Keeping child's lunch for them to eat later?

[mamaandthegirls]

DD is 2 and a half and has never been a fussy eater, will pretty much eat anything given to her. However, on Sunday she refused point to eat her roast dinner cooked by partners mum. She always loves a roast dinner so I was surprised when she didn't eat it. I told partners mum to keep it as she can eat it later at tea time. Partners mum gave me a funny look and said that it was "cruel" to just give her a meal she doesn't want to eat.

Tea time came and partners mum asked if DD would like a sandwich for her tea and I said "no, she can eat her roast dinner she didn't touch." To which she replied "really?! Don't you think she'd prefer a sandwich?" So I said to just put it on front of her and if she doesn't eat it, then she can go home and go to bed hungry as she won't be having anything else.
DD ended up scoffing the roast dinner and I said "see, if they're hungry then they'll eat" but partners mum saw that as a nasty thing to do!

I was bought up that you never give children the option and you tell them what they're going to be eating and if they don't eat it then they go to bed hungry, as I found out a few times as a child! I have never been a fussy eater in my life but DP on the other hand was pandered to too much as a child when it came to meal times and sometimes got given a different meal to his parents.
Just wondered what everyone else's thoughts are on this? And what you'd do?

@mamaandthegirls Your MIL did not have the right idea she was undermining you.

As you've said you don't make her finish the whole thing which is fine, but you just don't give her a choice and at 2 your daughter is not a baby as posters like to think and is more than capable of understanding that is her dinner (as I said before).

If everyone else wants to cook 5 different meals to cater for everyone's needs go ahead, by in our house, here is what's for dinner tonight like it or leave it, I'm not wasting my time making a load of separate meals for each person.

This thread is really sad. Your behaviour could seriously affect your child but you are not willing to consider that you may be wrong.

Adults are not expected to just eat what is in front of them. We ask dinner guests if there is anything they do not like, we accommodate family members, we can choose things at restaurants, supermarkets and out of the fridge. Expecting your DC to eat what is put in front of them is controlling and is linked to eating disorders later in life for the child.

If a child doesn't want to eat something on a particular occasion you take it away and offer them something easy out of the fridge or cupboard. You do not have to cater as if you were a short order chef, but equally you should not exert such a degree of control. At this age you can also ask your child "Do you want to eat X or Y?" and they can serve themselves from what is on offer.

Food should not be a punishment, or a reward, it should not be conditional, or special, or naughty, or restricted to a special occasion.

I'm aware as adults we have things we don't want to eat, and that's fine, DD does leave things of a meal she doesn't want to eat and that's absolutely fine. But when it's an entire meal that's been cooked and prepared , I just don't think that's ok. especially a meal she eats without fail every Sunday.

Do you still think it’s ok to send your two year old to bed hungry?

Why not? Under what bizarre logic you are OK with some choice but not complete choice?

And haven't you ever just not felt like eating something at that particular moment that you usually like? It's not such an extraordinary event.

@Booboostwo why should I? So she may turn down other meals in the future so she can have a "snack tea?"

@WasperSting Kids aren’t psychic and don’t know they have an undiagnosed allergy, then refuse to eat foods that they magically know contain the allergen. If we could all look at food and know we were allergic then nobody would ever need an EpiPen because nobody would ever eat an allergen by mistake. It isn’t cruel or risky to make a child try different foods.

Mine are older now so have greater self awareness and have always been hearty eaters, so I've never had an issue over random occasions where they have been disinterested in their food. That's a different game to dealing with a child with low interest to eating or food sensitivities.

I have saved food incase they change their minds (they rarely do) but it's never been a replacement for the next meal. I tend to adopt an "eat it, or don't eat it, there is no more" approach because often you can still be sated from earlier. In reality if they were still hungry then something like an apple or yoghurt would be avaliable. There is always something that they reliably like on their plates. The big phrase in our house is "is your tummy happy?" "Will your tummy be happy until... (insert next meal)" Toddlers are too young for this and assessing their needs is more guesswork.

