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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

310 replies

Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 12:50

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

OP posts:
Slightlycoddled · 10/01/2019 11:57

Laguna I was being ironic (there should be an irony emoticon on here) in response to you saying "you can take exception all you like".

Which translated means "I don't care if you are offended, I'll carry on and make the same point anyway", right?

Anyway, I (genuinely) don't care for back and forth snippiness on threads and it really doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of kings but feel the need to respond when
(A) people make sweeping incorrect assumptions about me 'you can't have experienced bullying yourself if you are behaving this way or holding these views' . Wrong!

(B) make sweeping generalisations about others (especially children) ie 10 year old bullies turn in to adult bullies. I would have thought a more nuanced view would be "some definitely do" (I totally agree with your point that often the roots lie in their childhood and the behaviour doesn't just spring up suddenly from nowhere ) but also that "some don't". I'd like to leave room for that possibility anyway.

That's all really.

Slightlycoddled · 10/01/2019 11:59

grand scheme of things, not kings!

shitholiday2018 · 10/01/2019 13:35

Loving your work slightly coddled.

Kittykat93 · 10/01/2019 13:56

So much victim blaming and bully sympathisers on here!

Coming from someone who used to force myself to throw up to avoid school and nearly succeeded in killing myself twice as a child, I can safely say I have no time or sympathy for horrible nasty bullying behaviour.

And someone who threw stones at my son wouldn't be anywhere near his party, that's for sure.

I do understand there are some reasons for bullying, such as issues at home like abuse or neglect. I know for a fact the people that bullied me had great lives, spoilt even, they just tormented me for the sheer entertainment of it.

I'm glad you've sorted it op.

Slightlycoddled · 10/01/2019 14:08

You too Shitholiday! Grin. (I'm taking early retirement now though to focus on the laundry.)

PregnantSea · 10/01/2019 14:10

I would just do a smaller party. It's not on to invite everyone except him and it will probably make the situation worse, but equally that kid is an aggressive bully and you shouldn't force him upon your son. If someone treated me badly I definitely wouldn't invite them to my house so it's not fair to expect your son to do it.

Just have a party with your son's closer friends.

thegardenfairy · 10/01/2019 15:04

Lweji

But, it's not "contrary to MN" either

Lweji

These threads pop up regularly with most posters saying "No! You can't leave one child out of a class party, even if s/he has bullied your child relentlessly".

It seems OP has now dropped some of her Dc's friends so the bully doesn't feel left out.

Why do people feel they have to tiptoe around a bully? Be a bully if you want but face the consequences. Nobody likes a bully! I certainly wouldn't suggest any of my children invite their bullies to their party. I wouldn't invite someone I don't like to my party. Why should my children?

Lweji · 10/01/2019 15:07

These threads pop up regularly with most posters saying

I didn't get the feeling that it was most posters here, let alone anything remotely a vast majority that could be considered as "MN". I doubt that's true for other threads either.

lily2403 · 10/01/2019 15:25

I couldn't let him do it, purely as its only one person out of whole class. seems a bit cruel. It would be a smaller party or all of them

Dieu · 10/01/2019 16:46

It serves the boy right.
YANBU.

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2019 18:43

couldn't let him do it, purely as its only one person out of whole class. seems a bit cruel

Bullying is cruel. Reducing a child to tears on a daily basis because of name calling, threats and harassment, physical assualts, telling a chd they would be better off killing themselves because they are a waste of space... These are all cruel, leaving out the perpetrator of them? Not so much.

Original poster
Sherbetty · 10/01/2019 19:48

I just want to say the reason I didn't want DS to go ahead with his original plan is because it may cause things to get worse. The boy would be upset and angry, the first person to blame would be DS. It was still his choice who to invite at the end of the day, he made the list. This may sound cruel but to me it wasn't exactly about the boy's feelings, it was about DS and his feelings as it is his birthday

OP posts:
Sondela · 11/01/2019 02:48

There are a lot of virtue signalling weirdos on this thread who seem to be training their children to accept future and excuse abuse because 'she had a rough childhood and she needs my help' or 'he has problems with anger but he loves me really.' I do not envy you or the children you are raising. Hopefully in the future your children have the means to afford therapy. They will need it to build the boundaries you're failing to teach (and in some cases actively breaking).

Sondela · 11/01/2019 03:13

That wasn't aimed at you OP. It's great that you've found an alternative that he's happy with where he gets to invite other friends and isn't forced to have a small party purely to appease a bully.

squeekums · 11/01/2019 03:33

His party his choice

I see it like this, would you invite your bully to your birthday? No
So why should a kid have to just to keep up appearances. Why should your kid have a lesser birthday just so the bully dont get his feelies hurt
Maybe if that kid dont wanna be left out, dont be a lil shit and a bully

Sondela · 11/01/2019 04:44

Why should a kid have to just to keep up appearances. Why should your kid have a lesser birthday just so the bully dont get his feelies hurt

So the parents can feel all warm and fuzzy inside and pat themselves on the back for being such good people.

