What, if life was like tv and films, should you never do?

[Wineandpyjamas]

Not really an AIBU but I had an errant thought that if life was like tv shoes and films I would never own a dog or go running/jogging as more than likely I’d discover a dead body.

Has anyone got any more?

Never cough. It's never just an ordinary cold - if you're coughing in TV-land, your death is imminent.

Never be the newly introduced character in a series who’s never been mentioned before but is now apparently on friendly enough terms with a main character to be showing photos of your newborn baby, or explaining your plans for retirement after your last day at work today. You will most certainly be dead before the end of the episode.

Storage tribes

When you finally manage to sneak up on the baddy and lunge at him never scream as you'll just alert him to the fact you are right behind him could have already killed him before he had a chance to turn round and fight/kill you!

In the case of a zombie apocalypse/monster/aliens never and I mean never get pregnant! Why would you bring a baby into world where you need to be quiet or have no access to food, water medicine etc? And if you've already got kids, for Christ sake shut them up before "they" find us and don't let them wander off to play, it's a dangerous world out there!

Never hire a young, beautiful ingenue with crazy good admin/acting/legal/nanny/wedding planning/anything skillz because she will expose you as a bitter, twisted, has-been hag and totally steal your CEO job/Oscar-winning role/nomination to the Supreme Court/baby AND your husband/fiancé.

Unless you’re Meryl Streep, in which case - as you were because somehow you’ll still manage to come out on top because, well, you’re Meryl Streep.

If you kill the bad guy, don’t just breathe a sigh of relief, relax and assume they’re actually dead. Either run off and call the police or make sure you do the killing properly.

If you love in soapland, do not, under any circumstances, take a job ‘in town’. You will become the victim of sexual harassment or workplace bullying within episodes days - that’s if you don’t befriend a lonely widower who then stalks you because he’s convinced you’re actually his dead wife. Alternatively, you will be dragged into some kind of dodgy scheme or corruption/bribery, inevitably being framed to take the fall by your co-workers. Should a miracle happen and you work with nice, normal people, you will be critically injured in a low-budget train or husband crash on the way to said job.

If your spouse tells you s/he has something incredibly important to tell you and that it absolutely cannot wait, on no account let them speak. Instead, interrupt with ‘Wait - I’ve got something to tell you first’, before entering into a speech about how much you love them and how everything in your life is perfect exactly the way it is. Afterwards, you can idly comment, ‘What was it you wanted to tell me?’, but do not push for any further information when they say ‘Oh, nothing - it’s not important’.

ILiveInSalemsLot Yes! And on similar lines, stay in the fucking closet/safe space at least long enough for the Big Bag to leave the building. Seriously, stay put, he’s still fucking there!

Never leave the curtains open as there's a madman with an axe watching and waiting.

If you come home and find your front door unlocked and ever so slightly ajar, don't push it open slowly saying "Hello....???", just get on the phone to the people who get bloodstains out of carpets instead, because you're going to need them.

You will never have to worry about finding a parking space ever again

Stay away from pregnant women on Christmas Day...

Never try to rob a house over Christmas when a kid has been left alone there by his parents

CoughLaughFart and if someone else interrupts your incredibly important conversation before you or your spouse/best friend/window cleaner get into it, do not ever attempt to get the other person to shut up and leave, or to listen patiently and then carry on your conversation, or reschedule for later that day. You (or spouse, BF, window cleaner etc) must carry those important thoughts round with you for ever more without ever attempting to speak of them again.

Don't ever invite a stranger into your home. They're bound to be a vampire and they'll come back and snack on you whenever they get peckish.

Never be fat, they always die first.

Don't live anywhere with Midsomer in the name. It might be pretty and quaint but the homicide rate is astounding.

Never show anyone a photo of your loved ones if you’re in the armed forces.

Not really an AIBU but I had an errant thought that if life was like tv shoes and films I would never own a dog or go running/jogging as more than likely I’d discover a dead body.

True story, this. I was walking my dog early one Saturday at High Beach in Epping Forest (huge body dumping & suicide site as well as lovely forest). High beach is a clearing with a pub, a wildlife centre etc with a car park in front then a hill slopes down with forest on either side of the grass/path.

As I was on the approaching roads - after coming off the main road roundabout - there was a white van driving up and down and it pulled in to a lay by. It was behaving suspiciously enough for me to notice it.

For some reason I met up with a friend later and went back to the same place. The left side of the bit in front of the car park where the trees started was sectioned off because they'd found a body. A white van had been dumped in the car park.

I could have come across them while they were dumping the body and ended up dead myself!

If a detective comes to ask you some questions never stop what you are doing to answer them. Carry on climbing ladders/kneading bread/aerial acrobatics.

Never bring a packed lunch to work. Always go to the pub for a pie and have a couple of pints while you're there.
Also, even if you only live two doors away from the café, fork out for a cuppa there instead of putting the kettle on at home.

If your name's Yeoman Smith, change it. You'll be the first to die.

Never be a cardboard box maker/delivery person. You stack them at the roadside and some maverick detective will knock them down with his red cortina.
Also never get a market stall in an alleyway. You will be almost run over and your produce will be destroyed. Also remember there will be two cars so after the first one stay out of the way for a minute or two more. Alley market stallholders insurance premiums are sky high because of this.

@Eliza9917 - see I knew it! It’s always the dog walkers and or runners!

@VittysCardigan - I never thought about that but it’s so true! They all just breezily carry on with what they’re doing. Bit rude

Don't carry a big pane of glass around either, as that's also bound to fall victim to the maverick detective v criminals car chase.