Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

310 replies

Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 12:50

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

OP posts:
Artofhappiness · 09/01/2019 15:02

Yup, deliberately not inviting one child to a whole class party is a dreadful thing to do. Old school bullying at its most malign. Imagine how that child will feel when he realizes he’s the only one not invited? They’re children, it’s up to you to teach and lead by example. It’s also an opportunity to turn the relationship around and learn some mediation skills. Either a whole class party or a smaller group of specific friends.

speakout · 09/01/2019 15:06

I have done thae same OP.

No hesitation.

Invited the whole class except a boy who was making my son's life hell- bullying, spitting, kicking.

My son would nothave relaxed at his party if bully boy would have been there.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 09/01/2019 15:09

Can you delay invitations for a week or two but use the time to approach the parents about the difficulties the children are having? Then if you decide not to invite him, they will know why. Or if you do invite him, they may decline. OR maybe talking to them will actually help the situation between the children? Glitterball

Original poster
Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 15:09

To be fair it is quite a small class, only 20 students and I don't think it's unlikely that DS gets on and is friends with 19 kids in his class. The guests will include a few cousins and friends outside of school, I might suggest he invites maybe half the class, picking close friends and then has more of his friends from outside of school come if he wants a bigger party still

OP posts:
PopGoesTheWeaz · 09/01/2019 15:10

Alternatively I think you need to move to a smaller party - that all but one is really really cruel.

flowery · 09/01/2019 15:11

Anyone who threw stones at my child wouldn't be coming anywhere near my house or a party for my child.

And there's no way he won't know why he is not invited. Of course he will!

Generally I'd say whole class or go smaller, and going smaller may be the way if you think there may be an issue. But please don't force your child to invite someone who has bullied him and thrown stones at him to his birthday party.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 09/01/2019 15:11

As usual, lots of posters expect a child to behave at a higher standard than most adults.
If you are in a group of adults and one is making your life a misery would you really never invite the whole group except this one person??

Beeziekn33ze · 09/01/2019 15:14

With 20/30 Y5s what kind of party are you having? Will there be organised sport or activities with enough adults to keep an eye on the boy? That could work perhaps.Having about half the children seems a better idea.
The stone throwing needs dealing with by the school, don't accept 'if it happens after school it's not our responsibility'. A reasonable school should take it seriously.

Veganforlife · 09/01/2019 15:16

My boys have autism.they were frequently the only one not invited to a class party..they are not bullies ,just struggled with communication.we just shrugged and accepted it.it used to upset me at lot when they were small.

Beeziekn33ze · 09/01/2019 15:19

Sherbetty. Just seen your update, sounds sensible if your son accepts it. Inviting all except one child does sound like your son (understandably) wanting revenge and humiliation for the boy.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/01/2019 15:20

I cant believe we are still having this conversation. Surely your DS is entitled to have the children at HIS party that HE wants. You dont invite others that he doesnt want, why on earth would you?? I hope you dont invite this particular child and I hope your DS has a fab party!

AngelaSchrute · 09/01/2019 15:20

Normally I would agree with those saying it would be cruel to leave him out but what lesson would the OP teach her son by forcing him to invite a boy who throws stones at him?

This isn't just "I don't like him very much and we argue sometimes".

Kewcumber · 09/01/2019 15:27

Absolutely fine not to invite someone you don;t want. Not on to invite everyone except one person.

My son was often the one not invited. I'm sure the boys in his class convinced their parents DS was a bully so shouldn't be invited. I spent years trying to talk to school about the possibility that in fact it was DS that was being bullied and school lgave me the "oh he just over-reacts to the boys "teasing" him".

In year 6 we (DS and I) were called in to his form teacher and deputy head to be told that they had uncovered a concerted and long term campaign of exclusion (whistle blower in the boys ranks and a TA who observed an event and when questioned the boys closed ranks and lied about it being DS's fault when the TA had seen everything).

Bit too late for DS.

Just be a decent person and invite a smaller number rather than singling out one 10 year old.

Artofhappiness · 09/01/2019 15:28

That sounds like a really good solution Sherbetty!

ChristmasFairy2018 · 09/01/2019 15:29

Do what your son wants. If this were a trivial matter - friends last week/not friends now/friends again soon - it would be wrong. But being bullied for a long time is a different issue.
Also, the parents of the bully should be dealing with this and they will think it is all OK if you invite him.
Time to put your son's feelings first and the bully's second.

I8toys · 09/01/2019 15:30

No way would I exclude one - even a bully. I would rather invite less and than do this to one child.

icannotremember · 09/01/2019 15:35

Leaving one child out IS bullying behaviour. This makes the party, a celebration of your sons life, about being cruel to a child. Just no.

No. You're not getting this. If that one child has been bullying another child, it is NOT bullying or cruel not to invite them to their victim's party. Victims of bullying should not be forced to have their abusers at their birthday parties.

icannotremember · 09/01/2019 15:37

God, some of you have no fucking idea what it is like to be bullied- I hope to goodness your dc aren't bullied, because they will have a doubly shit time of it with parents who refuse to protect them. I need to hide this thread before I get angry.

iAMequal · 09/01/2019 15:40

It seems your son is already experiencing a lot of the real world in the problems he's facing. In the real world, adults don't invite people they don't like to their birthday parties. I think he should be allowed to not invite the bully.

speakout · 09/01/2019 15:40

No. You're not getting this. If that one child has been bullying another child, it is NOT bullying or cruel not to invite them to their victim's party. Victims of bullying should not be forced to have their abusers at their birthday parties.

Totally agree.

Lweji · 09/01/2019 15:42

You have a good solution, OP.

But I'd totally not invite just one if he was bullying me. And I'd never force my son to invite their bullies.

speakout · 09/01/2019 15:43

If I have a party I wouldn't invite a workmate who is abusive or bullying towards me.

Why should children have to suck it up.

Not being invited to events is a consequence of bullying others.

speakout · 09/01/2019 15:44

It's not up to the victim to rehabilitate the abuser.

MyTeaMouse · 09/01/2019 15:45

We are talking about children here. To label them as abusers is bizarre. So what becomes of this bully then? Shall we just lock him up and throw away the key. Do we think he has the home support he needs to understand why he's been excluded or does he just get angrier and more confused. He's a CHILD.

Lydiaatthebarre · 09/01/2019 15:46

To be honest it sounds as if your son wants to have a 'revenge' party against this unpleasant child. Totally understandable from a 10 year old, but as parents I wouldn't encourage it.