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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

322 replies

doublebarrelled · 09/01/2019 09:57

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 09/01/2019 21:09

You know they kicked off because he's a man and changed his surname upon marriage. Nothing strange here, just good old fashioned sexism.

Original poster
doublebarrelled · 10/01/2019 08:43

Thought I would update you all,

Firstly thank you for the many, many replies! Some great advice and interesting opinions.

Anyway, I sent DH over there yesterday to talk things through and clear the air.

PIL basically ignored the topic. Although MIL apparently read a text I sent to her out loud and laughed about it to DH saying I was absurd thinking that what happened was that bad and contributed to DH not feeling any better. (Just for context the text I sent was just explaining how I think DH is also suffering from a tension headache as he was getting better before the heated phonecall and it appreciate it of he could just relax atm).

After I picked DH up, he told me all this, he said he knows they are pissed off still, understandably (???) But reckons they obviously don't mean it.

FIL said to us as we were leaving the house, upon my collection of DH, that they will pay for all our holiday to France now.

Later DH said this is his way of apologising. I asked what about the name change as it's all booked wrong and he said he doesn't think they'll be willing to change it for us.

I'm going to let DH rest today and then once he is properly better have a proper talk to him about all this.

Btw I know this doesn't make much sense, I can't make sense out of it either!

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 10/01/2019 08:47

If they don't change the names and your passports are in different names, you will not be allowed to travel. Surely your PIL aren't that stupid to not realise this?

ReflectentMonatomism · 10/01/2019 08:56

asked what about the name change as it's all booked wrong and he said he doesn't think they'll be willing to change it for us.

Probably you will be ok to travel with passport in Jane Smith-Doe and tickets in Jane Doe. But as your in laws believe batshit crazy nonsense about names they won’t necessarily know that.

And “probably” is not “definitely” especially if at checkin you have MIL being crazy as you try to sort it out. Being refused checkin is still a risk, both outbound and return (the French might not be so accommodating).

Refuse to go unless the tickets are in your correct names. Both tactically, as the trip could be a disaster, and strategically, as the in laws are doing this deliberately and need to be dealt with.

payperview · 10/01/2019 09:02

I think what a lot of people don't realise is that there is no need to pay for a deed poll. You can do your own homemade one.
www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/make-an-adult-deed-poll
I've had my deed poll accepted for everything.

AnotherEmma · 10/01/2019 09:13

WHY ARE YOU STILL GOING ON HOLIDAY WITH THEM?

Why are YOU sending messages to his mother telling her how her behaviour made your DH feel?!

He's a grown man, he can bloody well tell her himself.

Well, maybe he can't, but he needs to work on that.

If you do all the talking for him you're just playing into their hands and helping them to make you the scapegoat.

(Take it from a scapegoat DIL.)

MaudAndOtherPoems · 10/01/2019 09:14

I think what a lot of people don’t realise is that not every name change requires a deed poll - see the advice from gov.uk on deed poll and changing your name in your passport after marriage that I linked to yesterday.

BerylStreep · 10/01/2019 09:15

I wouldn't go on holiday with anyone who behaved towards me like that.

ciderhouserules · 10/01/2019 09:16

So your DH thinks they are 'understandably' pissed off?

And they are paying for the holiday in full as an 'apology'?

Dear God, these people are TOXIC! They do not see the world through others' eyes, or care. They don't play by the same rules as 'normal' people.

Your DH needs help. You need to help him get free of their influence Angry - they are not helping his MH or physical health.

Can you start putting your foot down (begin with the 'holiday' - do not go!)

Holidayshopping · 10/01/2019 09:23

Please tell them you aren’t going on holiday with them.

RandomMess · 10/01/2019 09:28

Your poor DH he is deep in the FOG!!!

ShatnersWig · 10/01/2019 09:33

I'm beginning to think the adage of "you have a DH problem" may start coming into play here.

moredoll · 10/01/2019 09:43

I would never marry a woman who wasn’t taking my name.

Wow! That really is antiquated!

MamaLovesMango · 10/01/2019 09:52

Oh dear.

They’re offering to pay for the holiday as a form of control. They know full well you wouldn’t be able to use the ‘new’ names and would have to use the ‘old’ ones. They’re also doing it so if you say no thanks you bunch of twats, they can play the victim. They did offer to pay for your holiday don’t you know!!! How could you do this to them you ungrateful woman?!?!

I know your DH has been very unwell and you rightly want to protect him but he needs to step up. This is now not your battle to fight and it’s time he stands up for you and his family.

DarlingNikita · 10/01/2019 10:04

Completely agree with AnotherEmma .

ApolloandDaphne · 10/01/2019 10:17

If it is Eurotunnel i reckon a quick call will rectify the matter as long as you have the booking reference. We had to change our car details for our trip in the summer and it was very simple to do.

TheSerenDipitY · 10/01/2019 10:18

you havent taken any advice... so i guess we will see you back here after the trip away telling us how much of a twat they were and what you need to do to make it up to them

BerylStreep · 10/01/2019 10:24

Serendipity I would imagine OP's focus is most probably supporting her DH to recover from a serious illness. Hmm

ReflectentMonatomism · 10/01/2019 10:33

f it is Eurotunnel i reckon a quick call will rectify the matter as long as you have the booking reference.

Indeed. Sounds like a job for the people that booked the tickets. Oh, wait...

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 10/01/2019 12:25

After I picked DH up, he told me all this, he said he knows they are pissed off still, understandably (???) But reckons they obviously don't mean it.

In the same way as I would be 'understandably' annoyed if I went and punched a random person in the street and they had the audacity to cry in front of me? Hmm

FIL said to us as we were leaving the house, upon my collection of DH, that they will pay for all our holiday to France now.

Later DH said this is his way of apologising. I asked what about the name change as it's all booked wrong and he said he doesn't think they'll be willing to change it for us.

Very kind of them to pay for a holiday for some people who don't actually exist - who have different names from you - but how does that help or apologise to your family at all?

It's like the recent thread where people buy a goat for a poor African family, give a card to a child in the family telling them that it's their present and for some reason expect the child to be thrilled and grateful for it.

There's a name for treating people appallingly and then later hugely downplaying/denying it and making out that the victim is a paranoid drama queen.

It's gaslighting - and it's evil. Nobody who truly loved (or even liked) somebody would ever dream of doing it to them.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 10/01/2019 12:26

TheSerenDipitY

How is that job in compassionate counselling going? [hmm}

RoboticSealpup · 10/01/2019 12:35

I can't believe you're going on holiday with these people! Why would you do that to yourself?

AnotherEmma · 10/01/2019 12:37

My thoughts exactly

Motoko · 10/01/2019 12:57

Yep, I don't understand why you'd want to spend time with them on holiday.
Your MIL was PLEASED that you lost your baby, her grandchild, for heaven's sake!

I think you're both deep in the FOG.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 10/01/2019 13:26

You would be mad to go on this holiday, unless they have properly apologised and cleared the air with you. Using your DH’s proper, married name is a crucial step in this. Personally I wouldn’t even then.

Do you mean your MIL read the notes on his bed chart, or that she accessed his hospital records? If the latter this is a serious disciplinary action and should be reported. It’s a sackable offence, and rightly so.