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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

310 replies

Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 12:50

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 09/01/2019 14:20

I would opt for a smaller party with only half a dozen schoolfriends, or invite the entire class.I definitely wouldn't exclude one solitary child.

LagunaBubbles · 09/01/2019 14:21

ten year old displaying this behaviour (if indeed he is)needs help, not further ostracisation

When your child wants to kill themselves because another child has made them feel so low about themselves then no I don't give a flying fuck that the other child needs "help". This is my experience, sick to death of bullies getting more sympathy on here at times than the victims at times because they need "help" and have "problems".

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/01/2019 14:22

At school I was invited to some parties and not others - thats the way of the world, get over it.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 14:22

Just have a smaller party op, your ds does not have to invite somebody who bullies him, yes he does. For those posters saying that op son feels bullied, not he does not feel bullied he IS bullied. Throwing stones, being nasty, are all bullying behaviour. At this rate, the boy is not going to be liked by anyone, fault of the parent's really, who encouraged this behaviour in him.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 14:24

Meant, no he does not!

Drogosnextwife · 09/01/2019 14:26

I would go for a smaller party instead of he full class.
If you invite the bully it means putting ypur ds in a horrible position on his birthday. It's bad enough spending a full week at school with a bully (I would know) certainly wouldn't want them at my birthday, plus it validates his behaviour and let's him believe he has won and is getting away with his shitty behaviour.
Don't invite the bully it will probably cause more problems for your ds at school.

Drogosnextwife · 09/01/2019 14:29

When your child wants to kill themselves because another child has made them feel so low about themselves then no I don't give a flying fuck that the other child needs "help". This is my experience, sick to death of bullies getting more sympathy on here at times than the victims at times because they need "help" and have "problems".

^this with bells on. This was me. I used to make myself physically sick to try and get days of school just to get a break from it. Most of the time bullies are actually just entitled little shits that feel good having power over another human being, my bully was. I still know her and there was nothing in her life worse than anyone else's.

shitholiday2018 · 09/01/2019 14:30

Laguna - I’m sorry about your child but you are projecting, thankfully that is not the position for the OP.

OP - you say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You can see in his parents where he gets it from. Don’t you feel sorry for him, at least a little bit? His behaviour seems to be due to how he is being raised. By all means, don’t invite him, but for gods sake don’t make the poor child’s life any worse than you suggest it may already be. Do a smaller party, with just your child’s real friends. Don’t use your child’s birthday as a stick to beat someone who is already down.

GabsAlot · 09/01/2019 14:31

have u ever formally discussed this bullying with the school if yes, then no dont invite him if not it hasnt got to a serious stage yet and noone will know what hes supposed to have done

GabsAlot · 09/01/2019 14:34

sorry i didnt see your update-if the aschool are involved just leave him out youve tired to sort it out but it isnt working

Saracen · 09/01/2019 14:37

There is absolute no way your son is good friends with everyone in the class except this one boy. Therefore he is wanting to have a whole-class-minus-one party as a form of revenge. I can see the temptation, but you can't let him do it.

Tell him to have a smaller party to which he invites his actual friends.

mcmooberry · 09/01/2019 14:38

Totally understand why your son doesn't want the boy there and over my dead body would such a boy who has behaved like that be coming to my DS's party. However, there is equally no way on earth I would allow a whole class party bar one to ever go ahead.

NutElla5x · 09/01/2019 14:40

Cruel to invite the whole class bar one in my opinion,even if the left out one is a pain in the arse. Either try to convince your son to be the better person and hopefully kill this boy with kindness by inviting him (he may turn down the invite anyway), or cut down the number of invites you send out altogether.

museumum · 09/01/2019 14:40

Your son should not have to invite the bullying boy. But a whole class except one party is going to pour fuel on the fire and should not be allowed either.
Ask your son to choose ten children (assuming class is 20+) and have a fun party.

tinytreefrog · 09/01/2019 14:43

Gen shouldn't have to invite his bully, if they don't get on, then he shouldn't come. However unless you're sure that his behaviour isn't caused by an issue such as ADHD, ASD or a problem in his home life, I wouldn't invite the whole class.

If there are four or five not coming it won't seem like you're singling him out.

ADropofReality · 09/01/2019 14:43

OP - you say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You can see in his parents where he gets it from. Don’t you feel sorry for him, at least a little bit?

However sorry we might feel, all the same, it's not OP's responsibility to have to use her son's birthday party to make up for her son's bully's poor home life.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 09/01/2019 14:45

If this boy has been teasing and throwing stones at your son then no way should your son feel obliged to invite him. His party, his guests, his choice! And if the mother says anything you have a very good reason to give her.

ADropofReality · 09/01/2019 14:45

OP

Let's say the class has 30 kids, so if you went with your son's wishes you would be planning for a party for 29 kids (plus attendant adults).

In my family if a child was having a party for 29 other kids, the guest list would have expected to be:
Siblings
Cousins and second cousins of the same age (large extended family)
Close friends from Scouts/Guides or other clubs
Close friends from school

Could it be rearranged so it's still the same size party, but DS has to choose friends from school, not all but one?

BovrilOverkillOhMyInsides · 09/01/2019 14:48

My mum would invite the kids who bullied me so they weren't left out.

Needless to say, these kids made my life hell from the age of five to seventeen, by which time I was self harming and had a breakdown and had to be removed from sixth form.

Crack on with the inclusion of the bully if you fancy raising a kid who ends up like I did.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/01/2019 14:51

I totally disagree with inviting children who make your child's life harder than it needs to be to a party. Awful thing to do to your son.

BUT I also don't agree with leaving out only one or two from a whole class party - that is unkind, however awful the kid is to yours.

So I would tell your son that he needs to cut the party down to no more than 2/3 of the class size.

LagunaBubbles · 09/01/2019 14:54

Laguna - I’m sorry about your child but you are projecting, thankfully that is not the position for the OP.

Oh please I'm not projecting anything at all, I'm responding to the amount of sympathy here children who are bullies get from people who's child clearly hadn't been badly bullied. Children who are bullies grow up into adults who bully and there are plenty of them. The OP has described bullying behaviour towards her child. So yes it is the same. Bullying is bullying. And far too many children are suffering the effects because of attitudes you see here like oh don't leave the poor wee bully out.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/01/2019 14:57

You can't allow him to do that. That's out right bullying. Imagine if it was your son. I know you'll get people on saying "Oh it wouldn't bother me. They can't get invited to every party. However IRL any parent would be peeved if their child was singled out. You may find as well that if you do that the teacher won't hand the invites out as They can't excluded one child.

Gatehouse77 · 09/01/2019 14:57

Assuming he's in Y6 then I wouldn't invite him. They'll be moving on to secondary school (if you're in the UK) and most friendships change or move on.

Some lessons are hard to learn. Sometimes life is unfair.

BollocksToBrexit · 09/01/2019 14:57

When DD was a kid we had a similar situation. I said she had to invite the one boy she didn't like and who was mean to everyone. I'm glad she did in the end because during the party it was very apparent that this boy that this boy was socially 'lost'. It was actually quite sad to see. He was so obviously suffering.

RomanyRoots · 09/01/2019 15:01

it is difficult because it's not fair on a child to leave them out. But at 10 they aren't little and will be moving on in a few months time, maybe never seeing the boy again.
I don't think you should invite bullies, and another child shouldn't miss out so that the bully can go.
Smaller party? unusual for parties and whole class at this age.