/01/2019 23:10

obviously you should pay.

MsTSwift · 10/01/2019 23:17

We have a lovely proper hot tub and have never invited other couples to use at the same time! Occasionally have all female sessions if friends ask but I would feel weird being in there with my friends husbands. Dh thinks I’m a real prude but he is German and relaxed about these things Grin

manicmij · 10/01/2019 23:45

Of course you should have paid. The hit tub was probably hired on the basis of 6 people attending. Your finances don't come into it, if you couldn't afford the expense then you know what you should have done. If DH hadn't been ill you would have paid.

Sweetieepea · 11/01/2019 00:24

You do come across as rather entitled. You say you weren’t doing great financially, so in reality you are saying you couldn’t really afford the £40. If that was the case why agree to pay in the first place? However you then turn round and say if the other couples hadn’t been able to use it if they had been ill you wouldn’t have dreamed of asking them for their share!! So you couldn’t really afford £40, but would have been happy to pay £120!! That’s actually laughable!!
The thing that really gets me is that you say they could have afforded it, so because YOU think they are better off you think they should be subsiding you!! How do you know what their finances are like?
Due to my husband’s major illnesses and then myself being in a car accident that has meant that I haven’t been able to work for several years my financial situation is not good and doesn’t look like it will improve. However my friends do not know about this (I don’t want their sympathy and subsidising) and I always pay my share, so I suspect they think I have had a payout. Yes I did, to the tune of £4400. So now instead of bringing home over £2000 a month we have had to live on less that a quarter of that. I never commit to anything I can’t afford and in this case I would have said to them, when I called to let them know we weren’t coming, that I would transfer my share over.
I was asked to go to a Christmas party by my previous workmates and after assessing how much it would cost I agreed to go. I offered to send my share in (£35) but one of my friends said she would pay it and I could pay her back on the day. I took unwell and couldn’t go. I suppose if it was you, you would have expected your friend to just say it’s fine and not to worry about you paying and she would be out of pocket?? I sent my daughter, with an envelope with my £35 to one of the other workmates asking her to give it to the friend who had paid mine. I was pretty gutted as we had to do without something so I could afford to go, and then not to get going anyway!!
However if you agree to something you should pay for it, whether you are able to go or not! In future do not commit to something unless you can afford it!!
Can’t believe some posters say you shouldn’t be asked to pay and to ditch friends!! To be honest, if this is your regular form, they should ditch you.
Ps .. love the drip feed of it happening to you and you refusing to take payment!! Might have been a bit more believable if you had introduced this in the OP, instead of when the vast majority of posters have said that YABVU

OutPinked · 11/01/2019 00:41

You were going to pay if he hadn’t got sick so that money was going to go, the maternity leave didn’t bother you then!

Yes you should pay as shit as it is. As a PP pointed out, you wouldn’t be refunded for anything else at such short notice.

SenoritaViva · 11/01/2019 08:11

I don’t think you can claim poverty of maternity leave having agreed to pay it. It’s unfortunate you couldn’t go. I don’t think they were unkind to send you a photo. You can’t send flowers to hospital these days so you would not have been able to send flowers! I think your argument is somewhat contradictory in claiming poverty but not expecting others to pay in same situation/sending flowers etc.

As others have said you have no idea of your friends real financial situation, you chose to become a parent, you sound judgemental/ jealous that your friends have more disposable income because they haven’t.

Sorry you missed the experience though.

catface1 · 11/01/2019 09:15

Here's the thing , if I had thrown a hot tub party party at my house I'd pay for the bloody hot tub myself ! but you, for some reason, all decided to share the cost. So as others have mentioned you did go into it knowing your financial situation.
It looks to me like your mates are actually the tight fisted not very generous kind ( we all know people who earn loads but don't want share ) - asking their friends to pay to come to a party they are having - not exactly bring a bottle is it.

Really people though a hot tub party ...

TiggerSnooze · 11/01/2019 09:21

Well, they were perfectly within their rights to expect you to pay up obviously.

However, personally, had I been them, and given the financial situation, i would have expected you to offer, and then probably said 'don't worry about it'. But if you hadn't offered, I might have been peeved enough to ask you to pay... You should have offered.

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