PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

[doublebarrelled]

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

If you are married you don't need a deed poll to double barrel providing it's obvious how you came to new surname. All you need is marriage cert

deedpolloffice.com/advice/man-getting-married#change-to-double-barrelled-surname

If you're travelling in Eurotunnel you sit in your own vehicle anyway. smile

Not if you’re on Eurostar. You travel in a normal train carriage.

Double-barrelling your son’s name and then your DH double-barrelling his name are two different things. I think your DH should have discussed this with his parents properly — it must have been difficult for your mil to see her (seemingly at death’s door) son with a different surname.

Your DH needs to change his name legally via deed poll for the double-barrel part to be legally valid — you may find things such as insurance, passports and investments are invalidated if the name change is not processed legally.

They harass their son when he is ill, they threaten to disown him, they make like of your MC ... why on EARTH would you even consider going on holiday with these people?
You carry on with the double-barrelled name, OP, ignore these vile people.

make light of

The main issue is why you are considering going on holiday with people who treat you like this. You sound well rid frankly.

I wouldn’t be going anywhere with them. They challenged DH while he was very ill in hospital, they’re openly nasty to/about you and they threatened to disown him over double barrelling his name.

They’re nasty, thick and rude. Frankly, being disowned sounds like the best option!

You do not need a deed poll if you're double barrelling the two names you have on your marriage certificate. Not even if you're a man

There is no such thing in the UK as a 'legal name'. There is just a name you go by. Different organisations have different rules about how you prove which name you go by but if the passport office will accept your name change using your marriage certificate (which they should!) then no one else should have any issue with it.

Your inlaws are batshit. Possibly the overreaction is in part because changing your surname is the sort of thing you usually mention to family. Though did he avoid telling them because he knew they would behave like this?

I think you need passport numbers for flights, maybe not eurotunnel. Anyway, they sound ridiculous. Don't go on holiday with them, take them at their word and stop contact. Hope your dh is better soon

You don’t need a deed poll to change your name. You can just start using your new name. It seems like official documents such as passport etc have been changed with no deed poll required so why would you need one now?

In any case, a deed poll is only a bit of paper that says “My name is X and I now wish to be known as Y”. It isn’t a legal document, you can write it yourself. So as it has no legal standing most places don’t bother with it.

Your PIL sound batshit. Surely you don’t want to go on holiday with them anyway? DH needs to tell them to stop being twats or he’ll cut them off.

There is so much weird misinformation around about names.

You can legally use any name you like, as long as it isn’t for fraudulent purposes.

Deed polls are a short cut but actually you only really need evidence you have been using the name. Obviously they are batshit about it being illegal for men to change their name, just like the many people who think it’s illegal to keep your maiden name.

It’s not a great idea to book tickets until you have your passport in your hand though.

Definitely use it as an excuse not to go. Call the fuckers’ bluff and go NC. Good riddance.

And totally to You do not have to follow a legal process to start using a new name. We wanted to add a middle name for DD and I asked a registrar about how we would go about this. She said as long as DD wanted to use her new name and was using it then it was already done. You can get a deed-poll if you want to change it on official documents but otherwise there’s no need.

Also, please never, ever, ever let anyone other than your own doctor read your medical notes. Especially not a relative. It’s a really bad idea.

Double-barrelling your son’s name and then your DH double-barrelling his name are two different things. I think your DH should have discussed this with his parents properly

What business is it of theirs? Should women planning to take their husbands' name get their father's permission?

With Eurotunnel, you don’t need the passport info when you book but you have to fill in the Advanced Passenger Information (API) between booking and when you travel. That includes names, passport numbers etc.

I might be stupid.... but what is the problem with double barreled surnames for them? Why do they hate them so much? Are they maybe from a different culture in which a double barreled surname is something to be ashamed of and they are afraid if becoming outsiders?

Your H's parents are both batshit and toxic to be at all around. They behave like this over a now double barrelled name and my guess too is that they always wanted you as a couple to keep their name. The signs re them were there before now but sadly you did not see or recognise their red flags. Your mistake here I think has been to try and apply "normal" rules of familial relations to these people who only want to play by their rules.

And no, she should not have looked at her son' hospital notes either whilst he was in hospital. It matters not a jot that she works there, she abused her power by doing that and probably did so under the guise of "being helpful".

Do not go on holiday with them or infact have anything to do with them all going forward.

My passport is double barrelled so
Mrs FirstName MightyTitanAnd-HerTroubadours
dh is Mr FirstName-HerTroubadours

he often forgets and leaves out the "TitanAnd" when booking flights and stuff not entirely sure that's not deliberate actually cos I wasn't going to change my surname at all but he got all sad pre wedding so I compromised with a double up but I haven't ever had any bother at airports

I also did not go through any formal malarkey, I just added his surname after mine, added it onto things as stuff came up, so bank, passports, GP, driving licence...all that
ALSO I prefer Ms and not Mrs, but dh gets antsy about that too.

A lot of posters here seem to be getting bogged down by the passport issue but the main problem you have is that your in-laws are horrible people!

Your MIL sounds particularly awful in relation to her response to your miscarriage.

Tell them you are not going on the trip, and then go low contact for now until your husband is well enough to deal with any fall out would be my advice.

Bloody hell, is January the Month of the Batshit MIL or something?

She sounds deranged OP, and to kick off like this when your DH is so unwell makes it even worse.

Ignore the mad fuckers, and don't pay for the tickets, seeing as how you won't be able to use them.

"TBH I am tempted to use this as an excuse not to go now..."

Sounds like a plan.

Would that mean all of you not going?

"she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”. "

How can you ever get past that?

Your name won't have become double barrelled by marrying though will it?

If you had just taken on your husband's surname you still have to show your marriage license to change your name for passport & bank.

My dp and I have double-barrelled our children's names. We are married. BUT dp's family who live overseas and barely contact us and certainly never visit insist on reversing the double-barrell as they are annoyed my name is first and not theirs. (It sounds better the order we've done it that's why) They address Christmas and birthdays to us all this way (not me, they send me Jack shit but that's another topic). Hilariously my Dp and I have not even changed our names at all!! We still use just our own surnamr. Couldn't be arsed to change. It wasn't important to us to do so. It has on occasion caused airport issues.
It just makes us laugh!! It's such a ridiculous thing to keep up for 10 years of marriage and especially to the dc who are oldest to notice now. And typical of their pettiness!
Don't let them win on this. Go low contact. They're clearly struggling with letting their son go and have his own life! If you let them win this you'll be battling for ever with them trying to maintain power of you both.

I'm finding it a bit odd all the posters saying you dont need a deed poll to change your name. If you want any official documentation in your new name you do .

When I applied for a new passport I had to provide my deed poll for proof of my new name.

Sorry for the slight derail!

They sound bloody awful and thick.

As your MIL about your MC. "It's for the best." That's her grandchild, the heartless cow.