PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

[doublebarrelled]

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

FIL said to us as we were leaving the house, upon my collection of DH, that they will pay for all our holiday to France now

This is bribery and manipulation.

Be quiet, don’t call us out on our appalling behaviour, don’t remind us that we threatened to disown you when you were seriously ill.

Why would either of you want to go in that holiday?

you havent taken any advice... so i guess we will see you back here after the trip away telling us how much of a twat they were and what you need to do to make it up to them

I agree. That is what will happen and we all know it. There should have been no coming back from what happened with the miscarriage etc., but there was, so this latest batshit is small batshit compared to form. And yet still the OP wants to sort it out by taking her husband round there so he can get upset but do nothing either.

Do you mean your MIL read the notes on his bed chart, or that she accessed his hospital records? If the latter this is a serious disciplinary action and should be reported. It’s a sackable offence, and rightly so.

She's not allowed to read the notes on the bed, either, both sets are covered under the rules.

@DishingOutDone
exactly the comments about the miscarriage are unforgivable, the woman is very clear in her total dislike of the OP and she and her husband still try to "make up" with them and end up at the same place over and over again, still stressed and sad, still disliked and still blaming themselves... time to wake up, its not you its them, sad as it is sometimes you have to take a step back and look at it and be realistic, do you put up with being treated like shit because they love him so much? or do you fight it and say quit ya shit or we will move away and you wont see us or DS as often or do you just say fuck it and get on with ya life and dont give them another thought

Would I fuck be going on holiday with them!

I can’t believe that you are putting up with this rubbish for the sake of a free holiday . Sad.

doublebarrelled

And they meant every word that was said to you both.

Why on earth would you want to be in the same room as these people, let alone potentially go on holiday with them?.

You are deep in denial re them, fear, obligation and guilt. Your DH is mired in FOG too.

let them pay for all the holiday in your old surname or whatever name they feel you should be called and then just don't go

two can play at being taken for granted and ignored....

they are manipulating by buying you with the holiday - dont let them.

with hindsight, any holiday where things are this poisoned at the outset isn't worth the hassle, you'd really be better off not going.

Don't go on holiday with them! Just say thanks but no we're okay.

I wouldn't be doing anything with them until you got an apology. They sound batshit crazy!

MIL has absolutely no right to read his notes and they should not have been left lying around for her to do so!

OP - I really don't see how you have not gone absolutely apeshit at them!

These people have told you what your nae is to be, have told you how many kids you are to have, where you are to go on holiday, have read your husband's PRIVATE medical notes and they are mentally abusing him and you and your child(ren)!

I am afraid i would have gone ballistic at any ONE of these.

The medical notes abuse I would have placed in the hands of PALS and told her I was doing so.

I would have ripped her head off over her attitude to my MC.

The D/B names issue I think I'd be going completely NC and getting help for my DH to do the same.

Why are you being so placid? It is not going to help you or DH in the long run. There's 'nice' and there's 'allowing abuse'.

Get angry!

the worrying thing here is not the PIL but DH reaction.

I'm not sure I can add anything to the very good advice you've already been offered here but I'm telling you , these people are narcissists and unless you and your dp are willing to be their puppets until their dying day then it's going to blow .
Your bigger problem might be whose side your dp is on when it does.

All travel tickets must be booked with whatever surname is in your passport except for (about 3 months I believe) you can travel with your marriage certificate on your passport with maiden name. It doesn't matter what you call yourself, it's what's in your passport that counts I yes I think you need to change by deed poll (though at time of marriage you can do it free of charge without deed poll)

I just can’t get my head around parents causing a big old fight when their son is in hospital with suspected meningitis, never mind the rest of it.

DO NOT GO ON HOLIDAY WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!!

All travel tickets must be booked with whatever surname is in your passport

People keep on saying this. It isn't true.

Some airlines, mostly LoCos with an arsy attitudes, will hold you to the letter of your passport. They do this because (a) they absolutely do not want people transferring tickets in the event of change of plans and (b) they can screw you for change of name charges. Easy are a lot better these days, but they have their moments, and Ryanair certainly do this. They get upset about slightly different spellings of names, contractions, anything beyond there being a character by character match between the ticket and the passport.

However, most airlines just want to prevent companies doing stunts like pre-booking a bunch of tickets six months in advance and then selling them on to end users closer to the time, and so just want the passport to roughly match the name on the ticket. Within limits, so long as you are recognisably roughly the same person, they don't care. I am flying next week with the ticket which is slightly different to my name, and I have no worry at all about it being accepted. For example, some middle eastern airlines - in particular - will issue a ticket to SMITH JANEHELEN (note lack of space in the second word) if asked to book for JANE HELEN SMITH, and some will issue a ticket to DOE JANESMITH if asked for book for Jane Smith-Doe. A passport in Jane Smith will be fine in both cases. It's unrealistic to assume airline IT can normalise all names in all cultures, so the matching is just done by eye at checkin.

Eurostar are most certainly in the latter, reasonable, "so long as it's roughly you" case.

In the case of changing your name upon getting married it's different, because your passport prior to marriage has no name in it which looks remotely like your name after marriage (in general). Turning up with a ticket which says NEWNAME JANE and a passport in JANE OLDNAME is going to stretch the credulity of the most generous checkin worker.

The thing you describe with a marriage certificate is high risk, because on your return journey the checkin staff may not accept the marriage certificate: there are no rules and time limits, because it's not in British jurisdiction. You can, in fact, get a passport in your new name in contemplation of marriage if you really want to travel in your new name, that's the safest thing to do.

Could I recommend that you and DH read the books by Susan Forward - toxic inlaws for you and toxic parents for him. In fact why not take it on holiday?

I'm seconding the pp earlier who thinks youre both in the fog. Your dh says they were understandibly upset. It's not understandable, see the entire thread. I suspect that there is a whole lot more weird controlling behaviour going on but youve both been conditioned to see it as normal.

I would never marry a woman who wasn’t taking my name.
I would never date, let alone marry, a man with such an attitude towards women.

I'd broach it again about the names thing as they'll need to change the names foemyou to be able to travel ... actually your DH should do this

If they refuse to change it I'd just walk away and say ok just
Cancel The holiday if this is your way of trying to manipulate us - bloody idiots