PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

[doublebarrelled]

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

I am with lakielady on this

OP - I am sorry you are having such a shit time. However, when you recover from all the shock, I think you need to reflect on why on earth you would want these utter wankpuffins anywhere near your child?

They will cut you off if you don't do exactly as they say? Er. Ok then.

You double barrelling your names has absolutely no impact on their lives whatsoever. They are awful and they should be ashamed of themselves. I bet when you think about it you will remember other examples of how controlling and obnoxious they are.

I would not go on holiday with these bastards.

I hope DH makes a full recovery soon - the stress cannot be helping. I would avoid all contact with ILS for now. Block if necessary.

Not much to do with the argument but MIL had no business reading his medical notes!

there is no such thing as a "deed poll office".!!

a deed poll is a signed written declaration that you are going to use such and such a name - and then signed and witnessed by 2 witnesses

no payment or registration is required

Saxe-Coburg-Gotha? Palmer-Tomkinson? Shand-kidd? All naff, I suppose? (Expecially the first!)

Well, the second definitely is, and the third probably. Where is my copy of "The Complete Naff Guide"?

Given that the wailing about the name started on Monday, and the Eurostar tickets were booked the very next day, it's obvious that she booked them in the wrong names to make a point.

Refuse to go on holiday with them, or even to pay for the tickets.

I hope your DH gets better soon. It's horrible seeing someone you love dealing with familial rejection. MIL, yes, I'm looking at you

As others have said, you don't need deed poll to change your name. My DH and I changed ours and it wasn't even when we got married. His parents were a bit flummoxed, but soon got over it and were never mean to us about it. (They always sent Christmas cards in our old name though)

It's utter nonsense to say you have to change your name by deed poll on marriage. What you have to do is get the vicar to sign a form to say he is marrying you on X date to enable a passport to be issued in your new married name before marriage but otherwise signing the marriage certificate is enough to call yourself Mrs Maiden Name, Ms Maiden name or Mrs New Husband name.

I changed my surname on marriage without deedpoll. I just sent off application + marriage certificate!

I'm not sure I know where to begin but yes of course it is insane. I was going to come on and berate posters mithering on about who is called what, but then I see its the OP's main concern too - she's VERY keen to find some way to make this her fault - why? Why in god's name were they ever considering going away with this bunch of Wank-Badgers (there's double barrelled for you an no mistake Mrs) - why do you indulge in this shirt rending stuff about DP loving his parents and it must be your fault? What on earth do you get out of it other than never ending drama; is that what you like?!

Maybe OP thinks she's been a naughty girl ?

I've tried to read the full thread. As others have said MIL shouldn't be looking at her son's medical notes.

As an HCP we're not allowed to look at our own notes and certainly not relatives.

It's a huge information governance breach. Absolutely disciplinary offence. Please report this to PALS.

So does any one know this - I am Ms ( my name) - I can go by the name of Mrs ( DH name ) all my banks etc passport is Ms ( my name ) but people when it is convenient for me will recognise Mrs DH name ( bank accounts etc aside. ) DS is x x my name DH name but not hyphenated - as above he is dyslexic and so one surname easer. I know there will be those who say " why his used surname and not yours " - there was a reason 20 odd years ago. I may have made a different choice today but it is a bit rubbish that grandparents don't know their own GC's last name.

theyre nice to your ds but didnt want the other one

yeah lovely people-what did dh say to thse comments

OP - you have got Stockholm syndrome from this crazy pair. Run, Run!

Saxe-Coburg-Gotha?

Most people need to use names to identify themselves.

Leaving aside the fact that they changed it to a single-word surname anyway, it's kind of simple when your family is instantly internationally recognised on sight - and even if not, you can just whip out a fiver or a postage stamp as the ultimate in ID.

When my and DH got married we double-barreled our surnames, you don't have to do it by deed poll, I checked before we got married. Also a man can change his name, some men take their wives name and drop their own. There are no legal ramifications to what you have done.
As for the PIL, you need to sit down and talk to them, they are being ridiculous. Calmly ask what their concerns are and try to reassure them. If it is just a matter that they would rather you had taken his name then they ABU and there isn't a lot you can do except support your DH. I wouldn't change your names again though.

I do wonder what goes through the mind of women such as this toxic MIL (along with the whole nutty side of her family, of course).

They categorically refuse to accept the very normal, natural state of affairs that their sons (usually) will grow up and quite probably want to marry (or have a serious relationship with) another person, who will become their life partner - closer to them now than their parents were - and with whom they very likely will have children, who will also become even more precious to them than their parents.

