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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

310 replies

Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 12:50

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 09/01/2019 13:15

So your ds is best friends w everyone else in the class but not this 1 boy? And you are 100% sure your ds is blameless in this 1 boy's treatment of him?

Sounds like the perfect opportunity for a half class party to me. I certainly wouldnt invite the other boy though.

Grumpbum123 · 09/01/2019 13:19

I’d not hesitate to leave him out, at 10 years old the child should understand consequences be horrible then there’s consequences to be had

giggly · 09/01/2019 13:22

Wow how come this boy has been so quickly labelled a bullySad yes there have clearly been bad behaviour that your son has experienced but has anyone considered hat there may be reasons for this?
I’m with your DH it will be incredibly cruel to leave one child out. I doubt for a minute that all the other dc invited are wee angels all the time.
Make a stance op and include him and maybe he will get a chance to show he’s not all bad. What a lesson to teach your son that bad behaviour doesn’t always mean people get excluded.

secretmetoo · 09/01/2019 13:23

I think your DS May be just as bad as the other boy.

Original poster
Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 13:23

He gets on with everyone else, of course he has a few he's closer to and usually he does something with one or two friends but this year he wants a proper party. He doesn't seem to be trying to seek revenge, he seems more worried about what might happen if the child comes

OP posts:
BIgBagofJelly · 09/01/2019 13:23

No you definitely can't do that. If this boy is genuinely a bully have you been in to school to tackle the problem? If not then the likelihood is there's some level of fault on both sides. We all hear our child's side of the story and this boy probably has done some nasty things to your son but are you sure your son is blameless? Since almost no one has all class parties at age 10 it sounds like your son might be doing this deliberately to get at this boy which could be construed as bullying in itself.

If this boy is such a big problem I would be very proactive in sorting out the issues between them not exacerbating them.

Consolidatedyourloins · 09/01/2019 13:24

Really wrong to invite your child's bully to his party. Prioritise son over bully. Goood lesson for bully.

Marcipex · 09/01/2019 13:24

I think whole class parties are unusual by age 10, which makes me think your son wants the point to be made.
I don't think he's wrong though. Why invite a bully? Just because he's the only one? If the class had two bullies would you ask them both? I wouldn't.

MoreCheeseDear · 09/01/2019 13:25

He's old enough to decide who he wants at his party. Don't force him to invite someone he doesn't like.

fleshmarketclose · 09/01/2019 13:25

I wouldn't allow my child to exclude one child. I would offer whole class including the child or half the class comprising of those he is closest to. It doesn't reflect well on your son and shows a nasty streak tbh to deliberately exclude one child from a whole class. I think you need to step in.

1forAll74 · 09/01/2019 13:25

Your son does not want this naughty child at his party, and I wouldn't either, Its a ll bit snow flakey to worry about what all other people might think about this.

Username12345 · 09/01/2019 13:26

The bully needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Slightlycoddled · 09/01/2019 13:27

You are never going to get agreement on a thread like this as everyone has opposing strongly held opinions.

I'm of the old-fashioned view that you invite everyone and to leave one child out would be very unkind. There are always one or two "live wires" at parties and I always recruited older boys (sixth form/ university age) to "mark" these children one-on-one (for a small fee!) so they were never allowed to get out of hand and didn't disrupt the proceedings.

Yes, parties are meant to be a treat for the birthday child, but they are also about providing a lovely time for your guests too. And the world isn't all butterflies and fairies. Home should be a safe place, but it's also about learning to be kind, taking the higher moral road (not just automatically doing to others what they do to you) and with support from adults being inclusive.

Sirzy · 09/01/2019 13:28

What have school said about this bullying?

BIgBagofJelly · 09/01/2019 13:28

Why are you all so certain this kid's a bully? By the sound of it OP isn't even convinced he's a bully as if she was she would be straight into school to tackle it. Just as likely they both don't get on and DS is using the party to tack a dig at this boy.

MatildaTheCat · 09/01/2019 13:28

There’s a lot of difference between doing an activity with a couple of friends and a whole class party. Could you set the limit to a certain number? By 10 most children aren’t that friendly with their whole class bar one.

Singlenotsingle · 09/01/2019 13:28

How about if the child gets invited but only on condition his mum comes as well to keep an eye on him? You can explain that they don't get on... If your DS doesn't invite this boy, the boy might do the same thing when his turn comes for a party!

Oblomov19 · 09/01/2019 13:30

You don't have to invite a child he doesn't like.
BUT whole class apart from this one said child is TOTALLY unacceptable.

Besides he can't be friends with all 30. Nigh on impossible.
Narrow it down to say 20, or his 15 closest, and then missing out this one boy won't be an issue will it?

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 09/01/2019 13:30

I would never invite someone my child didn't like to their party. I'd happily not invite this child. I would feel awful having him be the only one left out though so it'd be a smaller party. It's not fair on your DS either way really.

INeedanInterestingUsername · 09/01/2019 13:32

Has anyone spoken to the bully child? His parents? The school about the bullying? Has the child been told to stop bullying your son?

If conversations have been had and the boy is still bullying your son then no, I don't see a problem in inviting everyone except the bully and I would be very clear why that specific child had not been invited. I agree with pp, there are consequences for bully and the child (and his parents) need to realise that.

I was bullied as a child. It was horrible and I spent the better part of my childhood trying to get away from the kid. I can't imagine my parents forcing me to invite that child to my party.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2019 13:32

he seems more worried about what might happen if the child comes

You can easily reassure him about that. Have someone watch the kid like a hawk.
Does that child have any friends?

Original poster
Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 13:33

I've spoken to the school countless times over the years. They've spoken to him and separated them as much as possible but said last year there's only so much they can do and pretty much told DS to get on with it so I stopped going to them about it after that

OP posts:
2kidsand1cat · 09/01/2019 13:34

At home we also had a similar situation once. I suggested my child to invite less kids/half of the class and only the closest friends. We sent cupcakes to school to share with everyone. It worked fine for us.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/01/2019 13:36

I would not invite him myself. At ten, the other child is old enough to know right from wrong, and its your sons birthday, he should have the friends there that he wants, not children he doesn't want.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 09/01/2019 13:36

Your ds can invite whoever he/you allow him to invite. Personally I would certainly not make any of my children invite someone who is essentially bullying them to their special occasion, whether it be a birthday party, first communion, Bar Mitzvah or other special thing.

As for arguments like 'your son needs to learn to be the bigger person' or 'it's not fair' etc. What is fair about the other child throwing stones at your child, what is fair about him effectively being rewarded for his behaviour by being invited?

The other boy isn't being ' the bigger person', your ds doesn't have to invite him to his party to be the bigger person, he just doesn't need to retaliate or bully the boy to be the bigger person. The other boy is old enough to learn that there are consequences for his actions, he should already know this by the age of 9 or 10.

Let's say your dh works in a team of 10 people. Dh and 9 others, working in a team for say 5 years. Over those years it has turned out one employee is a massive bully and spoils everything, but the other 9 have become good friends. If there was a special anniversary/celebration/new baby etc it is likely the other 9 people would like to party/go to the pub for a celebration etc without the bully. If your dh was the bully, would he expect an invitation? If you or your children were the bullies, would you expect invitations to everything?

I would not want a child going to my ds's party with a track record like this child's, especially if it was in my own home. It would be likely he would spoil your ds's special day.

But, if you don't invite the boy, it might be diplomatic to not make it obvious he is the only one not invited. E.g. give out the invitations over 3 or 4 days so it can be done more discretely, maybe ds could quietly say to not mention it out loud when giving them out as not everyone is getting an invitation etc.