What, if life was like tv and films, should you never do?

[Wineandpyjamas]

Not really an AIBU but I had an errant thought that if life was like tv shoes and films I would never own a dog or go running/jogging as more than likely I’d discover a dead body.

Has anyone got any more?

@tolerable - mighty boost??? I’d nearly completely forgotten about coconut joe

Mighty *boosh! Stupid phone

When out and about, be aware of random groups seemingly preoccupied with some trivial task as they can spontaneously break out into a group dance routine usually involving props of some kind. Think road sweepers with brooms, etc.

You will never be inconvenienced by the said dance and will smile and possibly join in having magically learned the routine by watching for all of 3 seconds. You may even introduce new moves you didn't think you was capable of, like back flips and splits.

There may be a random annoyed person who will aggressively honk his horn and mount the kerb (knocking over the flower seller's stall) to get round the dancing group. No worries, the aggressive honker will come to a bad end, possibly getting the front of his car stuck in a huge hay bale dropped from a passing tractor, inevitably with steam/smoke coming out of his engine.

Never ever say “I’ll be right back”

If you find your car has been damaged by an inconsiderate driving, don't call the police or get the licence number. Simply shake your fist at the driver speeding away.

If you are a career criminal planning one last job before you go straight, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES tell anyone that this is your last job. Not your mates, your spouse, or even yourself in the mirror. Instead, refer to this as 'merely another episode in my ongoing life of crime!' This should get you to the Costa De Sol with no problems.

If you suddenly hear random light hearted music go and hide under the nearest table otherwise you may find yourself swept up in a montage of instagram like scenes. This will usually involve a picnic, holding hands and walking by a river or around a park, play fights, sweet cooking or decorating fails and ice skating (which you will be rubbish at for 10 seconds before gliding round effortlessly with your partner). The reason to hide is although the montage will be delightful it will immediately be followed by a breakup, freak accident or revelation of a secret/betrayal/misunderstanding that puts paid to any further picnics for the forseeable (but it’s ok, it will usually work out in the end).

I would never go into a room without a light on and not look behind the door as you go in.
I would also never tell someone “you go this way and I’ll go that way”.

Never buy a doll of any description

Never hire a nanny/babysitter/any sort of help as they will kill you/your children/kidnap your child/steal your husband/make you realise that they and in fact you, are dead.
Never go camping
Never stay in a hotel
Never be home alone. Or in fact with a group of friends.
Never get married/give birth/Or insert significant event here it will end in tragedy

unless there is a cake shop in the darkness, you run the other fucking way. Surely.

LOL!

Also - when being pursued in a busy shopping mall, I would be careful NEVER to run away from the brightly-lit, densely populated shops into the dark, empty car park.

If you're really nice, don't have a twin. The other one is always a villain.

Don't waste money on cosmetics - you will wake every morning with perfect hair and makeup, especially if lying next to a man

Be in a film with Sandra Bullock...she seems to attract end of the World mess...

Never travel anywhere, ever, with Tom Hanks

This is my favourite!

If you have committed the perfect murder and you’re confident you’ve just about gotten away with it, FGS never let that scruffy, weird, useless detective Lt Columbo investigate the case, then nearly leave a room - thereby giving him a chance to come back and say: “Just one more thing.”

Never fight with someone and turn your back on them unless you know 100% that they are actually dead. Completely.

If someone warns you of an end-of-the-world type scenario, no matter how improbable it sounds, never dismiss them as an absolute fruitcake.

Never ever conduct a session with a ouija board as a ‘bit of fun’ - it will not be fun. At the very least you will end up with at least one demon haunting you and/or your house and family. It will end badly for everyone, particularly children.

If you live in soapland never worry about your job infringing on your personal life. You will spend barely anytime in your workplace and lots of time in the pub/café/neighbours houses being involved in all the local drama.

If you fancy a nice relaxing holiday in the Caribbean, don’t go to the island of Ste Marie.

If circumstances compel you to join forces with someone you can’t stand, don’t worry about not being able to contact them - despite your mutual hatred, you will have their number stored in your phone and vice versa, allowing your enemy to snatch it up and answer with an incredulous ‘What the hell do you want?!’

If you’re gay, you needn’t bother looking beyond your own street for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Someone else gay will move into the street soon after you come out and you will mutually fall in love, regardless of whether you have anything in common other than your sexuality. Should you split up, one or both of you may get chatted up by a non-neighbour on a night out at the local gay bar (that you’ve never been to before), but this will be a mere diversion until you realise true love is all about the postcode.

I would never say the words "this is going to be the best Christmas Albert Square has ever seen!"

If you fancy a nice relaxing holiday in the Caribbean, don’t go to the island of Ste Marie
LOL (ps; new series starting tonight)

If you fancy a nice relaxing holiday in the Caribbean, don’t go to the island of Ste Marie

Unless you are black, only one black person per series dies and they are a local, you will be fine.

Or a lizard, in which case you will be the longest living lizard ever.

Never observe the normal rules of physics.

Gravity works differently for you and you will be able to make that impossible leap round the corner of the building that you’re climbing, onto the teeny tiny ledge - just get on with it. Also time works differently. You really can run up 18 flights of stairs, jimmy the lock on the room, disarm the nuclear device and find a suitable hiding place (from the government agency who are pursuing you because they mistakenly think you are the baddie, but you can under no circumstances just explain anything to anyone) in under three minutes.

Never marry a maverick ex-commando, especially if you are the love of his life, saved him from his demons and gifted him with the most perfect child in the universe. Neither you or the child will make the movie, if you’re lucky you’ll be a bent up photo in his wallet that will get lost, destroyed and/or used to emotional break him when the Russian/Chinese cartel that killed you, ( but haven’t got the sense to just kill him; the highly trained, doesn’t follow the rules, can dodge machine gun bullets dude) and are torturing him whilst revealing their dastardly plan.