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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

310 replies

Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 12:50

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

OP posts:
Slightlycoddled · 09/01/2019 19:21

Andro I'm very sorry that happened to your niece. I was merely recounting what happened in my dd's case and we had the opposite experience.

Speakout We allow a bullying husband to have sex with us - even when we don't want it, just to make sure he isn;'t angry?

To be frank, I'm not sure using a comparison of adult sexual abuse is helpful in the context of a situation involving 10-year-old children.

But each to their own. I'm just stating what worked for us in a similar situation without detriment to my daughter. Many of you are taking the view that a 10 yr old child can never change, never reform, or be shown the error of his ways so there is no point in trying. I happen to hold a different view. At the very least I don't think excluding him is necessarily going to make him behave better either.

Perhaps we need to agree to disagree on this one. As I say, I hope the op's son has a great birthday anyway and that the school can step up and resolve the bullying issue.

Original poster
Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 19:23

Spoke to DS about it earlier, he wasn't too happy at first but he started making a list of who to invite, only including about half the class and we found somewhere to have the party that he's really wanted to go to so he's very excited now

OP posts:
speakout · 09/01/2019 19:25

OP sorry, but I think that allowing the bully to impact the size of your son's party is pretty sad.

shitholiday2018 · 09/01/2019 19:33

speak out, it beggars believe that a reasonable grown adult would think excluding one small child would be fair response. Clearly the ops child does not have 19 close friends and one enemy. A party with 19 only would therefore be sending a huge message. Good grief, it’s no wonder our penal system is in dire straits if people think even a small child cannot be rehabilitated. Peel away the layers of anger and resentment and find your human core, for gods sake. We all make mistakes. What if someone wrote you off at ten? Did yo lead such a perfect life that you can judge even a young child so harshly? Just wow.

Well done OP. Great job of finding a fair happy medium which your child will enjoy just as much I’m sure.

speakout · 09/01/2019 20:37

shitholiday2018

I don't see a 10 year old as a "small child".

At 10 a child can work out actions and consequences.

menztoray · 09/01/2019 20:39

Agree. 10 is not a small child.

MsTSwift · 09/01/2019 20:42

I agree that bossily enforcing kindness on small children who know not what they do is probably the right thing to do but 10 is sure old enough to understand that if you throw stones at someone they ain’t going to invite you to their party,

speakout · 09/01/2019 20:43

shitholiday2018

It's not up to the victim to "rehabilitate" the bully.

A child who is being bullied does not want the bully at his party.

What's so hard to understand about that?

The birthday child wants an enjoyable day, where he can relax and feel comfortable with his friends.
Not an occassion wher he is watching his back the whole time, alert for threatening looks, gestures or actions.

The event is a birthday party for the boy, not a group therapy session for the bully.

IAmAllowedAnOpinion · 09/01/2019 20:43

I feel so sorry for your son being made to compromise his own party for the sake of a bully. Also dkn't think you are sending a great message to him by making him do this - i.e. the bully wins!

7yo7yo · 09/01/2019 20:46

I would let him have a whole class party and not invite the bully and let him tell the bully why.
Damned if I’m going to lit a bullying little shit dictate what my child can and can’t do.

speakout · 09/01/2019 20:48

*I feel so sorry for your son being made to compromise his own party for the sake of a bully. Also dkn't think you are sending a great message to him by making him do this - i.e. the bully wins!

Totally agree.

MsTSwift · 09/01/2019 20:53

Actually 10 is the age of criminal responsibility in England so the courts have concluded that an average 10 year old has sufficient understanding to be held liable if they commit a crime. So this lad however mentally deficient can presumably link the stone throwing with lack of invite. Maybe some posters have tiny children and are projecting. my 10 year old is extremely clear as to who she does and does not want at her party and it’s her choice I don’t micro manage anymore.

Original poster
Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 21:14

He did ask if it was about the boy and we had a talk about it, i basically said if he was to invite everyone but the one child it could make the situation worse. I wanted him to be aware of that but I didn't make him though. I usually let my children decided things like this for themselves but with guidance if i feel like they need it. He prefers to avoid the boy but this may not have been the right way to go about it

OP posts:
speakout · 09/01/2019 21:17

OP what are the school doing about the bullying?

Is there an action plan in place to resolve the problem?

QwertyLou · 09/01/2019 21:26

If I understand correctly, your DS has always had just a “few friends” for his party but this year wants a “proper party”? In this context it seems like less than half the class will still satisfy that.. how does your DS feel?

I had a sibling who was never invited to parties as a child and it really, really hurt her. I know this other boy is not your responsibility, and I don’t blame you for wanting to keep him away from your DS. But thank you for finding a solution that protects your son, while not underlining to this other boy how unpopular he may (understandably) be.

Original poster
Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 21:30

I said towards the start of the thread I've spoken to the school countless times over the years. They've spoken to him and separated them as much as possible but said last year there's only so much they can do and pretty much told DS to get on with it so I stopped going to them about it after that it's almost as if they got bored of the situation because it's been going on since nursery really, they used to be all over it the second anything happened

OP posts:
speakout · 09/01/2019 21:32

OP you need to escalate the situation.

QwertyLou · 09/01/2019 21:38

Also, I had a similar dilemma around my son’s party last year.. there was one little girl he didn’t want to invite (different scenario as she had never hit my son and he wasn’t afraid of her).

Well after a lot of soul searching (and my first ever post on MN) we did invite her and she was an absolute angel! Being invited to a party is very special for kids who seldom are.. as a result (I think), she was probably the best behaved of the lot.

Anyway not relevant here as I can see you’ve found another solution.. have fun with the party planning 😊

luckylavender · 09/01/2019 21:40

Your DS is 10 & knows his own mind. If he were younger & the child had not been so horrid to him it would be different but in this case it seems right. Thank

QwertyLou · 09/01/2019 21:45

Sorry cross pasted. OP is it just your DS he is targeting or lots of kids?

It doesn’t sound right or fair that your son should “just get on with it.” Sounds like the school is abdicating their responsibility to resolve it.

With the little girl who was hitting people the nursery teachers and her mom were actively trying to manage the behaviour (although in hindsight i’m Not sure the situation is comparable to yours.. can completely understand your son not wanting him there!).

MsTSwift · 09/01/2019 22:02

I think it’s very different with tiny children who dong fully understand the implications of clocking people this kid is 10 whole different ball game.

Original poster
Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 22:03

He's happy about it now as he decided he wanted to invite some friends from his football team and a few other friends from outside of school so there's still a decent number. He mainly targets DS but I have heard about him targeting a few other kids too

OP posts:
Gina2012 · 09/01/2019 22:14

What has the school said about the bullying @Sherbetty ?

Gina2012 · 09/01/2019 22:15

Sorry - just seem the answer

shitholiday2018 · 09/01/2019 22:39

Speak out, I can completely understand the boy not wanting the other child at his party, I think I’ve said that already. It’s the singling out of a single child tha I object to. I thank goodness that I am surrounded by kinder, more understanding people. There are lots of kids with issues around my kids and , whilst I would never ignore a bully, I would never teach my children that unkind behaviour should be met with similarly unkind behaviour. What a terrible lesson. And what a generation we will produce if this is how we behave. Not on my watch.

10 is a small child. A 10 year old bully is a small child who needs help.