Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Original poster

DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

310 replies

Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 12:50

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

OP posts:

elephantinstripeysocks · 09/01/2019 13:37

something similar happened to my sister last year, so just wanted to "warn" you of the negative side.

My DN had this dilema. All girls in her class were lovely except one. Lets call her Megan. Megan was just a bitch to DN. All the other mothers in the class knew Megan as "that" child so it wasnt just my niece. When they went on the school residential trip they actually had other parents ringing up prior to it, removing their children from Megans room. Sister had been in to school many times regarding Megan's behaviour to niece. Teachers admitted it was Megan and not niece (this is relevant).

We had this debate at home about the party. BIL said not to exclude one child (as did i) but sister and DN overruled. Invites were given privately to every girl except Megan, out of school to their parents (to minimize a scene). Next thing DN comes home crying because Megan is being an even bigger bitch to her, about the party. When in Megan's company 2 other little girls are now saying "we're not going" despite RSVPing yes. Megan complains about party to teacher. Teacher drags DN over and asks her side of it. Teacher then says, in front of Megan, that DN is being very mean to leave one girl out and how would she feel if it were her.

DN came home distraught at being "told off" about it. Sister went in to speak to the head. Upshot was that head and the teacher had a meeting with her and both agreed it was basically bullying!!! My sister was basically enabling her daughter to bully a 10 year old girl. They said there was nothing they could do about it as it was all done off school property but they were very disappointed. They had also spoken to Megans mum about it (she came in to see them). Megans mum made sure the entire class mums knew about it by 3pm that day.

So if you do it please inform the teachers beforehand incase it causes issues.

RosemarysBabyDress · 09/01/2019 13:38

what bunch of snowflakes world do we live in that you must invite your bully? How ridiculous. Of course you can live a child out. Would you invite your boss from hell to your wedding?

That said, for the sake of peace and making it clear to everyone that you are bigger person and the victim, I would probably invite but request for parents to stay around, so there are enough adults presents.
with 10 year old, parents tend to drop them but you can absolutely request they stay. You never know, they might decline the invitation.

A 10 year old throwing stones to another child is a bully, what else do you call him?

Fink · 09/01/2019 13:40

At 10 I would think it very unlikely that everyone will be able to come. It's not like preschoolers, 10 year olds have numerous extra-curricular activities and clubs that may be at a semi-decent level and will probably take precedence over the party of a not-close friend. So first point - it most likely won't be everyone in the class except that one boy.

Second point, a 10 year old bully is deliberate and deserves to have consequences for his actions. Again, it's very different from the normal whole class party scenario with 5 year olds who might not know any better.

Ordinarily, I'd be part to the whole class or only a few, not 90% of the class. But when it's this age group I disagree, I think it would be fine to have all except one.

icannotremember · 09/01/2019 13:42

I would not expect my children to invite people who had bullied them to their parties, or to refrain from inviting people they wanted there so the bully did not feel 'left out'.
We have to teach our children that their consequences have actions. "Treat people badly and they won't want to spend time with you" is a fair message. Much fairer than "we will not protect victims of bullies and will insist they attend your birthday party as otherwise their feelings may be hurt".

If a teacher told my dc off for not inviting a child to a party I would make an appointment to discuss with them why the hell they thought that was an appropriate thing to do.

LagunaBubbles · 09/01/2019 13:43

All these people saying it's cruel to leave 1 child out and think of there may be reasons for any bad behaviour etc clearly haven't had their child bullied and tormented. 10 year old can be horrible bullies. Yes there may well be reasons but when it's your child who's life is being made a misery then reasons don't really matter. And what kind of message does inviting their bully to their party send our, that their feelings matter more?

Wheresthebeach · 09/01/2019 13:44

I'd keep track of the issues and start writing to the school - throwing stones etc needs to stop. Don't let them brush you off.

At this age, I'd invite everyone else, and have a nice time. Your DS doesn't need the stress. However, the bully will do the same to your DS and you may have to deal with his parents, and his, reaction. It won't go unnoticed.

MyTeaMouse · 09/01/2019 13:46

Leaving one child out IS bullying behaviour. This makes the party, a celebration of your sons life, about being cruel to a child. Just no. Your son can't be close to the whole class. Just invite his closest friends or invite everyone. If you invite everyone ask the boys parents to stay and explain why. It could build bridges.

NottonightJosepheen · 09/01/2019 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 09/01/2019 13:47

If this was a group of 30 people working together of 10 good friends, 19 other friends and one 'stone thrower' would you invite everyone to your wedding?