There is a difference in a child openly chosing that they don't want to eat and being put in a position where not eating is the least worst option of a previously rejected meal that they still don't want.

DS(8) barely ate dinner one night last week, the next day he was down at the GPs for tonsilitis which wasn't clear at the point he didn't want to eat. Only offering a rejected dinner would not have addressed his loss of interest in food and would have been an unpleasant thing to do with a child who turned out to be in the early stages of being ill.

My line is that you will not be rude about what you don't like or want, but just quietly declining food does not offend my efforts at preparing food.

Food you don't need or want to eat is just as wasted inside you as it is in the bin.

It's OP's rigid tone that had got most respondents' backs up, and making an issue out of a non-issue. If OP had been saving the roast, but the tea that everyone else was having was still an avaliable option to DD then a lot more people would think it was reasonable instead. I don't make seperate dinners as a habit, (occasionally did when dealing with multiple food allergies, or if people have long-standing differing but complimentary likes e.g. put a fish & chicken piece in the oven) but there is flexibility in accommodating preferences across the family without creating mollycoddled fussy eaters (and fussy eaters will either be that way inclined anyway or could be made by being too rigid, to there's no need to be too smug about the outcomes of your approach anyway!)

you can't stop a child not liking certain foods by making them eat it

Actually that’s exactly how you acquire a taste for a new food. You have to try it 10-12 times to get used to it.

I couldn't get this worked up about anything my child did that didn't hurt somebody else to be frank. Your attitude is authoritarian, and the part where you say you only have to give a child their own way once and they'll walk all over you is sinister.

I'm going to take a wild guess and say you did cry it out, believe all the guff about babies being 'manipulative' and only crying to get their own way, think smacking is a necessary parenting tool, think the world is going to the dogs due to snowflakes and 'political correctness gorn mad'.

You're a throwback. And you're delighted with yourself about it. So enjoy it. I feel rotten for your two year old that she won't experience gentleness in her little life, that she's to be treated not like a growing little human but like a potentially dangerous dog that needs to be paper-trained at the slightest sign of insubordination.

But who wants a reheated roast dinner?

We purposely cook extra dinner so we can eat the rest the next day, or make bubble and squeak etc. Why wouldn’t you reheat a roast dinner?

Because as many people have told you it is needlessly controlling and that is likely to cause serious problems for your child in the future. Clearly you do not see that, but sadly you are also not willing to see it. You come across as very controlling on this thread as well, maybe there is a theme?

I am the same with my DC but they are all much older than two. I don’t think I would be so strict on a two year old tbh. Saving the food for later is fine but letting her go to bed hungry if she didn’t want it, not cool. It’s fine when they’re older but two is far too young to be punishing them for not wanting to eat certain foods.

@Namestheyareachangin Where has OP said that Smacking is fine and using the cry it out method is fine if that works for you.

The problem with this thread is that as normal, some people can't accept different ways of parenting. Nothing wrong with crying it out and there is nothing wrong with OP giving her child the roast dinner again later in the day.

@Namestheyareachangin ah I see, making assumptions about me because of one thing I've done?
Also if you read back, you'll see that I said I made a poor choice of words when I used to phrase "walk all over me" I meant "I don't want her to think it's okay to turn down a proper meal every meal time, so that she can have a 'snack tea'".

OP you just come across as incredibly, needlessly controlling. So she doesn't fancy something she's previously eaten - so what? We all have phases where we just don't fancy something even though we've eaten it hundreds of times before. Your 2 year old is entitled to not fancy something too. Making her go to bed hungry is disgusting.

If her roast dinner already had gravy on it then reheating it is vile. Personally if I didn't have gravy on it or was any other meal that's easily reheated, I'd ask her what she'd rather - her roast dinner from earlier or whatever everyone else was having. But considering this wasn't even your house, what's so wrong with her grandparent giving her the option? She's allowed to spoil her every once in a while (not that I think it is spoiling but you obviously do)

Why did you bother posting in AIBU if you're so sure what you did was right?

