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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Keeping child's lunch for them to eat later?

323 replies

mamaandthegirls · 08/01/2019 16:49

DD is 2 and a half and has never been a fussy eater, will pretty much eat anything given to her. However, on Sunday she refused point to eat her roast dinner cooked by partners mum. She always loves a roast dinner so I was surprised when she didn't eat it. I told partners mum to keep it as she can eat it later at tea time. Partners mum gave me a funny look and said that it was "cruel" to just give her a meal she doesn't want to eat.

Tea time came and partners mum asked if DD would like a sandwich for her tea and I said "no, she can eat her roast dinner she didn't touch." To which she replied "really?! Don't you think she'd prefer a sandwich?" So I said to just put it on front of her and if she doesn't eat it, then she can go home and go to bed hungry as she won't be having anything else.
DD ended up scoffing the roast dinner and I said "see, if they're hungry then they'll eat" but partners mum saw that as a nasty thing to do!

I was bought up that you never give children the option and you tell them what they're going to be eating and if they don't eat it then they go to bed hungry, as I found out a few times as a child! I have never been a fussy eater in my life but DP on the other hand was pandered to too much as a child when it came to meal times and sometimes got given a different meal to his parents.
Just wondered what everyone else's thoughts are on this? And what you'd do?

OP posts:

SusanWalker · 08/01/2019 22:24

I cook separate meals quite often as DS has ASD and is quite fussy. Dd and I like similar meals but it's easy to do. For example DS doesn't like curry, he likes sweet and sour. So I cook the chicken and the veg, divide it up and add the sauces separately and then we all have rice.

I was brought up to eat what I was given, eat everything on my plate. My sister was a skinny child because she would just go without rather than eat something she didn't like. I have had a disordered relationship with food my whole life ranging from verging on anorexic to obesity.

I took the decision to have a laid back attitude to food with my kids. They both eat until they are full, leaving any food they don't have space for. They self regulate over snacks and are both capable of eating half a chocolate bar and leaving the rest. The are both healthy weights for their heights as teens. I often ask them what they would like for lunch or dinner. That's not pandering but taking into consideration their feelings as a person.

At two they would have been too young for this but there is no way I would have sent them to bed on a slice of bread. I think it's unhealthy to view your child as an adversary just waiting to take the piss out of you. If your husband decided he didn't want what you had planned for dinner would be be walking all over you? Yes there are times when you have to put your foot down but food battles are not one of them in my opinion.

Believeitornot · 08/01/2019 22:27

If you think a hungry child will eat whatever they’ve been served, you’ve not met my dd.

She starved herself at nursery and her childminders as she just wouldn’t eat their food.

She has real aversions to certain foods. I’ve learned to respect that and encourage her rather than force.

Goldenbear · 08/01/2019 23:17

You would love my approach to feeding my DC OP - they really know who the 'boss' is. I don't really do meal planning as I find it tedious, I will take one/both with me after work and say things like, 'you like this don't you?' if it's a no then I'll ask what they do want.

I don't believe your 2 year old will even remember you making this point . When mine were that age one of them ate far too many yoghurts and another liked to eat babybel at every meal. My eldest now requests things like seafood marinara, he certainly wouldn't be satisfied with yoghurts so I don't think giving in to their fickleness sets a precedent. Besides, it's not a battle, 2 is so small and cute, how could you send little thing like that to bed without food.

Wheresmrlion · 08/01/2019 23:22

I have massive food issues after my mother attempted to make me eat things as a child. I spent hours sitting at the table on my own with a congealed plate of gravy covered food I don’t like. Complete waste of time, I never ate it, she got furious, mealtimes became a stressful battleground and I turned to eating crap from the shop because I was so hungry because I was never offered food I liked. I eat most things now (I relaxed and tried things in my own time when I left home) but I still can’t eat comfortably around her because of the food history we have.

