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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

310 replies

Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 12:50

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

OP posts:

Beeziekn33ze · 09/01/2019 16:47

Kewcumber. I'm impressed by a school which can admit that they'd been wrong about bullying in the past. The TA bothered to report the incident and was not brushed off by senior staff. So often this accepting of responsibility doesn't happen.
I reported a teacher who was verbally abusing a group of girls. His HoD said 'He's leaving at the end of term'. In other words, 'Don't upset the applecart'.

Slightlycoddled · 09/01/2019 17:08

God some of you have no fucking idea what it is like to be bullied

This assumption is completely incorrect!

Some of is have indeed been bullied and still would not exclude one boy.

No one is saying that the op 's child should be left to face his assailant alone in his bedroom fhs! We're saying the boy should be invited and supervised closely so the op's child can (supported by adults ) enjoy their birthday undisturbed. And if you exclude the lad, there will probably be more ramifications at school, where you have less control of the situation.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 17:13

Slightlycoddled op ds has had ongoing issues with this boy for bullying behaviour, not just a one off spat. Why should the ds invite this boy to his party, and op supervise this boy constantly on eggshells. What message is it sending the boy, that he can do what he wants with little consequence, he is 10 not 5, and will be a teenager in a few years. A small party excluding the boy is better, op ds should feel free to enjoy his special day without looking over his shoulder and worrying.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 17:15

Really, some people are just devoid of any sense of reality or commonsense. Sometimes I think Mumsnet is a parallel universe, this situation would be very clear cut and obvious in real life.

Slightlycoddled · 09/01/2019 17:21

Fine if the op wants to avoid the issue and invite half the class. I still don't think it is right to exclude one boy out of 30 (or whatever the number). Nothing is achieved by it except to make the situation worse. In a similar situation at my DD's party, a teenage nephew helped to supervise a trouble-maker one-on-one so he had absolutely no opportunity to misbehave. All the dc including my DD had a good time. I had her back, it wasn't a case of throwing her to the lions. And at school afterwards things improved.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 17:24

That is what she is doing Slightlycoddled, she will invite less kids, and have others from outside school and family.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 17:24

She is not having a whole class party now.

Slightlycoddled · 09/01/2019 17:26

Sorry, must have missed a page on this old tablet device.

Hope your ds has a great party op!

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 17:29

Here: The guests will include a few cousins and friends outside of school, I might suggest he invites maybe half the class, picking close friends and then has more of his friends from outside of school come if he wants a bigger party still

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2019 17:31

From what I have read of the op posts, it is more likely that his parents let him do what the hell he wanted, without any consequences. This is the result.

And the boy suffers and the parents do not.

And to those saying that unless you've been bullied you've no idea, well I was and I do.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2019 17:32

Teacher here - do NOT invite the other kid. It's important to teach your child that he doesn't have to allow people who hurt him repeatedly into his life. Very important for future boundaries and self-worth.

Which would be all very lovely as the school isn't doing anything about it anyway. So the victim and his parents can deal and take the consequences and the school brushes it away.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2019 17:33

What sort of party are you planning, OP?

Dartilla · 09/01/2019 17:39

Don't invite the one child, in respect of your child's wishes. Why should anyone invite someone they don't like to an event they are the center of?

RavenWings · 09/01/2019 17:51

Which would be all very lovely as the school isn't doing anything about it anyway. So the victim and his parents can deal and take the consequences and the school brushes it away.

The victim being which one, OPs child or the other? The school should be doing something - they're not. OP doesnt have the ability to change what happens in school, but she can teach her kid that he doesn't have to invite those who hurt him into his life.

Slightlycoddled · 09/01/2019 18:01

Thanks Aeroflotgirl

What I was trying to say (probably badly!) was that in a similar situation the trouble-maker learnt something from being able to attend; that any misbehaviour/spoiling of birthday child's day would NOT be tolerated. And that in order to join in fun activities etc and be included, he HAD to behave in a kind way to others. And yes it's not the host's job to teach him this but his parent haven't and nor have the school.... so just a suggestion. And as mentioned previously, there is a benefit at school afterwards. All well and good that the op has chosen a different format though.

Slightlycoddled · 09/01/2019 18:03

speakout · 09/01/2019 18:05

Slightlycoddled

Perhaps the bully will learn something from being excluded from the party.

That people don't like bullies.

Knitwit101 · 09/01/2019 18:19

I want to say go ahead and invite exactly who your son wants to invite and if that means leaving one person out then so be it.

But I would be worried I was making a massive statement, I'm not sure I would be brave enough to take the fall-out from that. And I'm not sure I would have wanted my son (who was bullied from age 9 till high school) to have to deal with it either.

I suspect the bully in our case would have made his life really difficult afterwards, and the parents would have been very vocal and angry about how unfairly their darling boy had been treated.

In an ideal world I would support my son to invite exactly who he wants but in reality I would encourage a smaller number of school friends without the bully.

Huffleypuff · 09/01/2019 18:21

I think you’re wrong, bullying by exclusion isn’t exactly better than bullying by teasing

Slightlycoddled · 09/01/2019 18:28

Yes that's also possible Speakout. As mentioned before it could also make him more disruptive and angry. As Knitwit says the fallout afterwards is also something to consider. I was just suggesting an alternative approach, one that came from actual experience.

speakout · 09/01/2019 18:48

bullying by exclusion

It's not though.

Not being invited to parties is what happens when you are nasty.

A natural consequence.

Seems very reasonable to me.

speakout · 09/01/2019 18:50

As mentioned before it could also make him more disruptive and angry. As Knitwit says the fallout afterwards is also something to consider.

So is that a life principle tthat is useful or valid?

We allow a bullying husband to have sex with us - even when we don't want it, just to make sure he isn;'t angry?

To placate bullies in case they get angry?
It's one step away from victim blaming.

That's a terrible life lesson.

Andro · 09/01/2019 18:52

I know the OP has already reached her decision but:

We're saying the boy should be invited and supervised closely so the op's child can (supported by adults ) enjoy their birthday undisturbed.

What do you suggest when this goes wrong? My Aunt took this tack with my cousin, overrode her wish to not have her bully at her party and invited her anyway (being the bigger person, not excluding 1 child etc). Despite close supervision, this child managed to injure my cousin. The fall out was huge and had ramifications at home and at school, the bully ramped up her behaviour at school and my cousin felt utterly betrayed. That was 10 years ago, my cousin still doesn't trust her mother's judgement and their relationship hasn't fully recovered.

IAmAllowedAnOpinion · 09/01/2019 19:01

Why the hell is the vile bully (he chucked stones at OPs son...!!) Getting ANY synpathy here?

As for people saying 'he may have issues', I wouldn't give a monkeys, not my problem. Mh ONLY concern would be my son.

OP, just to reiterate in no way, shape or fprm should your son be made (or even asked) to invite him.

MrMeSeeks · 09/01/2019 19:08

Nope, i wouldn't invite a child that was bullying mine.

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