PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

[doublebarrelled]

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

However, it's going to be fun watching people with double-barrelled names figure out what happens when the in turn marry. In the older world of aristocratic double-barrelling, the reason was unlikely to happen more than once or twice in a lineage

Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax...

refuse to Pay for the holiday booked in the wrong name and don’t go with these idiots.

However, it's going to be fun watching people with double-barrelled names figure out what happens when the in turn marry.

It's not that difficult. People I know have flipped a coin, picked one of the options from a hat, portmanteaued, made up a whole new name, each kept their names… None (including me!) have sweated over the decision for more than a minute.

Wow! Nothing really to add, other than you seem to have done the right things and their response is quite crazy.

Good Luck.

I would have refused to go on holiday with people who talk about you and treat you like that anyway, and tell DH he can see his nutso parents if he wants to, but you're out. And the minute they bad mouth you to your child, he's out, too.

Your DH needs help standing up to these whack jobs. He's a grown up, and he can choose any name he l ikes.

Refuse to pay for tickets in the wrong name, and refuse to go on holiday, OP.

They harass their son when he is ill, they threaten to disown him, they make like of your MC ... why on EARTH would you even consider going on holiday with these people?
You carry on with the double-barrelled name, OP, ignore these vile people.

^ this

OP - i think you should triple barrell your name just to piss them off.
I am sorry about your MMC and her reaction is appalling. I think you should seriously consider no contact - telling your DH how many kids he can have who the fuck do they think they are??

Do not pay for this holiday and for Christ's sake don't go near them if this is how they behave when their own flesh and blood is seriously ill and incapacitated in hospital. That is not love. They are not parents or PILS - they are tyrants. Cut that shit out your life.

p.s I wish you and DH and your family unit, however large you two wish that to be, a very healthy happy 2019! Start as you mean to go on. Life is too precious and short.

Hands up who reckons MaxTeyon is a bloke! ✋🏼😁

Their response is ridiculous but double barrelled surnames are pretentious and wanky.

Jeez! Now I don't want either sex of my children to change their surnames when / if they marry and I may casually mention double barrelling but I'd never throw a fit or disown them and do my best to not show my disappointment.
Your in laws have a screw loose.
Please don't pander to them. It's his and your names, not theirs!

They sound bat shit, so I don't understand the closeness you seem to be encouraging.
You are going to have to decide whether to put up with their views and madness or distance yourselves, doesn't sound like it's much fun with them tbh.

Their response is ridiculous but double barrelled surnames are pretentious and wanky.

So much better for the woman to have to give up her name completely, or have a different name from her children.

Hello, 21st Century calling.

I was fascinated when I got married how easy it was to live a life where I had essentially two names. I changed my name to my H’s name on some things but kept my maiden name at other things including work and on my passport till it ran out and no one seemed to notice or care.

I think I imagined there was a governing body somewhere that oversaw things like names!!

MaxTenyon
Now I know you’re ignorant. Traditionally the child gets the mother’s name, not the father’s. The fact that she was normally married and had previously taken her husband’s name is irrelevant.

Mummy did I say it was anything to do with tradition? It seems you’re the ignorant one.

Ahhhhh then it has to do with misogyny. That typical open minded belief system that males are superior because they have a penis. I’m definitely not the ignorant one.

cathasfleas Why are the options “ give up her name or have a different name from her children”? Surely that’s more old school.
Why not name the children with the mothers name.

Why not name the children with the mothers name

Well yes, provided the mother is married to the father. It simply isn’t an issue for me as a) I would never have a child with a woman I wasn’t married to and b) I would never marry a woman who wasn’t taking my name.

double barrelled surnames are pretentious and wanky.

Whats wrong with a child having both parents surnames?
Why should one parent lose thier family name just to.please someone else randoms on internet ?

Someone's name is thier choice nobody elses.

If the name on the passports matches the tickets then you are fine to travel.

More concerning is the extent to which your PIL are involved in your life. Why is your MIL accessing your husband's medical notes. I don't care if she works at the hospital. It's not necessary and indicative of infantilizing him. You are his wife. She shouldn't be involved as a given.

The comments about 'looking after your husband more' from MIL, the obnoxious outburst from FIL - a tantrum for want of a better word, and the fact you have a BIL not living independently are all signs the relationship with PIL is imbalanced and probably toxic. You should distance yourself.

I would never marry a woman who wasn’t taking my name.

Its your name not hers.
Marriage doesnt mean you own a person.
A woman is just as entitled to keep.her own name as you are.

1950s want you back to help put women in thier place.

Saxe-Coburg-Gotha?

Palmer-Tomkinson?

Shand-kidd?

All naff, I suppose? (Expecially the first!)

Well yes, provided the mother is married to the father. It simply isn’t an issue for me as a) I would never have a child with a woman I wasn’t married to and b) I would never marry a woman who wasn’t taking my name

Hello, the 1950's are calling! What a lucky woman!!

I would never marry a man who considered his name to be more important than mine. That's why when I got married in December, my husband and I both went double-barreled, as we are equals and our names are equally important.

No deed-poll required btw, just the marriage licence (we were married abroad) has been enough to change bank accounts, driving licence, passport etc.

And as for the op, I'm so sorry, your PIL sound horrendous.

I changed my name on my passport to my double barrelled married name by sending the marriage certificate as evidence. I didn't have to use deed-poll.

Why on earth on you going on holiday with these horrendous people?

You need to read Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. Your husband needs to read Toxic Parents (same author).

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

If I am honest , I think double barrelled names can be a bit unwieldy and to be more ( rather more honest ) a bit Ah OK or a bit esp if newly made up ( but that is my opinion - no - one else's - everyone has their own view. ) so all great to people who have them or choose to give them to their children. A surname or family name won't be the hill you die one IMHO. We chose a shorter name for DS , but he is dyslexic . Helps on filling out forms .