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AIBU?

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Original poster

PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

322 replies

doublebarrelled · 09/01/2019 09:57

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 09/01/2019 10:32

@ReflectentMonatomism - I think women should discuss this with their parents too if they knew they’d take this badly (which I’m sure OP and her DH did, as they only mentioned their DS name change). All it takes is a ‘I’m changing my name because...’. You never want to just spring this on anyone as I’m sure the pil have wills etc that might need to be amended as a result. Basic consideration seems to be lacking here.

FilthyforFirth · 09/01/2019 10:32

(I know a marraige certificate works as well, but not in this case as they are both changing their name)

RandomMess · 09/01/2019 10:33

WooHoo it looks the government has changed the rules on double barrelled names on marriage since I last looked in March!

You used to need a registered deed poll that costs - happy days!

PregnantSea · 09/01/2019 10:33

Umm...what the fuck? Sorry for swearing but this whole situation is absolutely insane. These people are mental.
I wouldn't cut all ties since they are still his family, but I would distance yourself as much as possible and I deffo wouldn't be going on holiday with them. Just do your due diligence - quick Christmas visit, quick birthday phonecall, everything else just make excuses and avoid as much as possible. If they ask why then your husband can just explain to them that their behaviour is very upsetting for you both. If they then choose to cut ties that's up to them, not your fault. I feel so sorry for you OP. This isn't normal. I hope your husband supports you in this.

TougheningUp · 09/01/2019 10:33

I think you need to step back from your PILs. They're manipulative, abusive, and bullying.

They've told your DH that he's disowned: respect that. Do not contact them. If your DH is still in hospital tell the staff on his ward not to let his parents in to see him, because they've been abusing him; and tell them that your MIL has looked at your DH's hospital records, as this is a serious breach of trust.

If your PILs contact you again tell them in writing that your name changes are not up for discussion, and that if they can't be nice you don't want to hear from them again. Then stick to that.

And whatever you do, don't go on holiday with them. They are not people you want to spend time with.

LakieLady · 09/01/2019 10:33

And no, she should not have looked at her son' hospital notes either whilst he was in hospital. It matters not a jot that she works there, she abused her power by doing that and probably did so under the guise of "being helpful".

I wonder if that's a GDPR matter? It's certainly bang out of order.

RandomObject · 09/01/2019 10:33

'Oh well, if we are disowned it would seem I don't owe you any money for those tickets you have booked, bye bye now'

diddl · 09/01/2019 10:34

". I reverted to my maiden name when DH left "

That's different to double barrelling though isn't it?

You are going back the name on your birth certificate, old passports, bank documents...

I had to swear an affidavit when I went back to my maiden name.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/01/2019 10:35

She shouldnt have looked as his notes. Not even the OP should look.

ohdearmymistake · 09/01/2019 10:35

Please give yourself and DH a break from the nutty PIL, cancel the holiday then go NC for as long as you want to.
Let your DH get better (hopefully soon) without them having a go at him, life maybe a lot nicer without them interfering.

FaFoutis · 09/01/2019 10:36

My ILs were furious when my DH changed his name - we both changed our name to something we chose after we got married. The MIL wept and wailed and the FIL said that dead relatives would be 'spinning in their graves'. It was the start of a process that ended in permanent NC. For which I am very grateful.
I think you need to admit to yourself that your ILs do not like you and are nasty people. Your DH needs to realise that being in control is more important to them than he is. It's sad but life gets easier when you see things how they really are.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/01/2019 10:36

DH and I decided to keep both our surnames when we married nearly forty years ago. We did it by Statutory Declaration. This document has been sufficient for every purpose, including passports.

The only issue we have had is some computer systems insisting on a hyphen, which we don’t use.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/01/2019 10:36

When is this hideous trip due to take place?

I would think the last thing either you or your dh need at the moment is nastiness from his parents.

I would suggest using the the name thing and dh's illness as reasons for not going. Why the hell would you want to??

And then not see the PILS for a long time. Your poor dh.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/01/2019 10:37

There are two separate issues here.

The sort is the passport/ name thing which OP will be able to sort out easily. Even the tickets can be amended easily.

The second is the In-laws issue. They are clearly batshit. I can't understand why they don't want their DS to double barrel his name. He is still keeping his name and making you all the same as a family. I would just ignore them and not give them any head space.

You may want to reconsider going on holiday with them though!

areyoubeingserviced · 09/01/2019 10:40

Agree with always- the passport issue is not the problem, it is your crazy in laws
How can a mother and father berate their sick son ?, particularly as the mother in law felt that her son was sick because he worked too hard, which was probably a passive aggressive way of blaming the Op for not being a good wife
Your in-laws don’t like you OP, so you may have to reduce contact. Definitely don’t go on holiday with them.

Topseyt · 09/01/2019 10:40

Forget about going on holiday with them!

What a pair of arses!! Maybe book something nice for yourselves without them for later in the year. Tell them nothing about it.

frenchchick9 · 09/01/2019 10:40

Yor in-laws are batshit. And it would be a cold day in hell before I went on holiday with them. The way they have behaved while your h is ill - un-fucking-believable.

MamaLovesMango · 09/01/2019 10:41

It’s a actually a sackable offence to look at the notes of anyone that isn’t in your direct care.

Oldbutstillgotit · 09/01/2019 10:41

Why would you even consider going on a trip with them ?

ReflectentMonatomism · 09/01/2019 10:41

I think women should discuss this with their parents too if they knew they’d take this badly

So they can be bullied, shouted at and threatened?

BertrandRussell · 09/01/2019 10:42

They sound insane. Is this at all typical of their behaviour or are they having some sort of collective breakdown?
Cancel the holiday. Don’t answer the phone to them for a while- just send short factual texts keeping them updated about dh’s health then think about it all again when everything’s calmed down. But don’t change your name whatever you do.

dementedpixie · 09/01/2019 10:43

Did you read the links? Both partners in the marriage can double barrel their name using the marriage certificate as long as the new name can be seen to be derived from the existing surnames. No need to do a deed poll unless they are choosing a completely different surname

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 09/01/2019 10:44

Contact the travel company, cancel your tickets and change pip's to one way tickets.
Nc for 2019 sounds bloody marvellous imo.

MyVisionsComeFromSoup · 09/01/2019 10:44

30 years ago, all DH and I had to do to get driving licences and passports changed into our new double-barrelled surname was to write to everyone saying "since my marriage , I wish to be known as MyVisions Comefrom-Soup", no formalities whatsoever. Dh's aunt has never come to terms with it, and send Christmas cards to us with just DH's birth surname, but tbf, we frequently just use that as a shortcut when booking taxis/takeaways, as the whole lot is a bit of a mouthful. I do take pleasure in listening to salespeople on the phone where you can tell they have a script which needs them to say your name in every sentence, and so the call takes twice as long as if I was Mrs Smith Grin.

But, as I told everyone when we did it years ago, it's none of their business what we choose to call ourselves, and in any case, using both surnames was more of a true picture of what our marriage was about, rather than my DF "handing me over" to DH.

Cobblersandhogwash · 09/01/2019 10:45

What awful people. I can't believe your dh has been so ill and they've carped on about your double barrelled name! What knobbers.

You've had a miscarriage and your mil said it was for the best? That is so twisted and cruel.

I would move far away from them as possible and certainly wouldn't go on holiday with them. They sound like total control freaks and aren't going to let your dh grow up with his own opinions any time soon.

Your name is your business as is how many children you have. Neither of you need to check with your pil about anything in your lives.

information on changing your name by deed poll [[https://www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll]]