DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

[Sherbetty]

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

It is unacceptable and not nice to leave one child out. Invite the whole class or have a smaller party, as in around ten children.

Teach him to be the bigger person. Also, it is unlikely that this child would tease your DS amongst all the excitement and activities of a party, especially with numerous adults including you there.

My ds is in year 11 now but we had a very similar situation when he was younger.

He started nursery at 3 and there was a little boy who used to hit everyone, spit, scratch etc. He was an absolute nightmare.

When the children went off to primary school ( nursery wasn't attatched to a school ) my ds ended up with one boy from his nursery going with him- the naughty one.

He pretty much made himself known from day one, was so naughty and was never invited to parties etc. He ended up moving near our house and came to knock for ds to play out with him. I started to get to know him and he was so troubled. Ds started to play out with him now and again and then he had a party and we invited the boy. Lots of other parents were shocked. He behaved impeccably. He just needed a chance.

They went to separate secondaries and we still see him now and again. At 13 he was diagnosed with ASD and some MH issues and is receiving support. Turns out too that he has some Issues stemming from his mum abandoning him as a toddler.

Please give the boy a chance. He may still be a little shit but at least your boy was the bigger person.

Leaving one child out isn’t bullying.

If my child was the one child left out due to their bullying behaviour, I’d welcome the chance to teach them about reaping what they sow.

Do any of you saying ‘don’t invite a bully’ appreciate that a) no one here has the full story, even the OP and b) a ten year old displaying this behaviour (if indeed he is)needs help, not further ostracisation.

Why does your DS want the whole class there? Is he really great friends with them all?

I think there’s a risk that he’s doing this to spite the ‘bully’ and I wouldn’t want to support that behaviour.

I think you need a chat with your DS and a smaller party

At 5 I would agree with your DH. But the boy is 10. Old enough to understand that his actions to this boy will have consequences.

We had a similar situation when my DS was in primary school.

DS wanted an all class party but there was one boy who was a bully and caused a lot of problems. That year almost all of the children had whole class parties including DS and the whole class was invited including the boy who caused all the problems. No one left him out. This child was watched though and when he started to be nasty he was told to stop.

I think excluding one child is very unkind and I agree with shitholiday2018 . It will also invariably cause more problems.

Either do a whole class party and invite everyone or do a smaller party.

I wouldn't under any circumstances tell my child they had to invite someone that was picking on them. I might say that there is likely a reason for that child's behaviour and why he is mean, but their own birthday isn't the time to sort it.

Where I am 10 year old parties are mega small so the whole class angle surprised me anyway.

Also agree with a pp about why he's doing it - is it just to leave that one person out? At 10 they are very much their own person and know who their friends are - does he really get on that well with everyone in his class?

I am not surprise the school acted as described by elephantinstripysocks. Excluding one child, where the parents are aware is adult on child bullying. I understand your ds is being treated badly and the school sounds incompetent. This is what you should be addressing and escalating to the governors if necessary rather than excluding just one child from a party.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Your ds doesn’t want to include this child. That’s fine. Tell him you totally support him on that. However as a grown up you cannot support excluding one child as that is very mean and could get him into trouble st school. As a result he will need to Make the party a little smaller. Up to 70% of the children in the class maybe? Eg all the boys bar this one and half the girls.

You say it could have repercussions - and that means (imo) that your child needs guidance on this. Either he has a smaller party or he invites everyone (though you could offer to stalk the offending child to ensure he causes no problems at the party). It isn't in his best interests to leave this one child out - no matter whether he deserves it or not. Help him to see the bigger picture.

Your son should not have to invite a child that bullies him to his party - it's his birthday and his feelings should come first. I would question however why he is inviting absolutely all of the class, and therefore just leaving one child out. At that age kids tend to have quite strong friendship groups and inviting all of the class seems a bit unnecessary, and it makes it seem like he - or you - are doing this to make a point. Whilst I agree that bullying should have consequences I don't think using a party invite as some kind of punishment or revenge is appropriate and could potentially result in further issues. As an adult, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving one child out. If it were me, I would suggest that he just invites his 'buddies' - they are more likely to want to come anyway.

Every other time this excluding one child from a party issue comes up, it's about younger children. Ten year olds don't really have whole class parties, as it's no longer about bouncy castles, entertainers and pass the parcel. Usually parties for this age group have a formula of a few children - close friends of the birthday child - doing an activity like cinema + pizza/MacDonalds, sleepover, things like that. That type of celebration is more expensive so numbers are limited.

