Aunt has had a heart attack but DP being an arse

[BonnieBright]

...but DP doesn't want me to visit her for too long as we have a small baby and he doesn't want to be away from our son for a week.

We've had a massive row over it. She's my aunt. And it's only a week.

I'm upset. I need to be there for my mum also who is in bits. I'll be visiting next week too, regardless of how he feels about that.

She lives in Cornwall and I'm in Wales so not like I can just pop down for the night.

I know HIBU but I'm in tears and angry and worried about my aunt so needed to vent on mn :( I've never been close to my aunt but I love her and she's been present my whole life. I'm surprised how upset I am over it.

Definitely you should go, it’s a family emergency. DP should really drive down to you at weekends (or take a couple of days leave as well) so you’re not too tired.
I think having the baby there will hopefully distract the kids a little bit. And you being there means there’s another adult that can help with longer term plans.

My arse is this about him missing his baby. He's put out he'll have to fend for himself. You go OP.

I'd actually be furious if DP didn't come with me (obviously if possible to take leave) to bloody help with the practicalities.

For some reason on MN aunts, uncles, grandparents don't seem to count as "real" family. I'm so glad my family aren't like that

Exactly this. It seems that the only thing that counts is "your own little family". God help some of the posters on here if they ever ask their grown up children for help and support.

The OPs mum is probably very competent and can cope with things under normal circumstances, but right now she is in shock, worried and scared. Hence why she needs someone a bit further removed from the situation, not so emotionally attached even, to help her. It's called being human.

OP do go and don't be persuaded by some of the posters on here who think you are unreasonable. You aren't.

I am very close to my auntie. She is the only one left of the generation above me, and not likely to make it till next Christmas. When the inevitable happens I will want to go to her funeral.

I’m really sorry to hear about your Aunt.

GO. Stay, do what you NEED to do. Be there for your Mum and your little cousins. Right now their needs FAR outweighs moany arses selfish bullshit.

I wouldn’t come back Saturday either. All the kids will be home. Your mum needs help. Selfish moany arse should be offering to HELP not be making your life easier. He knows where DS is if he can’t cope without seeing him. Though I rather suspect it’s more that he doesn’t want you away from home because he’ll have to sort his own tea and washing out

Don’t feel guilty, feel angry. Look what you did for his Dad. Look at how he’s treating you. Spot the difference?!

Could you go for three days? Fill up the freezer and do some laundry, practical things that will help her. You'd also be able to talk when she's home, and possibly visit your aunt one day. I'm sure your mum will understand if your DH feels a week is too long. If necessary you could go back for another two or three days at the end of the week, or both you and your DH could visit at the weekend.

Or she could just go and help the family that NEED her help and moany arse could look after himself and visit if he really can’t cope without them 🙄

He is CHOOSING not go, why should OP not support HER family? He was fine with her taking time off work to support HIS family.

Could you go for three days? Fill up the freezer and do some laundry, practical things that will help her. You'd also be able to talk when she's home, and possibly visit your aunt one day. I'm sure your mum will understand if your DH feels a week is too long.

WTF?!! The OP's DH is a grown man who can fend for himself.

Her cousins are young DC who need family support right now. Her aunt is very ill. Her mum needs help

I can't believe what I'm reading, seriously.

It beggars belief that people are putting the feelings of an able bodied adult man who just doesn't fancy being on his own, over the needs of the OP's family, who are in serious, life or death crisis right now.

WTF is wrong with you people?

Ring the hospital social worker, explain the situation and ask for help. Your aunt's recovery will take time and she will need ongoing support.

The Cinnamon Trust may be able to help by fostering the dog in the meantime. If not they should be able to suggest local charities who can.

timetostepup
WTF?!! The OP's DH is a grown man who can fend for himself.

My suggestion is that the OP fills her DM's freezer so that her mum can concentrate on visiting and supporting her aunt. I agree her DH will be able to manage his own light shopping and cooking.

Wishing you luck op

I can't believe how many folks are siding with the husband here.

You're not being at all unreasonable, your mum needs you and your husband needs to get over it and be more supportive.

YANBU
Go and stay as long as you’re needed, ask him to drive down on the Friday so he can help too.

Something to bear in mind for the future.....

Your family is not worth his time off
His own father is not worth his time off

So please, dont rely on him to ever be there for you. Clearly this is not someone who will put himself out for anyone so dont expect him to do it for you, or your child for that matter. The first time you get flu and your kid/s need looking after, he WILL go to work and leave you to it. Better get used to the idea.

I had to support my widowed Dad through a crisis when DD was three months old. As he lives in a different country, DD and I were gone for a month!

DH was completely supportive. He missed us a lot, but he totally understood that I had no option. I also didn't want to be away that long, but Dad really needed me.

Sometimes adult children have to be there for their parents and I think it's immature of your DH not to realise this. Maybe one day he'll need your DS's support...?

Maybe one day he'll need your DS's support...?

And he wont get it because he will have taught his own child that fathers are not worth annual leave.

Go

It beggars belief that people are putting the feelings of an able bodied adult man who just doesn't fancy being on his own, over the needs of the OP's family, who are in serious, life or death crisis right now.

This. OP you're doing the right thing by going to support your family.

As someone going through the middle of a family crisis at the moment (not so bad as the OP), can I just say that all the ‘what about the future, contact X,Y,Z, she’ll be in for ages etc etc comments are really actually not at all helpful and actually add to most peoples anxiety and stress at a difficult time.

Let the OP get there, see her family and them together assess the situation and let the initial shock sink in first. I think this only happened yesterday.

I would go and help your cousins. I know he will miss the baby but this is an emergency and those poor children need people around who care right now. He is being unreasonable in my opinion. And unsupportive. I really hope your Aunt recovers. So sorry for your family.

Jeez....he should be doing everything to support you...including visiting you while you're helping you poor auntie /mum/little cousins...

You're absolutely doing the right thing...

Is your OH this much of a dick usually??

if this isn't a family emergency /crisis, what is?? If its not... At what point would he think that his needs are secondary ??

Tbh I'm unsurprised that when the shoe was on the other foot... That was OK... When it was HIS dad.. But presumably he didn't think his precious routine should be disrupted.... So wifey stepped in....

Some people are utterly self-centred and self-serving... He's telling you who he is..

I hope the news for your auntie improves soon!

I think your other problems with your husband and his selfishness won't go away....

But for the momebt your priorities rightly lie elsewhere...

Op I just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful caring person. I hope things with your aunt are improving and wish her and her children the very best.

Thanks all. I'm on my way.

Glad you decided to go and help out.

I just wanted to say that just because your husband is being selfish, doesn’t mean it doesn’t come from a good place. His love for your baby, and not wanting to be apart from him, will serve you well at other times as you raise your family.

Good luck with it all. I hope your aunt recovers.