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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunt has had a heart attack but DP being an arse

319 replies

BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 12:55

...but DP doesn't want me to visit her for too long as we have a small baby and he doesn't want to be away from our son for a week.

We've had a massive row over it. She's my aunt. And it's only a week.

I'm upset. I need to be there for my mum also who is in bits. I'll be visiting next week too, regardless of how he feels about that.

She lives in Cornwall and I'm in Wales so not like I can just pop down for the night.

I know HIBU but I'm in tears and angry and worried about my aunt so needed to vent on mn :( I've never been close to my aunt but I love her and she's been present my whole life. I'm surprised how upset I am over it.

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 09/01/2019 15:26

If you are close to your aunt really want to see her, go. Compromises on both sides, perhaps you go for less than a week and if he hasn't got two days off in a row, apply for an extra day for family leave and go down and join you - that way he can have quality time alone with your DC and that'd help you visit your aunt.

AlexanderHamilton · 09/01/2019 15:27

I think he is being unreasonable.

My husband was taken seriously ill last year right in the middle of my daughter's GCSE exams. Dd was also at a specialist school in the city where dh works, rather than the one where we live to complicate matters. My family and his family all pulled together to help including my parents going to stay in a caravan with dd near to her school some days and having my ds stay with them overnight other days to ensure that neither she or ds (at school near to where we live) missed a day at school and had the support needed through a difficult time.

There are 3 young children in this scenario who need looking after both for their physical and emotional needs and subject to work flexibility I would do everything in my power to help out at such a time.

Original poster
BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 15:28

@user139328237 but who's going to pay for the extra nursery? That's an extra £150 a week. And to rehome her family pet just after she's had a stroke? Poor kids. They've had that dog their whole life. It's not the time to be rejoining their family dog. Not just yet.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 09/01/2019 15:28

You’re being unreasonable callin him an arse

Mia1415 · 09/01/2019 15:32

You’re being unreasonable callin him an arse

I disagree! He doesn't sound like a very nice person from what I can see.

Artofhappiness · 09/01/2019 15:33

@BonnieBright. Check out the Cinnamon Trust - they are a charity that offer dog fostering/walking for people in your aunt’s situation - both short and long term. If they can’t help they will signpost to someone who can. Best to wait and see what happens though before worrying about the long term re: the dogs. It’s really early days and people do surprise the doctors ever day.

Original poster
BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 15:33

And before anyone chimes in and says 'I thought you said she had a heart attack' it's looking like she's had a stroke, caused by an irregular heartbeat. We just don't completely know yet. Getting updated regularly by my poor mum.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning and that's decided. DP will have to deal with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 15:34

@Artofhappiness thank you. I will absolutely check that out.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/01/2019 15:35

Go tomorrow assess the situation and then take the rest from there. Don’t make any long term plans yet just take it Day by day

Jent13c · 09/01/2019 15:36

My husband is far from perfect but I cannot imagine a situation in which he would be so unreasonable. You have to go. He will of course miss the baby but we have Skype and facetime and you can speak to him every night. I went away for a week alone on the train with the baby to see my family when he was 6 weeks old and then again when he was a bit older for a wedding and again for a funeral. My husband and my little boy are best of friends and it certainly hasnt affected their bonding. The suggestion that you leave the baby is crazy. He's ebf and absolutely dependent on you, never mind that you would have no childcare while your DH was working.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/01/2019 15:37

I think you should go. No question. And your husband sounds so so selfish. I bet he is an arse the rest of the time too. I feel for you. He should be supporting you, not hindering and upsetting you.

Cherries101 · 09/01/2019 15:38

A lot of posters on this thread have no family values. This is clearly hurting you. Go. Your DP should be able to handle his own kids ffs.

lazymum99 · 09/01/2019 15:39

Not only should you go but your DP should join you on the weekend to support and help out. Kids and dogs will still need help.
There are animal charities that will foster dogs in this situation until there is a permanent solutions.
Is it Possible to increase 2 year olds nursery attendance?
See if you can get help from other school mums/dads for pick ups or after school help.
Good luck.

ChipsAreLife · 09/01/2019 15:40

some of you are savage. Young children are involved and they've no father, how heartless to suggest not helping.

