What, if life was like tv and films, should you never do?

[Wineandpyjamas]

Not really an AIBU but I had an errant thought that if life was like tv shoes and films I would never own a dog or go running/jogging as more than likely I’d discover a dead body.

Has anyone got any more?

If you are a non drinker don't go to the local pub every lunchtime and evening and say "Just an orange juice for me please" . Just stay at home and drink tea, it's cheaper and won't rot your teeth.

If you are home alone and suspect there is an intruder don't call out "Hello? Who's there?" because they will never ever reply " It 's just me, Colin the burgular/stalker/murderer ".

When someone says something like "I knew I recognised him" don't cock your head to one side and say " I'm sorry you're going to have to explain that to me", because they will, in great detail explain the entire plot of the programme for the benefit of any thick viewers or people who popped out to make a cup of tea, therefore summarising a six part drama in one sentence.

Never run upstairs if you're being chased!

Never bother finding a parking space, just swerve to the kerbside right outside the building you want to enter. Don't even bother checking traffic before opening your door either, and certainly never lock the car.

When making arrangements to meet someone, never agree a specific time or place. Just say something vague like 'see you later, yeah?'

Never date a man who cups your face tenderly with his hand and says 'of course I love you'. He's either a murderer or going to be tragically killed.

Never appear dishevelled, with bad hair and nails, even if you have to work long hours. Always look immaculately groomed with no apparent effort and as if you have all the time in the world to get dressed. Unless you are called Pauline Fowler or you work in a launderette.

If you are a female antique dealer, dress like you're en route to a wedding.

Ok I was watching daytime TV for that last one.

Share a massive secret about something or someone that could get you in bug trouble before scanning the room and then checking everywhere for anyone listening

Never go down to the basement if you head a noise

Never buy a house with a basement, something awful will have happened down there.

Ride on the top deck of a double decker bus on your own at night

Or a house with an Attic , bad things happen in Attics too....

Never go into a bank, it will be held up by armed robbers wearing masks of all the ex USA presidents.

Don’t walk backwards.
Don’t be black, unless you’re also president in which case crack on and start practising your “My Fellow Americans” speech ready for disaster.

Always discuss your big secret in the baby's room. That way, everyone can hear it over the baby monitor.

Not RTFT, so these may have already been posted, but never have a shower, drink underage or say I will be right back.

Never call yourself James Bond. There will be a big guy from a minor communist country after your hide.

I WILL however wear a white shirt. They always seem impervious to dirt.

I would never open a package wrapped in brown paper, especially if I'd recently annoyed someone. It will contain body parts of someone I know.

Never be a scientist ecause you will inconvertible a virus that will turn everybody into zombies your loving wife and kids will be eaten first

In case of a zombie apocalypse:

*never go crazy and cry that those already eaten are happier than those who survived to live this nightmare + leave your shelter to be eaten — you WON‘T be eaten you will survive which is bad because you have to go on living the nightmare
*never be the religious, nice guy who thinks there is a cure for the zombie virus and after a short prayer leaves the shelter to safe. You WILL be eaten, that will make the crazy guy mentioned above feel even guiltier

*Never be a scientists you will discover a virus that turns everybody into a zombie

what wrong with my autocorrect? Even if I correct my autocorrect it will be stubborn and change it back.

Wear a red top.

[Looks at current outfit]

Balls.

Shag the King In The North, no matter how cute he is, no matter how perfect his bum ... Either it all goes horribly wrong and you get shot or it goes even more horribly wrong and he turns out to be your nephew and the rightful heir after you've done all the hard work burning things/people ...

If you are in a soap opera and someone says do you fancy going for a drink never ask where because it will be the local where you spend half your life ,although corrie has a few drinking establishment s now .

Every time I switched the TV on I’d see a news story directly relating to my life. Usually involving a criminal on the run or a high speed car chase.

Scream "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" While sobbing loudly and hiding from a serial killer.

Never cough. It's the precursor to immediate death. So much so, that they won't even bother to write you a proper death scene, because your post-cough life can be measured in seconds.

Never, ever stick to any workplace rules unless it involves something cool like showing a shiny badge or wearing a hot uniform. God forbid you comply with the Working Time Directive or complete adequate notes for your colleagues or change the department answerphone message before you dash out for an extended 24 hour absence running after the villain.

If fighting against a horror movie attacker, don't just hit them and run off.... Hit them with something and make sure they're dead!! They've,ll just get back up and kill you!!

Never, ever leave your office building late at night and walk alone through the deserted car park to your car. You will be MURDERED!!!

If you are pregnant.don't expect to have a nice ,normal.straightforward birth in a hospital it will always be quick , dramatic possibly in remote place and your worst enemy will end up delivering your baby.