It doesn't seem to be a case of disapproving of A PARTICULAR woman whom they've chosen (or who has led away and snared their helpless little lamb, as they probably see it) - they apparently object to the fact that ANY woman might have replaced them in their son's affections and have muscled in and taken over.

Of course, your relationship with your parents will change once you've grown up, left home and/or married, but there's absolutely no reason for the new relationship to replace the parent-adult child one.

What are they hoping to achieve? Are they stupid or just 100% narcissists? Do they even think it through?

Are they really expecting their children to be tied to them and to treat them like an exclusive 'possession' for their (parent's) whole life. What do they want to happen to their child after they die, when they've never been allowed to know anything other than a perpetual-child relationship or to form adult relationships themselves? Is the idea that, once they (parent) die, the child is no longer of any use, so they really couldn't care less what happens to them for the rest of their life?

For the vast majority of parents, seeing their children grow up and form families of their own is a cause for joy and a great comfort to see them happy, established and continuing the family line as they enter their twilight years.

“So....children. Dad’s name?

Always, unless single mother.”

Not true. My DBs DC has the name of the mother's exHusband as that is what she chose to put on the birth certificate. probably as it pissed both men off, 2 birds one stone
Neither men are happy but nothing can be done unless she allows it, which she won't she's a narcissistic bitch

Well if you can't go because of the passport issue you certainly dodged a bullet.
Why in the world would you want to go on holidays with two nutters who dislike you and cause serious stress to your ill DH ?

(a) your PILs are batshit crazy and horrible people so you shouldn't be going on holiday with them anyway

(b) you definitely do not need to use a deed poll to change your name as I know numerous people who have double barrelled entirely legally without. If institutions accept your new name then that is your name. I don't know of a marriage certificate will be enough for DH to get a passport in the double barrelled name though. He may just need to sign a declaration that says "I renounce all former names and will henceforth be known only as (double barrelled name in full including all forenames) and get that formally witnessed by two people (as if it was a will) and that is definitely accepted. a marriage certificate is enough proof for a woman to go DB but unless things have changed recently (which I guess they might have) it is slightly different for men.

Hi my husband and myself double barreled our surnames when we got married. As you have done we did it using our marriage certificate. This has been perfectly acceptable. It is either do it by marriage or do it by deed-poll. Of you change it by marriage then you don't have to change it by deed poll too. In most cases just have to send marriage certificate off as evidence.

Don't worry OP you have done it the right way.

As men changing their names is relatively new they used to have to go through deed-poll when the got married (women didn't as it's always assumed they would be the one changing names). As times have changed however men don't have to do it by deed poll now either just certificate same as women.

Hope that helps.

Good luck with your in-laws!

OP, I haven't read all the replies but have had a skim through. I just wanted to post because I had a similar situation.

I've name changed as this could be very outing.

When DS was born, DH and I decided to give him my surname and DH's surname as a middle name. His parents disowned him, refused to see their grandson for almost a year, said they weren't "their true family anymore". Said very similar things to your PILs about us breaking the law etc. DH went through hell and it almost broke us as a family.

Your PILs are toxic but your DH may not want to go NC with them. You need to set firm boundaries and call the shots.

I could waffle on for ages about how our situation changed us and opened my eyes to the fact that my DH's parents are not normal so I had to alter my expectations.

Protect yourself from these people.

I have a double barrelled name. I was given it at birth, and I have no intention of changing it.

I would never marry a man who was misogynistic enough to expect me to change it.

Whilst I don't like double barrelled names, I would never disown anyone who has one, family or not.

I am tempted to use this as an excuse not to go now...
After her nasty comment about your mc i'm amazed you even spend precious time with her - or give two shits about her opinion or feelings!

They won't stop, watch out for all gifts/cards etc to be made out to your dh's surname only....
This has nothingh to do with them, and to berate your dh when he's seriously ill is just disguisting.
I've no doubt they will involve your ds in their games in order to 'put you in your place' or 'punish' you.

If they can' respect your decision then they shouldn't be allowed near ds until they can behave in a civilised manner.

Why di you care one iota for someone who said that you having a miscarriage was probably for the best? I think you and your dh should look back and really analyse as i bet there's other toxic things and spiteful things done in the past.

Going apeshit is wrong anyway but at your poorly in hospital son would be awful to me. Unforgivable with the miscarriage comment.