I have a 2 year old who eats most things but has the odd ‘off’ day. In your scenario I definitely would have kept the roast leftovers and offered it to dc at teatime, nothing wrong with that. She probably would have eaten it but if not I would have taken it away and given her something I know she would eat, no control, no guilt, no anger. It would be something healthy though, maybe salad veg and a ham sandwich.

Punishment of going to bed hungry because she didn’t fancy a leftover roast dinner just feels so OTT and controlling and brings back a lot of childhood resentment for me. I would never do that to her.

HauntedPencil · 08/01/2019 23:29

It's not true that a hungry child will eat. It's often control issues at that age, therefore it's quite possible the child won't eat.

I'd be happy to eat leftover roast dinner at tea time but doing stuff like serving it up for breakfast is over controlling and quite mean.

BurtsBurk · 08/01/2019 23:30

I really hope you learn something and take some information on board from this thread OP.

HauntedPencil · 08/01/2019 23:31

If it was something they usually ate I'd try again but if they've said they don't like the food I wouldn't.

Adults aren't forced to eat things they don't like I'm not going to bully a small kid into it.

I can get my older children to try most things and if they don't like it then I wouldn't force them to eat it.

Thewifipasswordis · 08/01/2019 23:49

I'd offer it but I wouldnt send a 2yr old to bed without lunch and dinner. That's just being an arse to your child tbh and creates a horrible early relationship with food. She's 2. Not 12. You should've had an alternative lined up if she refused it for dinner.

Original poster

mamaandthegirls · 09/01/2019 00:07

Fair enough. Can't remember who it was now who said it sounds like I don't even like my daughter, really Cba to scroll through the comments to find the username. But that's actually a crap assumption to make, just because I didn't like my child not eating her lunch, I don't like her? DD has a varied diet and enjoys meal times, especially when we all eat together, so it's not like this is a weekly occurrence.
Perhaps I've used a poor choice of words when replying to people, particuarly when I said "I don't want her walking all over me" I meant I don't want her to just keep turning meals down she is given so she can choose what she has for dinner, she is 2. Why should a 2 year old choose what they have for tea time?
Lunch time I do sometimes ask her "would you prefer a yoghurt or some raisins with your sandwich?" And she will then choose the small, simple snack she would like.
But a proper/large meal I've made? No I don't think so l, I'm afraid.

OP posts:

Marshmallow91 · 09/01/2019 01:32

OP, I agree with you for the most part. Especially because it's something she actually likes, and her age.

But I distinctly remember being around 8 and my parents forcing me to eat certain foods, mainly this horrific concoction from asda that was shitty frozen corn, peas, chopped carrot and green beans. Every time I wasn't allowed to move until I'd eaten it, and every time I threw it up right after.

To this day, at nearly 30 I can't stand my food touching or anyone watching me eat.

I think balance can be attained by taking each situation on an individual level, rather than a single hard and fast rule.

DoJo · 09/01/2019 02:19

I have two kids and I will let them choose different things to a certain extent, so I'll happily make one fish fingers and one sausages, or if one wants a bread roll instead of pasta for dinner, then it's easy enough to substitute. I cook separately for them anyway as I don't want to eat as early as they do, so why not let them pick? My husband and I will often have different meals or eat at different times to each other as well.

I try not to be too rigid in my thinking about food and to make mealtimes enjoyable and sitting down to a plate of something that makes your heart sink isn't likely to achieve that. Plus I don't think that showing my kids that their opinions are important and that I'm listening to their preferences is setting them up to be entitled or encouraging them to treat me poorly- they know that I'm happy to make them food that they like so there's no reason for them not to eat it.

Pk37 · 09/01/2019 06:54

I think if this was a regular occurrence then I’d understand but you said this was the first time so I don’t get the heavy handed approach.
If this was say the second or 3rd time then yeah I could see how it could be annoying and something you’d want to avoid

Original poster

mamaandthegirls · 09/01/2019 06:58

@Pk37 I did say she has done this 2/3 times before though...

