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Original poster

DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

310 replies

Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 12:50

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/01/2019 08:38

To ignore the fact that often circumstances beyond their control lead someone into becoming a bully does a disservice to both bully and victim.

But it's not the victim's responsibility to save the bully.
By all means, accept an apology. Definitely accept friendship if offered in good will and behaviour is friendly.
But have firm boundaries that can include excluding if behaviour is threatening or violent.

speakout · 10/01/2019 08:40

It's so sad that we have to adapt our own wishes, to minimise potential damage by horrible people, but it's just a fact of society.

But we strive not to adapt and let bullies win surely.

Say we are having a party as an adult. We work with a team of 15 people all are friends except one who makes our life a misery, bullies us and forever back biting.
Do we

a) Invite them all anyway including the bully so she does not feel left out
c) Leave 5 of our friends out and the bully so the bully does not feel bad
c) Invite the people we do like and don't invite the bully.

We do c, because people don't like bullies.
And because we stand up for ourselves, we stand up for what is right and we don't want bullies to win.

Blablaa · 10/01/2019 08:44

Not the same but similar things in the past resulted in me as a young child deciding I hated my parents for not taking my side and minimising my experiences. At the time i genuinely didn’t know if I would ever get over my hate for them. Yes I’m well over it now but it just made my childhood that bit more difficult and it’s something you remember. So think about that before you make your 10 y/o invite his bully to his birthday party.

MsTSwift · 10/01/2019 08:46

Surely if history teaches us anything it’s that appeasement doesn’t work Grin

MsTSwift · 10/01/2019 08:48

Indeed. Putting the feelings of a random kid, a random kid that purposefully harms your own child over the feelings of your own child on their flipping birthday, sorry but surely that is utterly shit parenting.

speakout · 10/01/2019 08:58

I don't think it's good parenting to teach children we must appease bullies.

speakout · 10/01/2019 09:01

I do agree that the OP needs to do more to tackle the situation.

It can be escalated.
Teacher
Headteacher
Board of Governers
LA.

I speak as someone who was bullied at school, as a parent of a child who was bullied and as an ex school governor.

The OP needs to demand action.

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2019 09:03

I don't think it's good parenting to teach children we must appease bullies

Absolutely. But according to some that's not "professional" eh. It's just rather striking that some posters here still haven't mentioned the victims of the bullying and the effects bullying can and does have on children.

Helix1244 · 10/01/2019 09:31

I could be wrong but the bully child could be 9.4yo only. And the stones incident has already happened so could have been quite a bit younger. Though clearly before this age they would know it was dangerous.
Kids arent that forgiving.
Some kids honestly do just like annoying people and there isnt a lot parents or schools can do about that.

Lweji · 10/01/2019 09:33

Surely if history teaches us anything it’s that appeasement doesn’t work

Exactly! Grin

speakout · 10/01/2019 09:36

Some kids honestly do just like annoying people and there isnt a lot parents or schools can do about that.

Such a shocking attitude.

Bullying is a serious problem- can lead to MH problems and even suicide.

Minimising bullying is the worst strategy of all.

mothertruck3r · 10/01/2019 09:51

Victims of bullying should not be forced to have their abusers at their birthday parties.

^This.

shitholiday2018 · 10/01/2019 09:56

Speakout - on your last point we both agree. I absolutely agree that if this is a genuine one sided bullying situston, then the OP needs to make the school address it.

The only thing is, ime, lots of parents use the term bullying when it doesn’t mean that. One sided accounts turn into two sided accounts where bad behaviour is on both sides. I’ve dealt with parents who have no concept that their kids could do things that I have witnessed, a total blind spot in relation to their children. And the term ‘turned his friends against him’ always rings alarm bells because it usually means a single child unfairly being held responsible for the actions of many. Group bullying is just that. If a group is being mean, it isn’t group responsibility, not that of a single child.

Some kids are bullies who need help addressing their behaviour. Some kids are just victims who need help in defending themselves. And most kids sit on a spectrum in the middle, capable of both kind and cruel behaviour. All the kids need help addressing these issues, from school, as well as parents.

