What, if life was like tv and films, should you never do?

[Wineandpyjamas]

Not really an AIBU but I had an errant thought that if life was like tv shoes and films I would never own a dog or go running/jogging as more than likely I’d discover a dead body.

Has anyone got any more?

Never date a man in a suit - he will be a workaholic and never have any fun with you / hates your only child / has nefarious plans on the real estate that your family owns.
Only date the grumpy man wearing jeans and a plaid shirt who has never left your hometown - that's the only sure way to find a heart-of-gold, salt-of-the-earth guy.

Never assume all aliens are nice and will want to be friends. Even the tiny cute looking ones. The minute you turn your back they’ll be sucking your insides out like a Dyson on speed.

Storage warriors. The cinematic perfection of (a young`) Harrison Ford co-starring with Marie Kondo...

Definitely don’t have a back door with a glass panel in it and leave the key in the lock when you go to bed at night.

When you come in at night to an empty house TURN THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON! Not just the fiddly little ones on the other side of the room, but the BIg Light just as you come in. (This really upsets me).

If you are about to tell someone something very important, especially if it relates to suspicions you have about a third party, do not allow a spurious interruption to throw you. Do not utter the words “Never mind, it’ll keep”.

If on Eastenders, do not deliver bad news to someone standing anywhere near a table or mantelpiece festooned with breakables. As soon as they are left alone they will let out a roar and sweep the whole sodding lot to the floor.

I would definitely not sleep with my step relatives and not know who is the father of my children, nor would I have stray children turning up twenty years or more after the event, nor murder anyone.

Don't take the lift!... at worst you will get stuck, plummet to your death, get trapped with zombies/a demon/a serial killer/man eating shark/in purgatory and at best you will get your groove on but a perv will probably be watching you on camera.

ipswich

THIS>>>

When you come in at night to an empty house TURN THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON! Not just the fiddly little ones on the other side of the room, but the Big Light just as you come in. (This really upsets me).

I would never go to sleep with my pillows lying flat like a normal person, but always sleep weirdly and uncomfortably with my pillows propped upright, so my head must surely be at an angle that would cause severe neck ache. Just watch. Any bed scene. The pillows are always propped up unnaturally.

Oh and I would never ever pick anything up - suitcase, coffee cup - in a manner that suggests there is something actually in it. No. I would swing even the biggest suitcase round as if it were completely empty and simply a prop. Which of course it is.

If you’re adopted and trace your birth mother, you will either quickly bond with her, begin calling her Mum and forget your adoptive parents ever existed, or concea your identity to infiltrate her family and gain their trust before exacting a hideous revenge on them. On no account can you spend time getting to know them and develop a relationship with them that does not overtake that you have with your adoptive family.

I would never adopt a child because it is likely that it has been cursed by somebody and will start murdering my family/everybody in my village/everybody who watched a movie with a ring.
Sorry to all adoptive parents but this is the plot of so horror movies.

Never sit at the top of a double decker bus on my own at night in a case a psychopath slithers along the floor coming towards me to kill me....(shouldn't have watched Luther- it freaked me out!)
Never let Jessica Fletcher enter our neighbourhood or else there'll be murder!!

Would never go to another planet to steal plans for a huge sphere in space, which destroys planets with a laser.
Because it's going to end badly

Never go on a yacht. It will break down, or blow up, there will be a horrendous storm or you will be attacked by sharks.

In fact never go in the sea at all. You will likely die. only half joking, DP spends his entire time in the sea petrified of being eaten by sharks as he's watched too many movies

Never let someone else 'go first' in a conversation. Ever.

If you have committed some dastardly act and now have the one person who could stand in the way of you getting off Scot free at your mercy, resist the temptation to fully and completely answer the question “So, Fleas, before you kill me, exactly how DID you manage to conceal the crime?”

If you want to talk to someone in private move ten feet away from everyone else (usually next to the fridge) and tell them in your normal voice. No one will hear.

If someone is hammering on the door aggressively, don't, under any circumstances, open it. It is not going to be the people from the postcode lottery.

If someone says to you "you haven't told anyone about this have you?" don't say "no I haven't" and then proceed to hang around with them. They are the murderer. Run away.

Never wait in the car while someone goes for help.

Never and I mean NEVER stop your car for anyone, alive, dead or dying.

and NEVER offer anyone a lift.

The min you do your dead.

If someone says 'I have something important to tell you' ALWAYS LISTEN. Definitely don't try to tell them your important news first.

Invite Jessica fletcher to stay!

Never wear a red jumper on the starship enterprise

@RayRayBidet

It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.

@Yabbers
Lol!