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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunt has had a heart attack but DP being an arse

319 replies

BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 12:55

...but DP doesn't want me to visit her for too long as we have a small baby and he doesn't want to be away from our son for a week.

We've had a massive row over it. She's my aunt. And it's only a week.

I'm upset. I need to be there for my mum also who is in bits. I'll be visiting next week too, regardless of how he feels about that.

She lives in Cornwall and I'm in Wales so not like I can just pop down for the night.

I know HIBU but I'm in tears and angry and worried about my aunt so needed to vent on mn :( I've never been close to my aunt but I love her and she's been present my whole life. I'm surprised how upset I am over it.

OP posts:
MitziK · 09/01/2019 14:29

I'd go. And wouldn't have any issues from the OH.

He was away for three months when his father had a stroke. I didn't have to like it, but it was necessary.

In any case, if he were in this situation with a single parent relative and the alternative was quite possibly for the dogs to be handed over to the RSPCA/put down and the children put into the care system, even my mild mannered OH would go, whatever I said.

Tough luck on your OH. He'll get over it - whereas there's no guarantee she will.

Hope there is better news soon. X

Schoolisback1973 · 09/01/2019 14:33

You should go! Your DP should be more supportive. He is being selfish.
I am really sad reading some of the comments and how detached some people can be. Help is needed, if it can be offered, why not? and in this case, it can. It's her mum!
I couldn't live with myself knowing my aunt with young children was very unwell and my mum was desperately needing help with looking after them.

waywardfruit · 09/01/2019 14:33

Just go. Take the baby and go.

(Can't believe some of the callous replies on here btw)

Of course you need to go, and no you aren't being U, your DP is. When someone needs you like this you drop everything and go to help, and he is being a total arse.

Futureisland · 09/01/2019 14:34

To be fair most of the people here who said YABU did so because all the information wasn't there at the start. Seems much more reasonable now we know the full circumstances including your dps unwillingness to compromise on his side aswell when he is able to make this easier for you.

Chewbecca · 09/01/2019 14:34

I'd just go OP. And tell OH that I'd be back as soon as I could, hopefully on the weekend with the intention to return next week but obviously you can't be sure because you just don't know how things will pan out over the next few days or weeks.

The debate is pointless.

Just pack and go.

Original poster
BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 14:35

Agreed @Futureisland - that's my fault for not including a few things in the OP. Apologies.

OP posts:
Loveatthefiveanddime · 09/01/2019 14:35

I am so glad to hear you are packing up to go. You can handle next week & the long term plans for the children later.

This thread has me mystified. I think that my dp would have

StarbucksSmarterSister · 09/01/2019 14:35

He’s not being an arse.

He's totally being an arse. OP, it was ok for you to look after HIS father for 3 weeks (why didn't he do it?) But not for you to support your mother for a few days at such an awful time? Is he always so selfish? Of course if he wouldn't take time off for his own dad, he's not likely to see why you want to do this.

For some reason on MN aunts, uncles, grandparents don't seem to count as "real" family. I'm so glad my family aren't like that.

Tell him he's a dick and go and do what you need to.

SassitudeandSparkle · 09/01/2019 14:35

This is a situation that has just happened - no one is clear what is going on. A short visit would be better to see what is actually needed. Everyone involved is in shock and it's not a time to be making snap judgements, especially if future planning is needed.

This could be a very young baby, it's a very long journey for him, don't write off dad's contributions during the non-working hours. Dad wanting time with his baby is not being controlling. If the baby is only a couple of months old, two weeks is a big chunk of his life.

I've helped out when my in-laws (and my own family) needed it when I lived nearer, but you do have to look after your own as well. That is not hating your wider family, it is being practical.

Birdsgottafly · 09/01/2019 14:38

I think you should go and he join you, if he's missing the Baby.

It's a Family crisis and practical help is needed.

You've done it for his side, now your side needs the help.

Men can be oddly controlling over situations like this. I've known the same Dad's to not give a fuck about seeing much of their kids, years down the line.

On a practical note, perhaps find temporary care for the dogs, or a walker etc?

Don't be shy about taking up her neighbours offers of help, or other school Mums, either.

ID81241 · 09/01/2019 14:38

YANBU OP. Omg I'm so shocked at some of the comments on here... do these people hate their family that they can't change normal routine to support their family in a crisis?! It's actually upset me reading many of the comments.

