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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunt has had a heart attack but DP being an arse

319 replies

BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 12:55

...but DP doesn't want me to visit her for too long as we have a small baby and he doesn't want to be away from our son for a week.

We've had a massive row over it. She's my aunt. And it's only a week.

I'm upset. I need to be there for my mum also who is in bits. I'll be visiting next week too, regardless of how he feels about that.

She lives in Cornwall and I'm in Wales so not like I can just pop down for the night.

I know HIBU but I'm in tears and angry and worried about my aunt so needed to vent on mn :( I've never been close to my aunt but I love her and she's been present my whole life. I'm surprised how upset I am over it.

OP posts:
Nevertellasole · 09/01/2019 16:04

My DH would say of course go. Your family need you and potentially it is longer than two weeks.
You need to go & work it out the best way you can.
It is a mess but the chances are the children will need to go into care unless you and your mum can deal with them between you.

You are going to have to make some tough decisions between you and your mum.

BishopBrennansArse · 09/01/2019 16:09

My mother had a fall and needed complete personal care. DH just told me to go and dealt with absolutely everything at home (kids older so no bf issues etc so they didn't need to be with me).

A real man supports his wife in an emergency. Particularly if she has selflessly helped his family in an emergency.

What a selfish, selfish arse.

notacooldad · 09/01/2019 16:16

ItsQuietTime
Initially it sounded like you were being a bit unreasonable but your later posts indicate you're going to be taking care of your Aunt's children
I didn't think the OP was being unreasonable in her opening post at all. I do think when their is a family crisis most people would head home to support anyway they can. This is how it works in our hugely extended family anyway, everyone pulls together even if someone hasn't seen someone else in a light year or something.

Some of the early responses were odd. It's not like she was jetting off to the otherside of the world to have a bit of fun and giving him a 5 minute warning. I know in our situation DP would either take time off work or support in any way they could.

Kahlua4me · 09/01/2019 16:17

I am shocked by many of the responses on this thread. You should definitely go BonnieBright and stay for as long as you are needed.

I can understand that your dh will miss you and the baby but this is an unexpected event and as such needs to be handled as best you can. It would be impossible to sit at home all day just so that dh can see your baby in the evenings when your family need you.

Mummyshark2018 · 09/01/2019 16:24

Yanbu. He is being childish. Go and help your mother, aunt, other relatives! As you've said when shoe was on the other foot he was happy for you to help his dad. I don't get why any parent wouldn't welcome a short break from parenthood, when they know the child is being well looked after by another parent. He sounds a bit jealous and controlling to me.

LittleMissPonsible · 09/01/2019 16:28

It’s no wonder so many people in society struggle away on their own when people seem to have such an insular, ‘I’m OK so sod everyone else’ attitude. I really can’t believe that there are people who wouldn’t rally round for relatives in this situation.

OP YANBU, your mum and your young cousins need you. I wish your aunt a speedy recovery. I’m sure you’re husband will get over being on his own for ten evenings.

Dreamscomingtrue · 09/01/2019 16:39

My Mum died suddenly when my baby was just a few weeks old, my Dad was in pieces. My husband and mother in law were fantastic, looking after our two older children and getting them to school.

My husband said that I had to go to my Dad and stay with him for as long as I was needed, which I did, for about 5 days.Then I had to go back for a few days for the funeral. It was a 2 hour drive away.

Your husband should be supporting you, as you say it’s only the weekdays when he’s at work anyway. He’ll still see you and the baby at weekends. You’re not just doing it for you aunt but for your Mum and your aunt’s children too.

Serin · 09/01/2019 16:49

This is so sad.
I hope your aunt recovers OP Flowers
I think your DH is being quite selfish, it's not like your baby will forget him in a week.

StormTreader · 09/01/2019 16:54

I did originally think you were being a bit dramatic but your later posts have clarified things a lot and you should definitely go.
If your DH was so devastated to be away from his baby for a week, he could at least try and get some leave from holiday.

If he's really said that its a waste of holiday, then this has suddenly refocused in my mind to a possible "he doesn't want to have his life disrupted with having to do his own cooking, shopping and cleaning for 2 weeks".

nuttyknitter · 09/01/2019 17:14

Of course you should go. Your DH wants to you stay at home but he'll be at work for most of the time your baby's awake, so he won't see him much anyway, and you'll be alone wishing you could support your mum. he is being very unreasonable.

HSMMaCM · 09/01/2019 17:39

My DH would tell me to go. He'd even help me pack. He'd also tell me to stay as long as I need to.

supergrains · 09/01/2019 17:45

I would go. Your dp is not the boss of you.