A lot of parents who complain about bullying behaviour find out that their children are not squeaky clean. Some are prepared to accept that. Some continue to think the sun shines out of their child’s arse and that’s equally unhealthy for the development of that child. Parents must approach the school and insist on intervention, but similarly must be open to hearing that there are two sides to the majority of stories.

shitholiday2018 · 10/01/2019 09:57

*That should read it IS group responsibility

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2019 09:58

but similarly must be open to hearing that there are two sides to the majority of stories

Absolute rubbish. And at the core of victim blaming.

Slightlycoddled · 10/01/2019 10:02

Rushed this morning but couldn't help noticing that those who most stridently condemn unkind behaviour on here are the first to call those with an opposing view "snowflakes" or "virtue signallers". [But I suppose name-calling doesn't count.]

Laguna Believe me, I know all about being bullied and it's long-term effects. I was regularly chased at my grammar school in the seventies by packs of girls who gave me "the bumps" on hard concrete because I had the wrong accent. It went on for months. That's not something you easily forget.

I still happen to hold an opposing view to you (if that's ok).

And I would never ever favour a bully above my own child, and take exception to that suggestion.

As previously mentioned, it was possible to invite everyone to my daughter's parties (with trouble-makers supervised one-on-one so there was NO opportunity for them to misbehave). My daughter had a great time and everyone enjoyed themselves. The situation at school improved afterwards too. So it is possible to take a more measured approach. After all, these are 10 year olds we are talking about, not hardened adult criminals.

Speaking of criminals, wrt points made down thread: the most common age of criminal responsibility in Europe is 14 yrs btw. The UK (excluding Scotland) along with Switzerland are pretty unusual in setting it as as low as ten.

shitholiday2018 · 10/01/2019 10:06

Laguna, and you wonder why I can’t say with some certainty that you don’t work with children? And a good thing too! Your view is both polarised and grossly unreasonable.

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2019 11:03

Again you have no clue what I do for a living and I have no intention of telling you. My view is grossly polarised and unreasonable? Just because I happen to think more about the victims of bullying than the bullies? If that's your definition then I'm happy to be unreasonable. There are not always 2 sides to every story. If you truly believe that then you are doing the victims of bullies a gross disservice. But that doesn't surprise me.

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2019 11:07

Slightly coddled I haven't called anyone any names and if course you are entitled to your view, we all are. You can take exception all you like but inviting a bully to your child's party is putting the bullies feelings first. 10 year olds can still be nasty and make other children's lives a misery. And they grow up to be adults exactly the same.

Slightlycoddled · 10/01/2019 11:25

I haven't called anyone any names
I didn't say you had, your name is mentioned after that paragraph. Others have however.

Inviting a bully to your child's party is putting the bullies feelings first
Again I take exception to this. Thank you for giving me permission to do so!

With respect, having actually hosted these parties, and knowing the children concerned and the context, I think that I am in a better position to judge the circumstances. I would never put the feelings of a bully above my own child. I made sure that all the children were in a situation where they could have a good time.

10 year olds can still be nasty and make others children's lives a misery
Of course they can, it would be naieve to think otherwise. But they were prevented from doing so while under my roof. And their behaviour towards my DD was better at school after the party.

And they grow up to be adults exactly the same
All of them grow up to be exactly the same? How do you know?

Karigan195 · 10/01/2019 11:27

If you had stopped at just doesn’t like him I’d be answering that he should invite him however throwing stones and bullying is another matter. Your son deserves to feel safe and have fun at his own party. The bully should not be there

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2019 11:33

Again I take exception to this. Thank you for giving me permission to do so!

I don't need to give you permission to write what you want Confused... it was you that said you held an opposing view to mine and then said (if that's OK), just replying to that.

Adults bullies don't just wake up one day and bully other people. The roots of their behaviour lies in their own childhood. My statement refers to children bullies growing up into adult bullies. And I'm glad it worked out OK for your DD. Other children aren't so fortunate and childhood bullying can have life long effects on their mental health.

FuckingYuleLog · 10/01/2019 11:39

I would do a smaller party tbh. No way is the child great friends with everyone other member of the class.

FuckingYuleLog · 10/01/2019 11:44

Just read your updates op and think you’ve made the right call.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2019 11:51

I am glad op has found a neutural ground, she absolutely does not have to invite her sons bully to his party, and therefore is having a small party instead. The amount of appeasing and excusing the bullies on here, are shocking, with very little mentioned of the victim and the impact of this on them.

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