What, if life was like tv and films, should you never do?

[Wineandpyjamas]

Not really an AIBU but I had an errant thought that if life was like tv shoes and films I would never own a dog or go running/jogging as more than likely I’d discover a dead body.

Has anyone got any more?

CathyBigBalls Yes! Never run further into the house/building because you'll just end up trapped in a corner/up against a locked door while the Big Bad comes after you. Always head for the front door/clearly marked exit.

If you get out of the killers/kidnappers den. Get your shit together, actually speak to the people who have picked you up on the road, not go into hysterics. Tell them to just drive whilst calling the Police.

Just get out of there, fuck your friends .

If an hysterical young Woman tells you a, winged/vampire/dead person did it, believe them.

If there's been paranormal activity in the house, set it on fire, run like fuck and never go back.

If your at camp and it starts to empty, there's a man with an axe somewhere, just get in a car and go home.

Always be nice to the deformed etc lad, he's got a Mother somewhere watching ready for revenge. (sorry for any offence).

Don't get friendly with anyone met at a Motel, Apart/hotel, truck stop.

If you discover there’s a masked intruder in your house, run out of the front door instead if past it, up the stairs and hide in one of the rooms where he’s going to find you easily.

Never, ever, ever go swimming in the dark in an empty pool

If you have a choice of uniform colours, don't pick the red.

Be loudly happy and jolly with my family and one of you says out of nowhere “I love you mom” or similar. Usually the prelude to mass murder.

Never call someone and say you have just found out something really important but you can't tell them over the phone so need to meet. You will be murdered or have a car 'accident' on the way to the meeting.

Never use a multi-storey car park. There is at least a murderer, rapist or terrorist bomb-in-a-van lurking within.

I would never go for a job interview, something ridiculous and humiliating would always happen.

I would never have a tradesman or gardener come round to the house, it would definitely lead to an affair.

I would never be that poor little girl from the country side working in the company of a powerful and rich man because I had to marry him then.

I would never tell a man that I hate him because I had to marry him later.

I would never bump into a guy on the steeet on accident because I had to end up marrying him.

I would never move to Coronation Street, tho their healthcare is astounding.
I would run like I owed her money if I Saw Angela Lansbury anywhere near me, you know some poor sods going to die of she's nearby.

I would never order food in restaurants as it would never get eaten and either my guest or I would have to storm out. Waste of time and money.

If you’re an on-the-run maverick agent who’s been fingered falsely as the ‘enemy’ with the CIA and MI5 and Interpol after you, don’t EVER EVER EVER trust the wise, respected, higher-up mentor figure who you think is helping you from the inside - he’s not. HE’s the one who set you up - it was him all along!

Never travel anywhere, ever, with Tom Hanks.

And never go on a cruise ship over New Year.

Or get on a bus with Sandra Bullock!

Don’t plan a wedding at the same time as your best friend. And don’t go wandering around outside after dark because you heard a noise outside!

I would never have a fancy dinner with expensive plates and icefigures... because guys with guns/swords/flamethrowers would storm in... one if my guest would be a secret agent, there would be a fight, somebody would get pushed into my plates and icefigures and somebody would be dangeling from the chandelier.

I'd never explain my plan for taking over the world.

I'd just shoot my enemy when I had the chance.

Never do any magical rituals to bring a dead pet back to life.

Never live anywhere with the word "Amiity" in the name either. V important.

If you ever find a plain gold ring that happens to turn you invisible, leave it the f**k alone.

I'd never go outside if it suddenly clouded over and lashed it down complete with thunder and lightning. Certainly wouldn't try driving anywhere, investigating anything or taking a walk. Definitely would lock my doors.

I would never sell fruits and have a card full of apples because a bad guy fleeing the police/the police would drive into it.

I would never be able to use an umbrella because it never rains on TV without there being thunder/lightning as well.

I'd never go on the inaugural journey of anything. Especially if it were a prototype or superfast version of the thing.

Also, I would never be the new bride of or even go on a first date with a maverick agent who’s about to be fingered falsely as the enemy etc - I’d LTB and run far far away because, chances are, he’s going to get me killed by his pursuers before recovering far too fucking quickly from my tragic demise and going on to fall in love with some other woman who helps him out while he’s on the run.

Never enter a lift while heavily pregnant. You will end up trapped there and your baby will be delivered by an incompetent stranger while a claustrophobic man sobs in the corner.

Similarly, don't go to the bank when pregnant, you will become a hostage and need to be escorted to the loo.

Do not go to.live in Castle Rock, Maine.
Never be a security guy on a space ship especially if the uniform is red.
Never go swimming in the dark.
Never take a dare to spend a night in a ' haunted old house' (wtf is wrong wifh you have you never watched tv/films before?) Tell your so called friends you will go.to.thier funeral next week instead.
Never torment captive Xenomorphs and smirk at them.
Yep dont monologue just get over yourself!

If you’re a shop assistant in an exclusive dress store on Rodeo Drive and you’re on commission don’t ever assume a customer dressed like a stereotypical hooker who’s just rolled out of bed has no money and chase her out. That would be a big mistake. Big. Huge. It’s highly probable she’s being bankrolled by a multimillionaire business mogul.