You know how you can't remember giving birth? Well grandparents often seem to have amnesia when it comes to dealing with kids and seem to do the opposite of what they probably used to do with their kids. It's really weird.

@Thesnobbymiddleclassone exactly. I think most of the people on this thread are women who only see their parenting right and not mine. Then again, you'll always get mums like that! The ones that turn their nose up at you for telling your child off in a public place. Then again I am a 'throwback' the way I was bought up never bought me any negative impact in my life or childhood.

@PoesyCherish I don't believe MIL is spoiling DD. But I do believe they should be treated the same at other people's homes as they would at home.

All I can say is your poor DD. I feel so sad for her. Nobody is saying their way of parenting is the only way. You are the one who seems to think that the only ways that exist are the two extremes. Most of us think there is a lot of middle ground too and yes your way is wrong for letting a 2 year old go to bed hungry but then you're at the one extreme which is bordering on abuse.

I started off thinking the OP was unreasonable.
But the aspect I think is unreasonable is forcing the point of offering a previously rejected dinner.
But I am surprised that so many posters are happy to offer alternatives from the main meal available just so the child doesn’t go hungry.
We are facing a national epidemic of obesity. We have food in plenty. But fussy/picky eating now seems normal.
Some kids so have genuine issues with food (I did as a child).
But, in general, to minimise fussiness, promote healthy eating and a broader palate kids should be offered one well thought out meal ( with at least one thing you know the child will eat on the plate). If it’s rejected so be it. No need to make a fuss. But routing through the fridge cos you can’t bare the thought of our child skipping a meal is OTT. Fatigue is stronger than hunger.

If you adopt a sensible approach for each meal, with no battles but also no “back up” options then most kids will be better off.

the way I was bought up never bought me any negative impact in my life or childhood

In your opinion. I see someone with a bizarre relationship surrounding meals and control; a cycle which you’re perpetuating.

Fatigue is stronger than hunger - implying they will sleep. If you offer sensible options at meal times they will eat enough. The odd skipped meal isn’t a problem. I skipped tons as a fussy eater in childhood. Never remember feeling hungry.
It annoyed me how adults wanted to make me eat when I genuinely would rather be playing outside.

My mum did the same to me, if I didn’t eat it got it again later and usually i was hungry so ate it. I wasn’t fussy or allergic just a contrary little madam who liked to be awkward for the sake of it. I now have a son very similar.

I’m not quite as bad as my mum was, she’s much more stubborn than me. But I have 4 so no flipping way am I cooking 4 different meals every night. So they eat what I make or not. I don’t generally cook anything they don’t like but ds3 won’t eat macaroni cheese or meatballs (the other 3 love both) so he gets sphagetti with cheese on which he loves but I’m cooking it anyway just leaving off the meatballs/sauce but I wouldn’t make a whole different meal because I can’t afford or nor do I have the time. Ds3 loves a roast dinner so ifvhe didn’t eat it I’d assume he wasn’t hungry or not feeling well, I would keep it for later but I wouldn’t force him to eat it and i’d Be preparing a light tea for the rest so he would be offered that. I don’t think you did wrong op but not everyone agrees on these things. I don’t give a crap what anyone thinks of my parenting tbh, so stick to your guns if you’re happy with how you deal with things, but always be open to suggestions/help.

Worsethingshappen but the OP’s child is 2 years old. I’m sure there’s loads of things she’d rather be doing that eating her dinner but she’s too little to rationalise it in the way you have. And the point is, the OP is forcing her to go to bed hungry out of some weird control issue, not because she thinks ‘ah well, she’s probably just not hungry’ or whatever. She’s sending her to bed hungry as a punishment - that’s the issue most people have, i think.