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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

310 replies

Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 12:50

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

OP posts:
icecreammonday · 09/01/2019 22:55

Why should you change your son's plans and have a smaller party just so you don't upset his bully? Makes no sense at all! How would you feel if you had to invite someone who bullied you to a special occasion party? Would you feel ok to do that?! Bloody hell so damn British no wonder so many people get bullied.

MsTSwift · 09/01/2019 23:13

Oh dear the virtue signallers are here. How kind and marvellous you are. 10 is not a small child. We don’t know he “has issues” or “needs help”. Some kids are just mean. Why not channel your sympathy for the lad who has had stones thrown at him - that if he were your son you would invite your child’s tormentor to his own birthday party then pat yourself on the back at how kind you are frankly unbelievable.

Lalliella · 10/01/2019 00:20

Don’t invite him, he’s a bully. If the mum asks tell her. Haven’t RTFT so apologies if everyone else said this.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/01/2019 00:41

I agree, 10 is not a small child. Shall we remember why the age of criminal responsibility was reduced to 10 in the UK?

However, I'm pleased to see that the OP's son has a compromise he is happy with - there is no harm at all in teaching him that sometimes compromise is the way to go. He's still getting his big party, he's still not inviting the bully who has plagued him his entire school life - good outcome.

thegardenfairy · 10/01/2019 00:55

Contrary to MN I don't think any child should be expected to invite their bully to their birthday party.

Bully becomes sad as a result? Well tough luck!

Those that force their children to include a child against their will have no experience of being bullied. Or will ever understand why their child doesn't wish to include a certain child in their special day celebrations.

Lweji · 10/01/2019 01:35

10 is a small child. A 10 year old bully is a small child who needs help.

10 is NOT a small child, FGS.
Help, yes.
Rewarded, no.

We need to establish boundaries and presence in a party does not help a bully stop their behaviour. It teaches them there are no consequences to their behaviour.

Lweji · 10/01/2019 01:38

But, it's not "contrary to MN" either.
It's, in fact, insulting to all the many pps saying the bully shouldn't be invited. It's as if all their posts don't exist or count.

ChristmasFairy2018 · 10/01/2019 01:42

As long as your son is happy with his party, you've handled it well.

Ladyflop · 10/01/2019 04:59

In what world do you invite someone you can't stand to your party? We don't do it as adults so why should we expect children to do it.
On a side note, kids are still having parties, not to mention whole class parties, at 10???Confused

shitholiday2018 · 10/01/2019 07:23

Jesus. I’ve dealt with this exact situation, very recently. I am not speaking from a position of ignorance here. I choose to deal differently. I said you can’t exclude one child, it’s cruel, whatever they have done. However I entirely supported them not invitingnthe child in question. Whilst I want to protect my child, I realise things are never entirely black and white. I havent said reward him,, I’ve just said don’t meter out cruel and unusual punishment. You guys are mob rule rather than rehab.

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2019 07:34

10 is a small child. A 10 year old bully is a small child who needs help

Apart from the fact 10 is not a "small" child it is certainly not the victims responsibility to change bullies behaviour, or be concerned about them needing or getting "help". And why is it so difficult for some people to accept some children are just mean and nasty?

shitholiday2018 · 10/01/2019 07:36

Because that’s is rubbish Laguna. Children are not born bad. There is always a reason. You have clearly never worked with children.

speakout · 10/01/2019 07:38

It's not "cruel and unusual punishment".

It;s a natural consequence.

If you had a child at the parl and he started being mean to other kids, you would perhaps warn, and if that didn't work you would take your child home.
It's a consequence of being mean.

If you bully and are unpleasant people don't want to engage with you.
And that is the same for adults.
If you are gossiping about workmates, sticking in the knife and being unpleasant to others you won't get invited to social occassions.
That's not punishment, that is because people don't want to be treated like that.

Remember too we are not talking about a small child here, it's a 10 year old, who will be preparing for secondary school soon.

A child's party is not a rehab session. It's not there so the bully can work out his issues.
The party is so the birthday boy can relax and have fun with people he likes, it's his day.

shitholiday2018 · 10/01/2019 07:40

Bloody hell, at the risk of repetition, I HAVENT SAID INVITE HIM!!

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2019 07:41

Shit holiday you have no clue who I have or haven't worked with thanks. Thankfully I'm also raising my own children to know I put their feelings above the bullies feelings, that us all that matters, unlike some people.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 10/01/2019 07:46

Absolutely i'd leave the little shit out, and i hope they noticed it was everyone but them invited too.
Bullies need consequences for their actions, being left out and not invited places is a great example of you treat people badly, you don't get treats/rewards.
Inviting him anyway is no deterrent to him for treating others badly, and it undermines your sons feelings.

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2019 07:48

I actually despair when I read posts like yours shit holiday, no wonder some schools can't deal with bullying when there are people around with attitudes like yours. And it's other children that suffer. You know... the ones that will end up needing "help" for their own mental health because if the bullying actions of other children.

anniehm · 10/01/2019 07:49

At 10 it's ok to leave them out, they will understand except I would wonder why this kid is doing this - is it a behavioural issue in which case inviting would be kind. It seems very unusual to invite the whole class at 10, your son isn't doing it to deliberately miss out the bully is he?

shitholiday2018 · 10/01/2019 08:07

Back at you Laguna. Id be astonished if you were a professional working with children. Your attitudes are so far Removed from acceptable modern child education and psychology approaches. Teachers, social workr s, doctors generally have a more measurd and reasonable approach. IME anyway. It’s called being professional.

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2019 08:12

Shit holiday "back at you"... again I will say you have no clue what I do for a living as I have no clue what you do. But if you want to make yourself feel important by quoting crap on the Internet keep going. I happen to care more about the victims of bullying rather than the bullies themselves.

zingally · 10/01/2019 08:13

Of course, you CAN invite whoever you want... HOWEVER, there might - not unexpectedly - be some natural consequences. Some of which might be more powerful/damaging than others.

The boy getting left out: He'll certainly know he's been left out, but will he use that opportunity to reflect on the reasons why, and modify his behaviour? Absolutely not. He'll just be upset and angry.
And what do bullies do, when they get upset and angry? They'll turn on someone. And that "someone" is very likely to be your son.
Yes, that's super-unfair, but is the truth, unfortunately.

I would discuss it further with you son. Explaining that he CAN invite whoever he likes, but does he realise that it might make BullyBoy's behaviour worse?
If it were me, I'd try and steer the party to more of perhaps a group of 10-15 he's closest with (I'm assuming a class of around 30).

It's so sad that we have to adapt our own wishes, to minimise potential damage by horrible people, but it's just a fact of society.

animaginativeusername · 10/01/2019 08:17

Definitely not invite the boy, hopefully he and parents realise that bullying has consequences. Definitely invite the rest of the class. Inviting him will only endorse his bad behaviour.

speakout · 10/01/2019 08:27

does he realise that it might make BullyBoy's behaviour worse?

Nice piece of victim blaming there.

hiddeneverythin · 10/01/2019 08:29

Don't invite the bully. I did similar with my wedding and my team at work - one girl was truly awful to me and I didn't invite her but I invited everyone else

Sirzy · 10/01/2019 08:30

Moving away from this particular case though perhaps if more time was spent looking at the motivations and history behind the bullying behaviour and working to tackle and support then bullying could be tackled from both sides.

To ignore the fact that often circumstances beyond their control lead someone into becoming a bully does a disservice to both bully and victim.

(That’s not to say they shouldn’t be punished but punishment alone rarely changes behaviour long term when the issue is deeper)