Commonwasher · 11/01/2019 04:46

This, from Hereward: Does your son want to invite all but one because he genuinely has a deep friendship with all the other children, or because he wants to use the party as a revenge tool and exclude the one.

Nishky · 11/01/2019 05:34

Sondela are you always this dramatic

Shiraznowplease · 11/01/2019 05:41

I think you should go by what your son wants from bitter experience. My ds didn’t want to my invite one horrid boy I insisted he couldn’t not invite just one child. Child came was particularly demanding and then had a party inviting everyone but my son and teased him about it. Guess who won’t be invited this year ...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/01/2019 06:56

I've regretted inviting a couple of kids to DS1's birthday parties - but one of them was apparently one of his best friends, not from school but from playgroup. This friend had always been a bit rough, and they'd had a few issues with him hurting DS1, but they'd stayed friends and continued to play together. However, the end came at this birthday party, where he was the only one there to cause DS1 any problem (by hitting him on the head with something). Last time he came to our house. Such a shame as his mum was one of my friends - we tried one more time to socialise, this time at her house, but her Ds2 then pushed my DS2 over (I saw it) very roughly, and I realised that was It, no more. I'm still friends with the mum but we don't socialise any more and they don't get invited to our parties.

Similarly, I have a close friend who has children who are all on the spectrum in varying degrees. The oldest one is the same age as DS1 but is no longer invited to his parties, as she has a tendency to kick and punch DS1 while at school, or any chance she gets, tbh. It's very mortifying for the friend, and for me, but it's safer for the kids if they don't socialise outside of school. DS1 calls her his "frenemy" - and I give him the option to invite her or not, but I fully support when he says "no" because he doesn't deserve to be beaten up at his party.
I've talked to my friend about it and she gets it - it's still sad, for her, for her DD and for us - but I'm not letting DS1 get hurt.

I think the OP has done the best thing under the circumstances. I still don't support excluding just ONE child from a whole class party, however mean he's been - that's not "virtue signalling", it's coming from a place of understanding just how awful that feeling is, regardless of cause (happened to me at 14). Yes, he doesn't deserve to go to parties because he's hurt the OP's son - but he doesn't deserve to be the sole exclusion either.

As for why the UK has the lower-than-average criminal age of 10 - doesn't everyone remember why? Because of the Bulger case - it was lowered specifically to deal with them.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 11/01/2019 07:13

Your son is ten, ot five. Basic social manners and the difference between right and wrong should have been learnt by now. Any ten year old not invited to a party because they don’t actually like the birthday boy and go out of their way to hurt and insult him and ostracise him from his friends cannot be remotely surprised or offended at the lack of an invitation.

If he or his mother chooses to confront you or your son about it then they should calmly and clearly be told as much. If they are surprised or upset by it then perhaps there is a golden opportunity to reflect on the reasons and learn a valuable life lesson.

I know there will be lots of ‘he might have autism or special/behavioural needs’ on this thread and yes, he might. I wouldn’t advocate leaving out one child just because they struggle to fit in socially and I hope most children are brought up with enough compassion and sensitivy to recognise when a child is struggling with what the rest of us take for granted.

But my sympathy only extends to a point. That point is where actual harm is done. When it becomes deliberate bullying or excessive teasing and goading. Excessive rudeness and physical harm or the threat of it. I don’t care what the reasons for it might be, my responsibility it’s is to my child, or anyone else’s.

BigChocFrenzy · 11/01/2019 08:16

Thumbwitches The age of criminal responsibility was NOT lowered for the Bulger case

The minimum age for criminal responsibility was raised from 8 to 10 under the Children and Young Persons Act 1963;

What you may have confused is that the murderers of James Bulger were tried in an adult court,
which is controversial and very unusual for the UK - although not for some other countries like the US.

However, the sentences in the Bulger case were appropriate for child offenders, not adults.

Slightlycoddled · 11/01/2019 08:25

actually the age of criminal responsibility in UK (not Scotland) has remained at 10 yrs since 1963. This has attracted massive criticism by the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the child, is out of step with many other countries in Europe and is said to be out of step with most recent studies on child brain development.

Slightlycoddled · 11/01/2019 08:26

X posts! sorry you got there before me BigChoc!

Starlight456 · 11/01/2019 08:35

I have read what is happening with party . I agree appeasing bullies doesn’t help. Actually I think there is too much stepping on eggshells for bullies. Doesn’t really matter why they bully it’s not acceptable so should be dealt with .

I also agree following bullying policy at school