PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

[doublebarrelled]

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

Well you are being a bit unreasonable not telling them you have changed your name when you know they are booking

Well you are a bit unreasonable nrtt properly!

Pil knew they were changing their name. They were told more than once before they did it when they married.

They were told passports were away being changed before they booked the tickets.

Booking in thier old names was PA bullshit.

Are they aristos, OP? Is it a special name, perhaps with a hereditary title and estate? That is the only possible reason I can imagine for such histrionics. It would also make the disowning threat make a smidge of sense.

It must be awful for both of you, and I can understand your reluctance to go NC as your DH is caught in the middle. What does he have to say about all this?

It’s a actually a sackable offence to look at the notes of anyone that isn’t in your direct care.

And so it should be.

I'd report this mad MIL to the hospital for doing this, but then I'm a vindictive cow.

Ignore the "disowning" comment, it really is a last ditch attempt to get their own way, I'm sure it is a threat that won't be carried out.
They shouldn't be upsetting their son when he has been so very ill, they really should know better, that, is unforgivable.
When is this proposed trip due to take place? I know when I was travelling a recent stay in hospital had to be declared to my insurers.

I also meant to say, report the MIL for going through confidential medical records. That's not acceptable professional behaviour and her bosses would want to know about it.

Thanks ContessaIsOnADietDammit I’d been racking my brain trying to remember that username.

No.2 there is no way your MIL should have gone through your DHs notes. On most hospitals it is a disciplinary sometime sackable offence.

As the the rest; they are vile. Your son ‘loves’ them & your DH is close to them as they know no different. Any of the comments that have been made would be enough to tell them to fuck off.

Good Luck.

How can you let your child be around someone who rejoiced in their brother or sisters death?

Honestly. This is insane.

If the tickets can't be used they've done you a massive favour, you don't want to go on holiday with people this insane.

(And it's already been covered but there's no such thing as "illegally" changing your name. They are crazy and terrible people.)

You can use whatever name you like, it's not hard to get driving licence or passport in new name, that's a gateway to anything else. Deedpoll might be needed if some complex financial thing but not usually needed for bills etc
If you change your name because of marital status you definately don't need deedpoll
Your passport has to match name on ticket and if your child has a different name travel with birth cert as well
Parents batshit

My husband took my surname on marriage and it caused a nuclear fall out with his parents that reverberated for years. Twenty five years later, they still continue to address my husband by his maiden name on all letters. I sympathise with you, OP, and would say one thing: do not even consider changing your name from what you have both chosen to what someone else thinks you should be called. If decisions as important as this are being made by people outside the relationship, things have gone wrong. My husband's parents also talked a lot about the law and society, which I believe was a way for them to give objective substance to their sense of wrongness, because they found talking about their feelings too difficult and couldn't acknowledge their sense of rejection. Show them a few official sites, but because there is - as this thread has shown - a lot of confusion about this, don't make that the standing point. Just keep reminding them that this is the mutual decision of the two of you in the relationship and no one else's business. (We didn't deed poll but because it was unusual we have a solicitor's letter explaining the change has been made.)

freedeedpoll.org

DP has used this website, just print it on some nice parchment paper.

No. I doubt they'll come round.

If I was you I wouldn't want to look at them, much less go on holiday.

You changing your names is the least of your problems.

I'm just adding to the chorus here about having nothing more to do with them.

When your son gets older, they'll drip poison in his ears about you, which will be very damaging to him. Why would you willingly carry on a relationship like that?

Also, it sounds like, if you have another child (so sorry about the mmc, what she said was unforgivable, and you should have pulled back after that) that child will be ignored by them, as they don't think it should exist. So, Christmas and birthdays, DS will get lots of presents, but DC2 won't even get a card. And DC2 will be ignored when you're visiting them.
You cannot allow that to happen, no matter how much DS and DH "love" them.

You seem very naive about toxic relationships. I suggest you do some reading up on the subject. Toxic in-laws and Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward, is always recommended on here. I suggest you read them both.

Oh, and don't go on holiday with them. You'd be mad to do that.

I second the recommendation to do some reading about toxic relationships and toxic parents. If your DH is willing to read up or talk with a counsellor about it too, that's great.

You don't have to go NC right this minute. But it sounds like you are a nice normal trusting person who expects the in-laws to have nice normal behavior. From what you've said of them, they will be unable to ever do this. They are not acting crazy because of anything you or your DH did, or because he was ill and they were worried about him, or because they have any justification for their behavior. If they are that unhinged, that is wholly in their own heads and NOT caused by you or your DH.

That is really hard to understand if you are a nice normal trusting person (or if you are the child brought up by dysfunctional parents who used your love for them to manipulate and bully you). That's why it's key you educate yourself. Knowledge is power, you can make any drastic decisions when you have more knowledge.

Hope your DH recovers fully soon.

OP my MIL had a complete massive huge meltdown because when we had children we refused to change all our names to her surname. Threats, late-night weeping phone calls, getting all her family to call us, totally batshit craziness.

Subsequently my DH has taken my surname. You can imagine how that went down

We stood firm and detached and it's all died down - over last 8 years... I think there is just something very powerful in names and naming and if you're a narcissistic control freak bit insecure like MIL, it does weird things to you when your children choose new names, identities, lives for themselves.

"Oh, MIL, it must be so awful to be as ashamed of your father as you are"
"Eh?"
"Well, I'm proud of mine and I want to keep the names of the two men I love. It's a pity you don't love your father. What happened to make you so ashamed of him?"

Then let the mad old trout explode.

Your DH needs to take control of this situation.

Personally my words would be sorry if you don't like it mum and dad, but we've chosen this, write us out of your lives if you're so inclined, but if that's all it takes for you to write me out of your lives then clearly you don't think much of me

Your PIL sound straight up evil tbh

This thread is great. It is actually making me feel less guilt about going NC with our own batshit parents and realise life is too short to let them control our lives. Liberating. Thank you folks.

I MASSIVELY judge double barrellers and would disown anyone I knew who did so. Perfectly fine if you’re a member of the aristocracy otherwise seriously wanky.

Or my 'wanky' surname is the way to have both mine and DH's names for our children as we both love our names

My ds has d-b surname. On realising my ils are twats we are taking dh's name off the bc and he himself is changing his surname.
A path you could take op given the utter cunts you are dealing with op.

MaxTeyon
That’s so sad and op just wanted to be your friend.
Me too 😭

MaxTeyon I never use the expression 'not fit to be a parent' but if you would disown your kid because they decided to double-barrel their name you are... yup, not fit to be a parent. I hope you are not.