OP you absolutely must go and be there for your family.

Im so sorry you're going through this and having the added stress of DH not supporting you.

I really hope your aunt is ok x

LimpidPools · 09/01/2019 15:42

Jeepers OP. I'm still baffled by so many of these responses.

This is clearly an emergency which calls for all hands on deck. It's not a situation anybody would have chosen. Your husband just isn't the one who needs the most consideration here. And by making an appalling situation even harder he absolutely is being an arse.

As for User and other posters suggesting similar, why don't you just send the children to the orphanage and put the house on the market while you're about it?

What the hell is wrong with people? It's obvious that the dependent children and the critically ill are the ones who have to be given priority here. Just as it's obvious that your partner is putting himself first. I hope he's had a word with himself by the time he gets home.

Don't doubt yourself. You already know what you need to do. And he'll cope just fine without you at home to make his tea the baby for a few days.

Hogtini · 09/01/2019 15:45

This is one of the most astonishing threads I've ever read.

OP, go. 100% YANBU Flowers

notacooldad · 09/01/2019 15:46

I'm glad you are going.
It's not like you are hanging round waiting for visiting hours, you are there to support the family.

You were there to support him when he needed it.

I hope your aunty recovers well.

Best Wishes to you all

Mia1415 · 09/01/2019 15:48

some of you are savage. Young children are involved and they've no father, how heartless to suggest not helping.

It's staggering isn't it :-( This thread has actually made me feel quite upset. I think several posters on here (as well as the OP's DH) need to take a long hard look at themselves. I'm honestly stunned.

Saltandsauce · 09/01/2019 15:49

YANBU family is everything, I’d drop everything to do exactly what you’re doing, for your mums sake and especially for your cousins sake. Poor souls, I hope your aunt has a speedy recovery. Flowers xxx

Galaxyfarfaraway · 09/01/2019 15:50

This thread is bonkers.
Glad you are going OP. Hope things turn out well for your Aunt.

ChipsAreLife · 09/01/2019 15:57

I agree mia it's very upsetting to read how awful some people are

GabsAlot · 09/01/2019 15:58

hes agot a choice hes chosen not to come-so hes made the decsion not to see his son

go help your mum kids are prob petrified right now

Tinkobell · 09/01/2019 15:59

I can only speak from our recent experience OP; in my DH's case his relative sadly did die over Christmas, however he spent every weekend driving 5 hours in the months beforehand going and visiting him in hospital; just sitting with him, sharing videos of our kids talking and general chat.
I was so glad he spent this time with him. At the time, it was a bit of hassle for me. My DH's grieves the loss, we all are grieving, but he is content that he did all he could when he could to just be there. At the time these crises seem to drag, but sadly once they are over and you look back, it's like a whirlwind. So important not to act selfishly!

DiamondsBestFriend · 09/01/2019 15:59

The problem here isn’t that the OP is taking the baby away, the problem is that this is all far too reactionary.

Given they don’t yet know whether this was a heart attack or a stroke the reality is that this has happened within the past two or three hours as this is the crucial window for this diagnosis/treatment, and here we have the OP not just arranging to go up there straight away which is understandable, but planning that she’ll be up there this week and then home at the weekend and then back next week and so on and she doesn’t even know what the diagnosis is yet as she’s posting while this is all happening.

yes one goes up there in the heat of the moment, but as yet nobody can make any firm plans as to how long it will be etc because as yet there isn’t even a diagnosis. And she won’t be talking, she’ll be sedated at this point so that’s not an indicator yet.

So yes, the OP should go, but no decisions can be made until they have a better idea of what’s happened. Even if it’s a stroke there is absolutely no knowing how long she’ll be in hospital etc. I had endocarditis, spent three days in an induced coma, on full life support, touch and go as to whether I would survive, and I was out of hospital in two weeks. It simply isn’t possible to know one way or another about the outcome of something which is happening as we speak.

ItsQuietTime · 09/01/2019 16:03

Initially it sounded like you were being a bit unreasonable but your later posts indicate you're going to be taking care of your Aunt's children. So your DP sounds like he's being an ass.

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