PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

[doublebarrelled]

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

Your PIL are trying to keep your DH attached to their apron strings they do not want him to have you and your DC as his primary family. Their behaviour towards you is utterly outrageous- are you not hurt that your DH hasn't called them out on such nasty comments?

And your ds is your son. Your responsibility. Not theirs. So what you say goes. Don't let them pull some stupid rank over you. You are in charge. Make sure they get that.

Parents whose love is conditional often do produce children who seem to love them very much. I have been through all of this with my DH, the 'stately homes' threads on here helped him when he realised what they were really like.

It's clearly nothing you have done OP.

op the guidance you linked to on gov.uk states marriage cert is enough, all the stuff I found by googling says marriage cert is enough. I've not seen one link to any government websites that say you need a deed poll (just lots of hearsay). Worse case the passport office reject it and you get a deed poll and fire off a complaint to the gov.uk website.

Pretty sure you'll be fine.

Either way though your in-laws are Bayshore!

I have been married twice and only my marriage certificate was needed both times to change at the bank as well because I already had an account in my own name. I never needed a passport as well.
The marriage certificate is enough to change the passport they won’t reject it for that because you have just hyphenated the two names not come up with something totally new.

We both changed our name after marriage and it does require a deed poll.

Not true but many people think it is (see also ‘common law wife’)

What on earth was MIL doing looking through confidential medical records!!

Could it just be they are crazy right now because I somehow upset them (not sure what though...). They will come round right?

No. And it isn’t just right now is it because you’ve given several examples of how they’ve been like this over a large period of time. You’re thinking like this because they’re abusers and gaslighters. They want you to think you’ve upset them and it’s all your fault.

If you dont want to go NC straight away, why don’t you use your husbands illness as an excuse not to go on holiday with them and go LC. After a period of having limited contact, see how you feel. Better, worse, has nothing changed? Then you can go from there.

They are abusive though. Some of the things you’ve explained are unforgivable.

@looksbetterwithoutafilter

We had to change our kids surnames as well, is that why we needed deed poll?

The passport thing has definitely changed in the last year. It said that if you married you could either keep your maiden name OR use your DH surname anything else needed a registered deed poll.

They seem to have finally caught up with modern marriage, CP and sane-sex marriage making double barrelled very common.

I think that you and your DH might benefit from a few sessions of counselling to help get some boundaries put in place with the PILs. This behaviour isn't normal. I don't think that they will come around.

I have no idea what my lovely PILs opinion would be in your situation. Because we are adults and they do their best not to interfere.

of all the things to get worked up about! Your ILs are a tad obsessed about their surname.

Also for you OP. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your DH. Concentrate on him.

double barrelling is no different from a woman changing their name on marriage is it? I just sent off our marriage certificate.

They may be overreacting as they're worried about DH, and if you want to give them a way to backtrack and point out that this strife is unhelfpul, I'd state clearly that this is unhelpful to DH, the name is much less important than his health.

I'm not sure I'd jump to NC as your son loves them and because it'll cause your DH more pain but they do indeed sound un-supportive of you, over involved and nuts.

fwiw, my DH's family talk about all the spouses of their children in terms of not doing enough for their children - i'm sure it's somewhat usual if not exactly helpful or supportive of the marriages, I'm always hearing about my SIL's many misdemeanors and I'm sure she always hears about mine!

I don't get their issue! It's not like he's changed his surname to yours just added to it. I hope he feels better soon.

Missing the point entirely, but I think your MIL looking through his medical records was a massive breach of patient confidentiality. Without written consent from the patient, only the medical professionals involved in his care can go through his notes. If she has accessed anything electronically, which she may have, there will be a trace and she could lose her job. The fact that she works there doesn't make a jot of difference if she isn't part of the team caring for him.

It never ceases to amaze me how many batshit crazy people there are in the world who want to keep complete control of their offspring even after they've reached adulthood and beyond. Just why?

Your MIL in particular is unhinged OP. The things she's said about your MMC, and telling your DH to only have one DC - that's not normal. It also seems bizarre that when your DH was so ill (and still is by the sound of it) their main focus is his surname! I'm amazed that you'd even consider going away with these people.

I am a solicitor and have done a number of change of name deeds. All those saying you need a deed poll are wrong. Your marriage certificate is sufficient evidence of change of name for you both.

Your dh may love them very much but his own mother was glad that his baby died. I'm sorry to be blunt but it needs saying. This is not a normal reaction at all. Them behaving like they are over a name is ridiculous but your mils attitude to the miscarriage is utterly vile, I could never forgive that.
I'm very surprised that you even bother with them tbh.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!
A bit pointless since they don't own him anyway!

Another double barrelled and hyphenated name here (my maiden surname-husband's surname).
I know it's been said a gazillion times already, but adding to the posters who've also said a deed poll isn't needed when there's a marriage certificate.
The marriage certificate acts as a sort of deed poll. The surnames on the certificate can be used in any combination for a surname. For example; married person A's surname is Harrison, married person B's is Smith. Both or one can now be called Smith, Harrison, Harrison-Smith or Smith-Harrison.

My double-barrelled surname was accepted by HMRC, my banks, NHS/GP surgery, DVLA, Passport Agency and all the other companies and organisations I am involved with. All just wanted to have sight of our marriage certificate or just took my word for it.

I hope you're ok, OP. Your PiL are being vile. Hugs x

They're insane!

I'm a man and have deed poll changed my name. Are the FBI after me?

May I suggest your dc love them only because they are too young to really know them?!
They are bullies and you know it. If your dc had a friend behaving like this towards them would you encourage the friendship?

I actually can't believe that you didn't disown them after what they said regarding the miscarriage! Why would you ever want someone like that around you? To hear that their grandchild has died as being "for the best?"

I am flabbergasted.

I know lots of people who have double barrelled, its perfectly legal to do so.

As an individual you can change your name on your birth certificate, you have to be known by that name then fill out a form and pay around about £50 you then get a new birth cert with new name on it. I have done this and its all perfectly legal

Your PIL as batshit crazy, wouldn't be sending money to them i would be booking new tickets myself or phoning where they booked and changing (probs an admin fee involved) holidays need to be booked with whats on the passport

*I actually can't believe that you didn't disown them after what they said regarding the miscarriage! Why would you ever want someone like that around you? To hear that their grandchild has died as being "for the best?"

I am flabbergasted.*

also this ^