PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

[doublebarrelled]

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

MaxTeyon I will now feel guilty about the d-b name I was born with (because I come from a part of the world where at least half of the population have one)! Oh wait, no I won't weirdo!

I married someone who had a rather feminist female ancestor who insisted on db'ing upon marriage. If we'd merged names we'd be quadruple-barrelled. We both agreed that was a bit much....

I would go no contact with them without a moment's hesitation. People put up with shit from family that they wouldn't accept from friends because, well, they are "family". Fuck that shit. These people are vile and are not necessary to your life.

I changed my surname to a double barrelled one on my passport without a deed poll. I sent my original birth certificate and marriage certificate.

I have friends who both double barreled their surnames when they married and they didn't need a deed poll either.

One of the reasons I double barreled my name was because it was such a pain in the arse to change my name on everything. At least this way there is still a connection to my maiden name of I need it, without having to carry my birth certificate and marriage certificate everywhere.

When traveling, always book tickets in the passport name.

Your PILs are loons. Do not go on holiday with them. Your door DH

poor not door FFS autocorrect

I MASSIVELY judge double barrellers and would disown anyone I knew who did so

So @MaxTeyon does this mean that if you met someone who was born double barrelled, because, you know, their parents were already double barrelled so they themselves had no choice in the matter, you'd have fuck all to do with them?

I've got a wedding coming up where BOTH sides are ALREADY double barrelled. Neither are posh families at all and the double barrelling dates back over four generations.

My best friend got married and her husband changed his name to her surname. They used their marriage certificate to change all documents and passport. He is a man and was allowed to do this. He didn’t need a deed poll x

I changed my first name by statutory declaration. I just had to declare that I'd changed my name in front of a solicitor (I think) who then made out a certificate and that was that. Ever since I have been able to use my changed name to apply for my passport and everything else. You can call yourself whatever you want, and to change your name officially isn't that complicated. What you and your partner decide to call yourselves or your child is none of your ILs' business. They should butt out.

In reference to my own previous points I think I am both right and wrong. Both my DH and I changed our name - to something different. That did and does require a deed poll to get ID. The marriage cert isnt helpful as neither of our names are on it anymore.

However, I assumed this would also apply to double barrelling. I can see through the links provided this isn't the case. Apologies for being wrong!

“I MASSIVELY judge double barrellers and would disown anyone I knew who did so. Perfectly fine if you’re a member of the aristocracy otherwise seriously wanky.”

So....children. Dad’s name?

Mook not much danger of that, I won’t quote my DD on the subject of people who double barrel but let’s just say it’s less than complimentary.

So....children. Dad’s name?

Always, unless single mother.

This is what the deed poll office says
"To avoid any difficulties having your marriage certificate accepted by independent organisations (e.g. banks), it's a good idea to update your passport first. An updated passport is strong proof of your new name, and organisations are legally required to recognise your change of details under the GDPR. If they refuse — complain!"

So, given that you've chamged most things already and are in the process of changing your passports then I'd say that everyring is above board but possibly deed poll too just to p'off PIL
deedpolloffice.com/advice/man-getting-married

@ShatnersWig What are they going to do with their surnames? Combine one of each?

“So....children. Dad’s name?

Always, unless single mother.”

Why?

Double-barrelling names is super-naff, but I’d only laugh about it behind someone’s back, because I’m polite.

Double-barrelling names is super-naff,

People can call themselves what they like.

However, it's going to be fun watching people with double-barrelled names figure out what happens when the in turn marry. In the older world of aristocratic double-barrelling, the reason was unlikely to happen more than once or twice in a lineage (it was usually related to either "marrying down" or to families which had no sons) and so four-way names were relatively rare. But if double-barrelling were a universal thing, seven generations would see names with 128 components, which might make filling forms in a bit slow.

So actually, double-barrelling is just staving off the evil day of figuring out which parts of your lineage to discard. "Should a wife take her husband's name? And what should the children be called?" will be replaced with "which of the four names available to us should we use?"

YANBU - it’s up to you and your partner what you choose to be called.
I’d also be annoyed that DP’s mother had been reading his confidential medical records. That’s totally unacceptable.

Double-barrelling is common in countries like Portugal though isn't it.

If you want to think it's naff, fine, but disowning somebody for it?! I guess you were joking about actually doing it Max

No time to read the whole thread but I have two surnames (no hyphen!) with both on my passport. DH’s work has often booked flights for me under the wrong name (just one of the two names, or DH’s, which is different) and I’ve always been able to fly with my ID, an explanation and appropriate proof (I took my marriage certificate as well as my passport when my ticket was my-first-name-husbands-second-name).

The PIL are being very unreasonable, but I expect Eurostar to be a lot more laid back about it all.

I wouldn't worry about your names OP, I'd worry about the fact that your PILs are psychos.

It's 2018. Of course it's not naff. Move on.

2019 even!

Your PIL's behaviour over their second grandchild, was horrible. The issue about what you call yourselves is nothing to do with them. Its utterly meaningless. Maybe it would have been something to have a conversation about when everyone was in good health but The way they have put your poor DH and you under so much stress over nothing when he has been so ill and is not really back to 100 per cent health is even worse.
Don't blame yourself. They sound selfish and cruel. So does BIL who could have stepped in and reasoned with them.
It would be crazy to go on holiday with them behaving like that. Thinking that they have the right to bully both of you, trying to influence how many children you have FFS.
Neither of you need to go along with this.
I hope your poor OH is recovering and doesn't have any more stress. Unfortunately, it sounds like you need to tell them to back off and protect him a bit whilst he's unwell. They should be ashamed of themselves.

That is a holiday to miss!
What an excellent excuse.

Max - do you get out much? 🤣