Back to your situation OP... do whatever you can live with should the worst happen (hopefully your aunt recovers). I would absolutely regret not helping my mum and aunt for what is a relatively short period of time in my baby's life just to pander to my husband. Conversely I wouldn't regret my husband missing 10 days with his baby that baby won't remember anyway...you know what's in your heart and you need to follow that above anything.

pabloescobar · 09/01/2019 14:39

YANBU
Please go and help your mum support her sister

Original poster
BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 14:39

@SassitudeandSparkle it has just happened but my aunt is in a bad way and isn't going to be out of hospital anytime soon, if she even gets that far. She was without oxygen for a long time and needs brain scans. It's wasn't a simple heart attack which was treated quickly. She collapsed in the garden and her neighbour found her. Nobody knows how long she was there for. She also got very cold. It's all very sad but 2 weeks is just the tip of the iceberg. I can't commit to longer than that as I am so far away but I want to help in the immediate aftermath.

OP posts:
ID81241 · 09/01/2019 14:41

I've helped out when my in-laws (and my own family) needed it when I lived nearer, but you do have to look after your own as well. That is not hating your wider family, it is being practical.

No it's being selfish. Look after your own? You mean a grown man missing 10 days with his baby? There's 3 kids that might miss 30 years plus with their mum if OP's aunt dies... in what possible way does her husband's needs to be looked after for 10 days compare in anyway to their significant needs at this time.

robinwasntred · 09/01/2019 14:41

I can't believe many of the responses. Of course he'll miss you and the baby, but it's a family crisis, not a holiday without him! He's an adult - he'll cope. I don't understand why people are talking about father's rights - it just seems totally inappropriate when the OP's mum and family need support and a relative is extremely ill. YANBU.

ohfourfoxache · 09/01/2019 14:46

Actually, what is his rationale for his objection - is it because he’ll miss the baby or is it because he’ll have to look after himself?

U2HasTheEdge · 09/01/2019 14:48

OP It isn't your fault for not posting everything in your first post. People need to learn to highlight the OP's posts and read them all before replying.

Tinkobell · 09/01/2019 14:48

We have just been through a family crisis from Oct - Dec when a member of our family on my husbands side was struck down with a brain tumour and died over Christmas. I was left home managing the ship so to speak Mon-Friday while my DH attended the relative. My view would be to get down there and plan to stay a week initially; take stock of the situation, the care plan that's in place for your aunt and also to get a handle on her prognosis if you can - tactfully. It is not feasible from such a distance for you to be any form of long term support but you can help set a few things up rapidly if you are resourceful. Personally, I'd just tell your DH thats what you plan. He does sound like a silly arse and frankly one day it could be his kindred needing him asap ; then YOU need to be understanding and flexible.

U2HasTheEdge · 09/01/2019 14:50

is it because he’ll miss the baby or is it because he’ll have to look after himself?

Exactly my thoughts too. I doubt very much it is about missing the baby for 5 days, because if it was that has an easy solution. Just one he doesn't want to take up.

frenchchick9 · 09/01/2019 14:51

@TheFrequentNameChangingLady - you win the prize for the most heartless post on MN. Jesus.

Your not close to your aunt and heart attacks aren't necessarily life and death any more. Does it look like it is for her?
Have you read the post?

What does your mum need the support for? Is she unwell too, did she rely on her sister for anything?
Jesus.

Tinkobell · 09/01/2019 14:52

If she's in hospital OP the main thing is to go and help any broader family and kids ; get some plans in place on that front. Any idea when the scans are happening? I do hope they speed those along asap. 💐

nomorearsingmermaids · 09/01/2019 14:52

I've helped out when my in-laws (and my own family) needed it when I lived nearer, but you do have to look after your own as well.

My aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents (yes, and in laws too!) ARE "my own". This is what I mean by MN being very dismissive of the extended family.

Artofhappiness · 09/01/2019 14:53

Agree you should go, but you should also acknowldege that your dh will really miss the baby and perhaps tell him how you would feel if roles were reversed. I’d also wait to see how things are with your aunt and mum before committing to a week’s stay or more. You should also consider that your need to be with your mum is likely to be more about you and your feelings than hers or your aunts. It can be difficult to realise that in the midst of a crisis or shock. How much help are you realistically going to be able to offer? Perhaps your dh is worried it’s going to be much longer than a week.

jessstan2 · 09/01/2019 14:53

Go but take the baby with you. Your husband doesn't need to go and you've said you'll be home at weekends. Your mum and aunt need your support. It won't hurt your old man to be parted from the baby for a little while.

nomorearsingmermaids · 09/01/2019 14:54

You should also consider that your need to be with your mum is likely to be more about you and your feelings than hers or your aunts.

FFS, her mother has ASKED her to be there.

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