OP posts:

CherryPavlova · 09/01/2019 06:59

I think on the whole you are being a strong parent setting clear expectations. I wouldn’t want it to become an expected norm either.

Original poster

mamaandthegirls · 09/01/2019 07:03

@DoJo I can see what you mean in a way, but I just don't think children should choose. I mean I totally understand when one will have a bread roll instead of pasta as I've done the same for DD.
As an example: she doesn't like mashed potato so instead I do her rice or pasta. Or she doesn't like actual spaghetti (although like spaghetti bolognaise) so instead I do her pasta shells. That's fine by me as she's basically having the same meal as us anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

mamaandthegirls · 09/01/2019 07:04

@CherryPavlova thank you. That's my whole point through this post; I don't want her to think it's ok to just turn down every meal that's placed in front of her.

OP posts:

user1457017537 · 09/01/2019 07:06

How is it being a strong parent forcing your child to eat good she doesn’t want or like. I can’t believe so many people agree with giving her an old toast dinner to eat several hours later when she could have made her a simple supper dish. As for the parents that make their children sit there until everthing is finished even if they don’t like it this is child abuse. To make a child physically sick after eating something they dislike is all kinds of wrong.

Original poster

mamaandthegirls · 09/01/2019 07:09

@user1457017537 when on earth did I say I make DD sit there and eat every last scrap until she is sick? Never. In fact I have said I do the opposite and I am fine if she leaves a few scraps here and there.

OP posts:

secretmetoo · 09/01/2019 07:13

Dinner lady made me eat carrots once, I was sick all over my plate.
No I wouldn’t send my 2 year old to bed hungry, that’s just mean. Thousands of children out there have To go to bed hungry for poverty reasons so there’s no reason on earth I would deliberately do that to a small child.
Each to their own though OP, you do your style of parenting and I’ll do mine.

user1457017537 · 09/01/2019 07:14

You seem to be forgetting she is 2 and a half. Your MIL had the right idea

Original poster

mamaandthegirls · 09/01/2019 07:18

user1457017537 Yeah and no wonder her 2 sons turned out to be right fussy bloody farts when it comes to food!

OP posts:

user1457017537 · 09/01/2019 07:27

You have the food issues so what if they are fussy. Certain religious faiths have restrictions on what can be consumed and practices for the preparation of food, are they fussy bloody farts as well.

hazeyjane · 09/01/2019 07:34

I think it's the assertion that you will not have a 'fussy eater' because you are not pandering/not giving your child the choice/eat or you'll go hungry yada yada yada....that puts peoples backs up. Because having a 'fussy eater' is just chance, and dealing with it can take a different approach to exerting your will over their's. Then if you're child has extreme difficulties over food, it really is a whole different ball park.

Laiste · 09/01/2019 08:34

Who will you blame if your DD turns out to be a ''right fussy bloody fart'' OP?

Lots of posters have said in their experience it's nature not nurture which dictates a child's eating habits. Me included. The exact same upbringing has resulted in different preferences and habits in my four.

Battenburg1978 · 09/01/2019 08:36

Goodness, I was the child who wouldn't eat things I didn't like when I was young - none of the power play tactics discussed here worked, eventually Mum took me to the Dr's who immediately said feed her whatever she will eat!! Things were different back then and my parents had very little money which added an extra element of stress over food waste. Funnily enough now I am the most foodie/least fussy one out of 4 siblings. Probably this argument will divide amongst those who were told to eat everything up, and actually eventually did so with no harm done and those for whom it took on a deeper anxiety. I have a 2 yo and TBH I would just ask her if she wanted her roast dinner from earlier or a sandwich/toast. Just the same as if ask my partner if he liked what I was planning to make for dinner. She's not fussy (yet! ) but I don't feel that the dinner table is a place for a power battle. I also believe that around this age pickiness with food especially bitter tastes/certain new things is to some extent an instinctive reaction no doubt evolutionary.

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