I would invite my 9 good friends to the whole thing, 19 others to the evening do, and leave the stone thrower to wallow in their pint of beer/g & t, wondering why they'd been left out.

chocatoo · 09/01/2019 13:49

Please don't leave one child out but do make sure that you have sufficient adults at the party to keep a lose eye on things.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/01/2019 13:50

I think it is very unkind to exclude one child, maybe go for a smaller party? I can't believe your ds is good friends with every other child in the class, so wanting to invite them all except this one child does look like he is deliberately trying to hurt their feelings (which is probably understandable, bit not good to encourage).

RosemarysBabyDress · 09/01/2019 13:50

maybe there would be less bullying problems if people stop considering the bully as the poor victim and were not afraid to tell of a child when he's being a little shit.

IncomingCannonFire · 09/01/2019 13:51

Allow your ds to have a nice happy birthday party where stones will not be thrown at him.

shitholiday2018 · 09/01/2019 13:52

We had this recently. My child only slightly younger. Firstly, I didn’t accept that the situation was 100 per cent the other child’s fault. There are always two sides to a story and I bear in mind that my child will only ever give one. And in my case, the situation doesn’t sound hugely dissimilar from yours, and yet I still keep in mind that I don’t always have the full story.

I told my child it was half or less of the class or all of them. I explained that doing differently would be doing exactly what my child was complaining of in the other child - unfair and unkind treatment. Whatever this child has done, they are still a child, they are not evil, they obviously have their own shit going on and they don’t deserve (no one deserves) that kind of singling out. It’s cruel. My child entirely accepted that and opted for a smaller party. I think everyone can learn a lesson from the situation, including my child, about how behaviour affects actions and how to be fair, whatever your perspective on how life has been unfair to you.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 09/01/2019 13:52

It’s your DS party and this kid bully’s him?! Of course you don’t invite him.

Pachyderm1 · 09/01/2019 13:53

Lots will defend this but I personally think it’s cruel. A smaller party or everyone is more fair.

Sirzy · 09/01/2019 13:54

I actually find it hard to believe a 10 year old doesn’t know exactly what they are doing by excluding just one child.

SuziQ10 · 09/01/2019 13:54

I know the 'right thing to do' would be to invite the child so as not to leave him out. But I wouldn't. Sorry. No one that's bullied my child would be welcome at a party I am providing.

I think you should consider the bullying that's gone on though...Was it full on bullying or a few disagreements etc because the two things are very different. Hope your DS has a lovely bday whatever you decide.

Ethel36 · 09/01/2019 13:55

It's his party..so its up to him. Why should someone that behaves badly get rewarded. Not only that but he might behave badly at the party..then what are you going to do?!

Jimpix · 09/01/2019 13:57

Wow how come this boy has been so quickly labelled a bully

giggly

The part where the op said this boy has always teased him, tried to turn his friends against him and thrown stones at him?? Sounds like bullying me to me 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Would you be happy to have this to happen to your dc?

Buntybearbess · 09/01/2019 13:58

My mam made me invite my bully to my birthday party, I understand why but I disagree with it. I was on edge the entire time and glad when it was over. Don’t do it, let your son decide for himself.

RosemarysBabyDress · 09/01/2019 13:59

Wow how come this boy has been so quickly labelled a bully

if throwing stones at another child is not enough, what do you think a bully needs to do to deserve the qualification?

LowbrowVictoriana · 09/01/2019 13:59

Only on MN would parents invite a child who bullies and throws stones at their child to their child’s own party.
“Be the bigger person” my arse. Why should a child tolerate being bullied, be nice to their bully and have no control over whether this child is allowed to ruin what should be a special day for them?

I do agree with others, though, that inviting all bar one will stand out a mile, and will be seen as you/ your son trying to make a point.
It would be better to invite fewer.

alphajuliet123 · 09/01/2019 13:59

Class party minus 5 or 6 kids = fine
Class party minus 1 = mean

Hidillyho · 09/01/2019 14:00

10 years old is old enough to know better. Yes, throwing stones at someone and teasing then repeatedly over a long period is bullying.
It might be because he has a crap upbringing however, you cannot prioritise this over your child. You cannot reinforce that the child’s feelings of being left out trump the feelings of a child who wants to feel safe.

OP, do you know if this child is like this because of his upbringing? Do you know if the school has discussed it with the other parents.

I don’t know if I would just exclude the 1 boy or if I would reduce the amount of kids. I wouldn’t be forcing my child to invite this child though

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13