Tinkobell · 09/01/2019 18:22

Best of luck OP, thinking of you and your Aunt and her kids. I hope she's in good hands and gets the diagnosis without undue delay. X

Salmakia · 09/01/2019 18:31

" Can you contact a rehoming charity for the dogs?" this is such terrible advice, when the children are in the middle of dealing with this happening to their mum?! Really glad OP is ignoring it. You've definitely made the right choice to go and support your mother, aunt and very young cousins. Some of the responses on here have thoroughly surprised me. Am glad there are caring people like you to balance the world BonnieBright

SusanneLinder · 09/01/2019 18:33

Sorry but I think your DH is being selfish and controlling. He CAN take time off work, but won't and is kicking off because you are going to help your mum. He is being ridiculous. Is he always such a child?
My DH would have packed my case for me and told me to go right away, and if he could get time off work, he would come with me.

SilverySurfer · 09/01/2019 18:36

It must be difficult for you and I understand you wanting to be there to support your DM, care for your nieces and nephews etc. I just wonder, what will you do if your Aunt takes weeks or months to recover in hospital? How is it going to be feasible for you to go to your DM Monday to Friday week after week? Can your DM take on responsibility for your nieces and nephews on a long term basis?

Hope it all works out for you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/01/2019 18:38

OP go go go.

Bloody irresponsible posters telling you not to.

chillpizza · 09/01/2019 18:55

What happens longer term though? Two weeks isn’t going to change so drastically that she goes from could die to back home coping. After that your mum is still going to be in the exact same position and although a short visit could provide some relief longer term the longer you stay the harder it will be for her to cope/get the right support in place as they will see it as you can help.

Has the dad/s been informed? The school? Social services? The health visitor? The preschool? These are all people who can help and get the right help to your aunts children.

I’m not sure how much help a bf’ing new mum is realistically going to be to children and animals that barely know you. When your baby is cluster feeding/waking in the night etc.

Nacreous · 09/01/2019 18:56

Jeez, some people have no heart. Go OP, and I'd suggest he comes to you at the weekend, not the other way round.

Remember to take breaks once you're there if you can, as situations like this address emotionally exhausting.

One similar just been happening in this family; I've now tagged out, but so far 7 different family members and two friends have helped out. That's the deal with family, or it is in my family. Even if I don't like them that much of the time, I can still see when they need help and can decentre enough to offer them that. I'm honestly baffled by the level of inaction some people would take in these circumstances.

ohfourfoxache · 09/01/2019 19:27

Oh shit, just seen your update about your aunt - I’m so sorry, sounds like she’s going to be in for a while x

Helmetbymidnight · 09/01/2019 19:32

I’m puzzled that op is expected to know and make plans for what happens long term.
Is it really not enough that an adult daughter might want to be there to help their mother and family in crisis right now?

Applesaregreenandred · 09/01/2019 19:37

@BonnieBright I think you are doing the right thing in going to support your mom and your aunt's family. I hope that your aunt will recover and that your DH will come round and realise that he is being rather selfish Thanks

SemperIdem · 09/01/2019 19:43

Have you gone to Cornwall op?

Honestly I think, given the circumstances, it is the most reasonable thing you can do for your young cousins. Your presence will enable your mum to be with your aunt and allow them to still have a relatively normal day to day life.

Heart attack or stroke (I understand it is not always immediately clear so am not questioning you on that), the road to recovery your aunt has ahead of her could be long. That she has family who will rally around her, even if normally you’re “not close”, in a crisis, will mean a huge amount to her as I’m sure your mum will be talking to her at the hospital and she will know.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 09/01/2019 20:13

OP, I think of course you should go.

It’s totally understandable that your DH will miss the baby, but your aunts 3 DC obviously need to be looked after.

Your DH should take Friday and/or Monday off and drive down to you for a long weekend, there is no way you should be driving back and forth.

You/your mum do need to give some thought to longer term care for the DC. Does your aunt have a will that appoints a guardian? Could SS offer some help and support? Or Homestart if there’s one in that area?

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but is their father on the scene? Are there any members of his family who could help out?

HeebieJeebies456 · 09/01/2019 20:17

DP has the option to do this but thinks it is a waste of his leave
Taking even a few days off to support you is a 'waste' of his leave? Shock
Did he take any time off in the 3 weeks you spent supporting him and his family?

He doesn't want to be supportive because it inconveniences him in some minor way?
What parenting of ds does he do when he's home in the evenings anyway if he 'can't' even handle a crying baby?

He's being selfish and inconsiderate.
Those dc are most lilely terrified and scared and they need familiar faces and loved ones around them right now....and their needs trump his!

Personally, i wouldn't travel back on the weekends either, he can travel to you.
I don't think that's asking a lot from him considering how you've helped him and his family out in the past.

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