What, if life was like tv and films, should you never do?

[Wineandpyjamas]

Not really an AIBU but I had an errant thought that if life was like tv shoes and films I would never own a dog or go running/jogging as more than likely I’d discover a dead body.

Has anyone got any more?

When you’re winning is NOT the time for a monologue that enables your enemy to rally its resources and kill you dead.

A few years ago. I had my outside door on the chain. It was night. Someone broke the chain and left the door wide open. I noticed because of the creaking the door made. After I checked my flat with a big stick I called the police to inform them. Several officers came round and checked my flat. As they were checking my garden one of them asked if I had checked my garden. I said I had seen too many scary films to go outside after what happened.

On a more positive note I wish it was normal to sing your thoughts and feelings.

Never think it’s a good idea to walk around the house in the dark in the middle of the night. Particularly if you hear a noise in another room/ downstairs or if you visit the kitchen in the middle of the night for a drink. Switch the bloody lights on so you have half a chance of spotting the creepy murderer before he’s standing behind you with a big knife at your throat or in your back. Also run out the front door not back upstairs.

Never shout ‘hello?’ Or ‘is anybody there?’ When you hear a noise because you will be murdered if you do.

If you hear a breaking glass noise don’t just assume it was the cat knocking something over. It was definitely a murderer smashing your glass door/ window and he will be standing behind you with a big knife the second you realise it wasn’t the cat.

Never let a cop take your car in an emergency- your car will be a write off after a high speed car chase.

You should never think an alien or dinosaur might be friendly. Conversely you should never believe a total stranger doesn't have your very best interests at heart.

You should never believe love at first sight doesn't exist.

Baddies always survive drowning so never believe you're safe when one's taken a dunking.

Never say “everything’s going to be alright”

Never show anyone a photo of your loved ones if you’re in the armed forces.
Or in prison.

@InsightMars - I’m loving all of yours

Always make sure you are wearing very impractical clothing, at all times. This is especially true if you are planning a trip which might involve crossing a dirty river, wandering through a jungle or your job involves chasing and detaining criminals. Be sure never to wear comfortable shoes, trousers, a long sleeved top of loose fitting clothes.

Never put a password/code on your computer/laptop/phone or, if you do make it something easy to guess eg. The name of your mortal enemy/murder victim/person you are sleeping with

Never volunteer to check out the strange noise when you're in a group. Especially never tell the nervous others you're fine to go alone.

You will be the first offed and the camera won't spare the gory details.

Never make a new friend during pregnancy. She'll inevitably take over your life and try to steal your baby.

Never bother to check the location of the bogs anywhere you go, even work. You won't ever need them.

Never pop back in your lunch break as you’ll find your spouse getting their end away with a newer model!

If you go to Vegas, never, ever, stay at the Bellagio :D

When escaping a zombie apocalypse / nuclear war / total destruction of civilisation, as you clamber over the groaning bodies of your family / flatmates, don’t forget your fancy eyeshadow palette, as you will be wearing lovely subtle make up every day as you struggle to survive in the bleak wastes.

If you die, never close your eyes. You must have your eyes open and the hero will come along and close them sensitively with a weird brushing hand movement.

Never turn the light off to go to sleep as the room will immediately be flooded with a strange blue glow.

If you’re a baddie, never tell anyone about your incredibly rare but extremely specific allergy.

Don’t worry that only having a job as a cleaner, waitress or shop assistant will mean you’re skint - especially if you’re sweet and attractive young woman. You will somehow magically still have a fabulous apartment in the centre of a major city, all to yourself.

If you have performed a particularly clever murder, leaving no evidence whatsoever, and have been called to a gathering by the very famous detective, who then spends ten tedious minutes explaining everything then announcing that you are the killer (but, I repeat, has NO evidence beyond his speculation), then don’t immediately burst into hysterical tears and admit you are the murderer. Keep quiet and let him try to prove it in court, with NO evidence.
If you find a collapse person, or someone collapses in you vicinity, don’t attempt the ABC of first aid, don’t try to resuscitate, don’t dial 999 for an ambulance. Just do a rapid cursory check of their wrist for a radial pulse and then declare they are dead.

@BelindaBauer Of course you need to wear highheels because you need to stumble and give a cry when a dinosaur chases you - so that the hero can safe you.

@RayRayBidet

If you are flying somewhere, don't have the fish
And avoid guitar playing nuns. 😄

Never have a haircut at Sweeney Todd's.

When the locals tell you to stay off the Moor, STAY OFF THE FUCKING MOOR!

Do not live in Holby. If you unfortunately do live there have some interesting gossip about a staff member at the local hospital - it may speed any treatment if you are likely to be treated faster.

Never park your car as the furthest car from the stairs in a multi-level carpark. The walk will be endless, you will only hear your footsteps and their echo as you quicken to get home... yet a man in a Khaki mac will arrive at your car at the same time, you will also inevitably drop your keys as you panic and fumble with the lock.

You won't get in your car. Something very grim and bloody will happen instead.

Never get into your car without checking the back seat.

Oh, and if you use the phone. Never say 'bye. Just state your purpose, and replace the handset. Even if it's a family member, again, just replace the handset without saying bye first.

I know if I ended a call without saying bye to a friend/family, I'd get a call back asking if we had been prematurely cut off.

@Yabbers
Hospital? What is it?

Never put baby in the corner.

Always listen to the music. If the music sounds tense or creepy something bad is about to happen so run the other way.

Also, please tell the rest of us who your plumber is because real people have to wait for the water to get to the right temperature before getting in. Not you though, you get under the shower head the turn the water on.