PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

[doublebarrelled]

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

I think your in laws are crazy. I wouldn’t want to go away with them!

You don’t need to do a deed poll if you’ve changed your name when you marry! I can’t believe how many people keep saying this. I’ve been married twice, and divorced once. Never, in all the name changes I’ve had have I ever had to do a deed poll! I’ve changed my name on all my bank stuff, passport, house deeds, whatever else just by providing copies of either marriage certificate or divorce papers!

Right I'm confused, can someone help me.

I married my DH and we all double-barrelled our surname after. We couldn't do it the day we got married, the only option there was for me to take is name (or his mine presumably). But double barrelling had to be done by deeds poll.

We did so by deed poll and when we changed our names with banks etc we had to show our deed poll certificate.

How can anyone just change their name to what they like without doing so legally by deed poll?!

Your PILs are batshit crazy.

We both double barrelled our surnames after getting married in 2017 and have changed everything now (passports, etc). All of our changes were accepted with a marriage certificate.

We didn't need to do anything else such as deed poll.

Completely nuts (and extremely sexist). The comment after the MMC is completely inexcusable.

Curious to know whether your husband maintains his relationship with them out of love and enjoyment, or out of responsibility/duty. If the latter, I would definitely be cutting ties.

Your name issue is a small side thing.

The question is WHY is your DH having ANYTHING to do with DP who rejoiced in your miscarriage. They are fucking VILE.

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd socialise, holiday with, speak to, allow contact with my children if my PIL or parents rejoiced in a miscarriage.

Go NC. If your DH wants to keep in touch with them, he can do so at their house.

You are not being unreasonable. In fact, you are under-reacting.

Unless the double barrel name you changed to was ‘Mr and Ms wehate-ourparents’....

In which case YABU

Is it different if you double barrel your name as opposed to just taking one or the other when you marry then?! (As in the deed poll thing)..

You definitely, definitely don't need a deed poll.

We have just been through this process and have changed everything successfully without it, including passports.

I think your DH should have discussed this with his parents properly — it must have been difficult for your mil to see her (seemingly at death’s door) son with a different surname.. You do realise he’s a grown up?

I wonder if that's a GDPR matter?
It isn’t.

Your MIL going batshit on her son when he was so ill would have me seriously thinking about having contact inthe future let alone all the rest of the totally cranky and OTT behaviour. With her being a healthcare professional this would have me even more concerned about her state of mind too. She is either lying to get what she wants or she is totally ignorant of the law regarding names etc. They all sound barmy and dangerous. Go cool for a good long while is my advice. Going on holiday with these people is not a good idea.

All of this... and her comment about your babies would NEVER be forgiven in my book. That's awful to articulate such a thing, bad enough to even think it.

No way would we be going on holiday with them and they can sing for the ticket money too

This is the passport office guidance on names. Note the note I have put in bold at the bottom.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/548220/Annex_A_passports_August_2016.pdf

A passport applicant in the UK must provide evidence to show that they have changed their name and that they are using the name for all official purposes i.e. the name is part of their everyday life and there is a clear link between the former name and the new name. The applicant should provide at least one piece of evidence to show change of name and one piece of evidence demonstrating use of name:-

Change of name evidence:
 marriage certificate
 civil partnership certificate
 Gender Recognition certificate
 enrolled deed poll
 change of name deed
 unenrolled deed poll
 adoption order/certificate
 act of Parliament
 certificate of naturalisation or registration
 statutory declaration/affidavit
 birth certificate (upon re-registration)
 certificate from the court of the Lord Lyon of Scotland
Use of name evidence:
 tax record (such as a letter form tax authority)
5
 employment record (such as an official letter from employer
 educational record (such as a school report)
 letter from central, regional or local government department
 driving licence (UK or overseas)
 national ID card or equivalent
 visa or residence permit
 medical/health card
 voters card
 bank statement (UK applications only)
 baptismal/confirmation certificate

Name changes on marriage/civil partnership or Gender Recognition require change of name evidence only in the form of a marriage, civil partnership or Gender Recognition certificate. Use of name evidence is not required unless doubt exists regarding the name being used for all official purposes

I hope your partners health improves, but am wondering what would happen in the event that it doesn't. Would the toxic parents have final say in any decisions made if for example he was terminally ill? In view of their nastiness and his mothers high handedness with his medical records I would seriously suggest you take legal advice to cover yourselves until you become his legal next of kin by marriage.

I'm finding it a bit odd all the posters saying you dont need a deed poll to change your name. If you want any official documentation in your new name you do

You really don't. I've gone from maiden name, 1st married name, back to maiden name, then double-barrelled second marriage name. Bank, driving license, passport updated each time. Never in my life have I had a deed poll!

They're straight-up cunts.

MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her... MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”

I'd have fucked them off long ago for just one of these incidents. Cancel the holiday.

Does anyone else remember the poster who had a similar problem with her PILs re hyphenating? Her baby was nicknamed Fluffy Monkey Balls on here I think I need to get out more

Your pil sound utterly crazy and very hard work

So quick clarity on the actual name change as there is conflicting statements on here from people: Do we need a deed-poll for the passport? Is it going to get rejected? I followed the Passport & Deed-poll guidance which stated that the original Marriage Cert was enough?

As for the couple of posters who said that we should have discussed DH changing his name before marriage, we did when we got engaged and we did previously when discussing DS' name choice. I thought we made it obvious what our intentions were.

As for everyone else who is saying PIL are batshit and go NC / LC. I am not sure this would be emotionally good for everyone though? DS loves my PIL very much and DH has always been close to them. Could it just be they are crazy right now because I somehow upset them (not sure what though...). They will come round right?

Our passports are currently being processed to be changed to our double-barrelled name! We have changed them on everything else so far, bank, NHS, HRMC, Driving licence. So she has booked the tickets in the wrong name!

Odd, most banks won't change until after you change your passport, my sister had all sorts of trouble changing her name at the bank.

Could it just be they are crazy right now because I somehow upset them (not sure what though...). They will come round right?

No, they're just unpleasant. What on earth do you think you've done to upset them? I mean other than marrying their son and having his children, obviously.

Halifax (for example) will change your name on your bank accounts with just your marriage certificate and your passport in your original name - as they can clearly see how the name has been changed from one to another and who you are. You don’t need a passport in your new name.

WatchingFromTheWings that is interesting! That is also what I thought too reading the current guidance on names. We havent had any issue changing it anywhere so far (in fact with our mortgage we just rang them up and changed it over the phone!)

I'm sure you can just change by use as long as it's not an intent to defraud so you will be fine. Your PIL though, mad as a box of frogs.

VanGoghsDog had no issues with Natwest or Halifax at all

@TruckLoadOfSubtleGlitter their marriage certificate is enough proof. There have been several links from the passport website on this thread. As long as the new name is an obvious joining of the two names. So bob Smith and Jane Jones can become the Smith-Jones family because their marriage certificate will show both their names and it’s an obvious joint name. The same people couldn’t become the peter-browns though in the same way because that is not an obvious joining of surnames.

Thy might come round about this particular issue.

There will be another issue soon though. And another.

You could try telling them it's none of their business.

Bullies - and they are vile bullies - often back off once you stand up to them. You'll have to really roar at these two though.

I couldn't bear other people thinking thy have a say in my life and my life decisions. It would make me so angry.