Why does your son want a whole class party? It just seems a bit off, and for that reason I feel a pp is possibly right in suggesting your dc wants that just so they can exclude the nasty boy...

And if a kid at my dc's school was throwing stones at him, I would be up there at school complaining each and every bloody time, until they HAD to do something about it in order to not have me coming in any more. If you stop bothering them about it, it's easier for them to ignore it.

As adults we would not expect to invite another adult who bullies us, and yet children are expected to put up with this shit.
If I had been made at 10 to invite a child who bullied me, I would have refused to attend my own birthday party.

I always found that much smaller birthday celebrations were the thing by that age. It tackles that sort of problem too, without appearing mean. I didn't do whole of class parties beyond reception anyway, and by age ten the friendship groups were fairly settled for the time being.

You are presumably funding the party, so surely you could steer him towards a smaller gathering?

If your son doesn't get on with him and doesn't want him there then don't invite him.

Yes it's rubbish for the child, but children need to learn that they can't treat people like crap and still expect to be friends with them.

menztoray

As adults we would not expect to invite another adult who bullies us, and yet children are expected to put up with this shit

You are talking about adults not children and adults don't usually have "whole class parties". Excluding one child is very unkind. There could be many reasons for his behaviour.

I think it's a mean thing to do. And I understand your son has feels bullied, but to me what you are teaching him is that it's perfectly ok to treat another person badly.

I don't have many party rules for my Dd, but the big one is that there is not only 1 person not invited in a class because then that behaviour is as bad as the bully's by deliberately excluding 1 person.

If he doesn't want the whole class to come, then he should have a smaller party.

What would you think if the other boy had an all class party but didn't invite your son? How would you feel about it, and the rest of the class talking and being excited while he felt left out?

Actually I think even adults would need to invite the dislikes person. If you are organising a celebration for a large team at work it is not ok to not invite one person. It’s bullying and cruel, even if they are dreadful.

If man-marking can’t work then find a way to shrink the party - otherwise you are teaching kids that it is ok to be a bully as long as you feel like a victim (which may be totally true in this case, but won’t be true every time he feels like a victim in the future, assuming he is a human like most of us!)

Your child should not invite a bully, he is 10 not 5 fgs, he should not have to be the 'bigger person', what a load of crap. However encourage him to have a smaller party. If this boy carries on being nasty, nobody will want to invite him to any parties or be his friend, so he had better start learning.

I don't understand why people think that by excluding this child he will miraculously reform and "learn his lesson"? I would have thought the opposite is more likely; that he will become more angry and disruptive.

By being at the party (while being heavily monitored) you may get to meet his parents, learn a bit about him, see what is going on. It turned out that my school bully was hit by her father (a gp believe it or not) with a stick on a regular basis. At the age of ten she therefore thought it was an entirely normal and reasonable thing to do to others.

OP, do you know if this child is like this because of his upbringing? Do you know if the school has discussed it with the other parents
Honestly I can see where he's learnt this behaviour from knowing what his parents are like. The school have spoken to them but they seem to think their son can do no wrong. It may seem like I'm blaming everything on the other child but knowing my son's personality and how I've raised him he wouldn't retaliate towards him or provoke this behaviour. If he had I imagine the child would speak to someone about it which he hasn't

I went to a whole class party at 10 that was a disco in a hired hall.

As adults we would not expect to invite another adult who bullies us, and yet children are expected to put up with this shit

Except you wouldn’t organise a whole team lunch at work, and leave out one person in the team would you?

Or a netball/football social and leave out one person?

Unfortunately schools are not always good at dealing with persistent bullying. Case in point, there’s a kid in my child’s class, now Y6, who has exhibited similar behaviour since reception class. His parents always have some excuse or other but the bottom line is, he’s had support from school, “restorative justice” sessions every time an incident happens (weekly at least), he has no SEN and just chooses to be nasty to whoever is his target at the time. The bottom line is, school won’t exclude him because that will affect their already poor OFSTED rating, so he knows he can do as he pleases.
Over half the Y6 boys are not going on the residential trip because of him, and yet school do nothing, his parents don’t care what he does to other children - unless of course he isn’t invited to something then they’re at school straight away.

But by deliberately excluding only him he is retaliating and provoking.

Are full class parties common in his class?