What, if life was like tv and films, should you never do?

[Wineandpyjamas]

Not really an AIBU but I had an errant thought that if life was like tv shoes and films I would never own a dog or go running/jogging as more than likely I’d discover a dead body.

Has anyone got any more?

A sordid one night stand will 100% result in pregnancy

@wineandpyjamas...oh,so had i -i meant castaway. rather watch paint dry/tom hanks lol x

Never go to the toilet
Don't stop to sleep for at least 48 hrs
Get beaten up repeatedly but never have any injuries persist more than 2 minutes
Only brush your teeth occasionally
Never have boring sex

I would never orgasm 2 minutes into sex.

I'd probably do a fanny fart and ask "is it in yet"?

To ensure your child sleeps well, never buy them a toy clown.

A sordid one night stand will 100% result in pregnancy

Even if you’ve been told you’re infertile. In fact, especially if you’ve been told you’re infertile.

Never go to the toilet. Not because there’s anything dangerous there, characters in TV and film just seem to never visit the loo

"Gravity works differently for you and you will be able to make that impossible leap round the corner of the building that you’re climbing, onto the teeny tiny ledge - just get on with it. Also time works differently. You really can run up 18 flights of stairs, jimmy the lock on the room, disarm the nuclear device and find a suitable hiding place (from the government agency who are pursuing you because they mistakenly think you are the baddie, but you can under no circumstances just explain anything to anyone) in under three minutes."

Tom cruise was VERY painfully reminded this is not true in real life when filming the latest mission impossible.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=iNT-tPrz4OM

"Get beaten up repeatedly but never have any injuries persist more than 2 minutes" another example of actor learning this the hard way (that it's not true in real life.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=M0R9jwGHUws

Never have sex if you're in a horror film. You will both die horribly in the next scene.

Never tell people your plans for after the war to buy a farm/marry your girlfriend/open a restaurant. You will die horribly in the next scene.

Travel alone on the top deck of a bus.
Thanks Luther, never again.

Bother to organise childcare for the DC: they will just sort themselves out and appear occasionally looking cute and appropriately dressed for our family outings.

If you're being questioned by the police in your own home then never answer questions in a civil manner. Be as rude as possible and then tell them to leave.

Never trust the locals.

Don't sleep with DS Steve Arnott. It rarely ends well.

Stand leaning your back against the wall. Doctor Who.

If you are suddenly widowed do not take ages to come to terms with your grief. Just sob a bit at the funeral then get on with life as normal, meeting a new man within weeks and being happily remarried long before the first anniversary of your DH's death.

Don't sleep with DS Steve Arnott. It rarely ends well.

Ha has so true!

greenllightredlight in Killing Eve (spoiler alert!)....

... when Sandra Oh loses her colleague / dear friend, she really mourns and you see her being devastated about it in later episodes. It really struck me then the way people never usually seem affected by deaths in most screen drama.

If you're officiating at a wedding, never ask "does anyone here present know of any just cause or impediment...?" because someone will burst through the church doors at that precise second and announce the bride and groom are brother and sister/he's already married to ME/she's pregnant with MY BABY, the wedding will descend into chaos and you'll only have to get the cleaners to work double time to clear up afterwards.

Notacold

My father died at the same time as a character in a soap. At a time when my mother was still going around shell shocked and me and my siblings were stumbling miserably from one landmark event (first Christmas without him, first birthday without him) the soap widow was happily remarried to her husband's worst enemy and never mentioned her husband again

If you're being questioned by the police in your own home then never answer questions in a civil manner. Be as rude as possible and then tell them to leave. Ditto Doctors, nurses and anyone working in A and E if your relative had been rushed in after a suspicious accident. Remember to be defensive and as rude as possible to Teachers if you are unexpectedly called into the school, because against your better judgment despite your child being a bit of a toe rag, they have actually been discovered to be a genius and are about to be recommended to apply to Oxbridge. By all means stop them because you don't want them to leave you.

Never beam down to an unknown planet wearing a red shirt.

If you are being questioned by police in your own home then at least one of these things will definitely happen:

One of the cops will pretend to need the toilet and will conduct a 30-second search of your bedroom, in which time they will find some vitally important piece of evidence and/or an incriminating photograph in a drawer.

During the interview another copper will poke their head around the door and say "Guv........ Can I have a word?"

As they are leaving, one of them will will turn back momentarily and ask an "Oh, by the way..." question in the hope that you will have just breathed a sigh of relief at having got away with it and they will catch you off-guard.

As they are driving away, if you are guilty, you should immediately phone your partner in crime and tell them what's happening.

If you are innocent you should immediately phone your friend/relative/partner and tell them what's happening. They are the villain and the plot won't pan out unless they come and kill you.

Think about money, except possibly once in the first scene where you will be observed opening a bill and furrowing your brow at it. Otherwise, you will be able to take indefinite unpaid leave from work, travel around using taxis, first class train travel and short-notice plane trips, and will never show the slightest concern about the financial impact of this.

I would never have to read anything ever again. People would hand me very complicated legal papers/ reports/ evidence and within three seconds i would know everything on said papers and be able to respond immediately.

Never visit Midsomer.